To be brutally honest, we’re the ones who aren’t good for ourselves. We’ve been conditioned to go after the men who are ‘broken’ or the bad boys and we think that it’s our responsibility to stay with them despite the way they treat us. The following might sound blatantly obvious, but I’ll list examples and we’ll see if it rings any bells, alright?
“You’re too sensitive”, “You’re making things up”, “You’re overthinking things”
Aren’t these familiar. Gaslighting is a technique done to make one question their feelings and sanity. You might think it’s impossible that you would be manipulated and not know about it but trust me on this, I’ve experienced first-hand and read so many articles without ever connecting the dots to realise that I’ve been gaslighted until recently. To the extent that I believe I have a bad memory now. He made me feel small, saying that I was too easily jealous, too easily upset over something so minute. And I’d feel bad that I ruined both our day. I’d apologise all the time, and make excuses for him, blaming myself instead even if friends tell me to leave him. Now, I still constantly think that I’m too sensitive and dismiss my own feelings, or give people copious amount of benefit of the doubt. If any of the above sounds familiar, drop him.
2. “Can’t” Commit
“I’m not in a good place right now”, “It’s just bad timing”.
By saying these things, he’s telling you that he’s already not willing to make any sacrifices for you. If he’s not in a good place, he shouldn’t even be seeing you or starting anything. It might not have been intentional but so what if he “can’t control (his) feelings”? He’s an adult, even if he can’t control his feelings, he’s perfectly capable of walking away if he knows he shouldn’t be doing what he’s doing. If he’s not giving you anything definite, he’s just not that into you. You might think he is, and he might tell you otherwise but really, it’s all words and no action. And he’s no good for you. A guy would make the sacrifice if he’s sure about you, you shouldn’t be willing to let him have you if he can’t commit (unless that’s what you’re after). Period.
3. “I’m Busy”
You know. You can make excuses for him but we all know that no matter someone is, they’ll make time to text you, call you, anything. When he’s THAT busy, you’ll unconsciously find yourself putting him first too. It makes sense, he’s busy and you’re not so you deserve to be the bigger person, dropping everything for him once he’s free. No. Put yourself first. If you have the self-respect, he will see that he needs to set aside time if he genuinely wants to see you. It’s so easy for him to walk all over you if that happens.
4. He’s A “Private” Guy
I know some people have issues and they’re not uncomfortable or not used to opening up. That’s fine. What isn’t is if you’re dating four months into the relationship and you still feel shut out. It’s a sign that he’s not ready nor comfortable in his own skin, so there’s no way you should be the one to “help” him open up. You gotta know yourself and love yourself before you can start loving someone else or it’s just a disaster. If he makes a major decision and keeps you out of it, or even avoid telling you for fear of how you’d react, that’s another red flag. He can have past issues, but it’s unfair for him to judge that you’d act the same way hence shutting you out. A relationship without communication is a relationship set out to fail.
You’ll never know who is the one. There’s no halo over him to confirm that this is the guy (or girl) that you’ll spend the rest of your life with. You might say you love hard, that’s why you argue so heatedly, but there comes a time where maybe such passionate relationships are mere infatuation that the both of you try to make it work, and end up hurting each other horribly in the process. While I’m still figuring all these out too, I think the least we owe ourselves is to avoid these red flags and know that no good comes out of these boys.
Have you had your fair share of guys that are no good for you? Let me know in the comments below
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A recent graduate from the University of Melbourne, Rachel is a Singaporean girl who is always up for a meal, provided the restaurant has a Zomato rating of above 4/5 stars.