College is great, mainly because you get a first time taste of the independence you’ve always wished for. Being away from parents and meeting new people comes with loads of advantages and disadvantages, but most of all, college years are filled with one night stands. Oh yeah! Those crazy, sweet times when you just hook up with a cute, hot single and do the deed! While all these times make happy memories, there are also horror stories. They might be filled with unwanted bodily fluids, parents and definitely strange people, these one night stand horror stories are going to make you think twice before getting down to business!
I gathered the most horrific stories from college boys and girls just like you.
1. Got a name, can you remember it?
“I’d gone out with a few friends, promptly got wasted, and by some small miracle ended up going back to this fairly attractive girl’s place. Morning after she decides to soothe my hangover with a bj, but before proceeding she says, “You told me last night you don’t really do one night stands, hope you remember my name?” I completely froze, I buy some time by laughing, and through sheer luck I notice a picture frame with “Emilia” written on it in bold colourful letters. Yeah, that was her sisters name, she’d died the previous summer, and I did not get that blowie.”
2. ER worthy encounter
“One night I accidentally had sex with a tampon in and then had to wait in the ER for nine hours to get it removed.”
3. What are you doing?
“Went home with a girl, fooled around awhile, then we fell asleep. Woke up in the middle of the night to her yelling, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!” Apparently I had either a blacked-out moment or was sleepwalking. Either way, I was pissing like a racehorse on her bedroom floor. I promptly pinched it off, ran to the bathroom, and finished my business before going back in to help her clean up the mess, totally speechless. The next morning her alarm went off and she said, “I am going to take a shower and go to work. You should get ready too.” I put on my clothes and left before she got out of the shower and haven’t talked to her since.”
4. Unwanted threesome
“My first time was a one night stand. The sex was surprisingly decent (all credit to her) however the girl had a latex allergy or something so I didn’t use a condom. I would have to be really unlucky to get an STD or baby from my first at bat. This was my dumb logic.
Fast forward a few weeks and I was at the campus health center… with an STD. Luckily it cleared up with some antibiotics, life lesson learned.
Fast forward about a year and I get a friend request from the girl. Her profile picture is her, in a hospital, with her newborn child. I almost had a heart attack and did some rapid online research aka stalking. The picture was posted the day after the kid was born which was in September. According to my phones text records I had sex with her in….late March. A quick math calculation and it results the baby should have been premature, if it was conceived by me. Luckily, that baby wasn’t premature. IM IN THE CLEAR.!
But that means she was…when we…oh we’ll the important thing is its not mine.”
5. The physical experience
“Went home with a girl from a bar. She was absolutely stunning and we hit it off instantly. Started making out hard when she shoved me on to her bed and tore my pants off. Now, she tells me to sit tight while she gets in to more comfortable clothing. I’m fucking pumped. She walks out of the room and gives me a wink as she closes the door behind her. She’s been gone a minute or so at which point I sit up and casually look around her room. I’m not spying on her, I just want to get a sense of who she is by the things she keeps. I’m a soulless empty bastard and my room is barren save for a camping mattress and a computer (which is why I never bring girls home). I notice a fucking menagerie of prescription pill bottles – all of which prescribed to her. She’s on anti-depressants, anti-psychotics, mood stabilizers, sleep aid medication, ADD medication, appetite suppressants, you fucking name it, she’s got a doctors signature and a little orange bottle. She came back in wearing the sexiest black panties I have ever seen and I thought to myself “eh, she can’t be that crazy.”
“We kissed, we started to do the deed, then…
She narrowed focus, and said “YOU will never hurt me again!” Thus began an hour of physical abuse (punches, hurled crockery) that I just sat there and took, less because I outweighed her by ~30kg than because I was so baffled by what was happening.
Finally I fled into the night, got my bearings in the howling blizzard, drew the suit jacket that was my only upper-body covering around my shoulders, started to walk the ~10km back to my place.
Never went to that bar again.”
6. Getting away with it, thanks to Cola.
“So about two years ago I was newly single and out with a few friends at a bar. I ended up hitting it off with a friend of a friend who was just in town on vacation. After a long night of flirting, we go back to his hotel and have another couple drinks in his hotel room. Everything is going pretty well and we have sex. Job done.
Now, I was a smoker at that time so I head on downstairs after to have a smoke and he passes out almost immediately.
At this point in the story, you should know that I have a very minor seizure disorder and that I can feel one coming on several minutes before it happens.
Mid-way through my smoke I can feel a seizure coming. Now my mind is torn in two directions. I’m desperately trying to estimate how long it would take me to get back to the room and if I can make it there before I collapse. I make it up two flights of stairs before I give up trying to make it back to the room, lay down on a landing, and have a seizure. After the seizure is done, I drag myself back to the bed and instantly pass out.
When I wake up, I notice that it feels damp and sticky between my legs. My first thought is that I must have had my period all over the hotel sheets. Oh, if only. I lift up the sheet to see that I had, in actuality, shit myself. The seizure must have loosened my bowels.
I’m just laying there and silently panicking. The guy I had slept with is still fast asleep next to me. I want to hurry the sheets downstairs to housekeeping but I can’t do that without waking him. After many minutes of stressing out about it and dreading what I knew would be the most embarrassing morning of my life, I came up with a plan.
There was still half a can of Coke next to me on the bedside table from our drinks last night. I “accidentally” knocked the Coke on to the bed and loudly exclaimed about it. This woke the guy up and got him to jump out of bed in a drowsy state. While he was coming to terms with his consciousness, I scooped all the sheets up in a bundle and rushed them downstairs to be cleaned. I gave them a $100 tip and apologized profusely.
I got away with it. The guy never found out. That was my worst ever one night stand.”
7. Puke pillow
“I went to University on a small campus on the east coast of Canada. It was a very small and tight knit community, and had a great party/drinking scene. So one night I was at the campus bar, and I ended up hooking up with this hot guy from one of my philosophy classes. I was extremely drunk at this point, and so was he. So we hooked up, and then immediately passed out. In the middle of the night he woke up me and said “I’m going to throw up, where should I throw up?” I was still drunk, and half asleep, so I pointed at a pillow on the floor and said “there”. So he threw up on my pillow, and then he asked me what he should do with it. I told him to throw it out the window and went back to sleep. Unfortunately the pillow fell on top of a smaller building behind the campus residences. So everyone on campus saw the “puke pillow” and word spread pretty quickly about what happened. So embarrassing.”
8. French champagne
“A few years ago, my French bf-at-the-time took me to Paris to meet his family. One evening after a champagne-soaked dinner, his parents left to go to the theater. Expecting that they will be gone for several hours, we started having regular sex, and then anal sex, on a couch adjacent to the table at which we’d had dinner. Things kept getting hotter, and my b.f. started f*cking my ass with the slim end of a champagne bottle. This felt good at first… but then I realized that something felt off. I slowed him down in an attempt to understand what on Earth my body was doing, and I realized that my bowels were moving. And I kind of realized that it was too late to stop what was happening.
At this already Godforsaken moment, we hear a key in the door and his mother pops into the room. She had forgotten her shawl or something. So there I am, naked, on her couch, while her son, also naked, is holding a champagne bottle that is obviously deeply embedded in my ass. We shriek, and he yanks out the bottle. And immediately out comes a LARGE, dark brown, smelly piece of poop. It just rolls out – this felt like it was happening in slow motion, and I kept trying to stop it but I couldn’t – and lands on her couch.
The French boy and I broke up shortly thereafter.”
9. A bloody affair
“I was “manually prepping” him and thought it was weird that there was so much precum. Eventually, I flicked on the light to grab a condom and he said “Oh my god, you’re bleeding!” I started freaking out. How could this be?! I just got off my period. My hands, stomach and thighs were COVERED in blood…but my nether region was clear. Then, I look over and I see blood literally GUSHING out of the head of his dick. I was so freaked out I just yelled “YOUR DICK IS BLEEDING” and ran out of the room….
He was more mortified than I was…if possible. He told me about a month ago, he was really wasted and zipped the head of his penis in his pants. Being super drunk, he couldn’t dislodge it, so forced the zipper down/yanked his dick out. He then passed out to later find himself on a blood soaked mattress. The doctor told him he needed stitches to close it back up, but didn’t do it…leaving both his penis and me scarred for life.”
10. The artistic one night stand
“As a freshman in college, I decided to nurse the wounds of a bad breakup with a one-night stand. The sex itself was awkward, passionless, and boring, but the real treat came the next day. I arrived back to my dorm room in last night’s clothes, and as I was changing to head to the showers, my roommate noticed something weird on my ass. Turned out the guy had drawn on me while I was asleep…a sailboat, a cat, and a rocketship, all on my butt, all in highlighter.”