I want to introduce you to a little known fact: facial symmetry, personality, morals and integrity mean nothing in garnering attention from hotties. All it takes is one text. Without further ado, here are seven flirty texts that will 100% make your crush fall in love with you.
1. Don’t Say Anything
If any potential exists for your crush to reciprocate the feelings, playing hard to get is great if your prey is wounded. The longer you take to respond, the more you’ll exacerbate their abandonment issues. Consequently, you’ll receive much more attention and much more interest. People desire the unattainable. What is alluring is also out of reach. Of course, this only works for someone whom you’re close to. Otherwise, there are no ties that apathy will threaten to sever. Obviously, this is the mindset of a sociopath with no ability to create ties to begin with. But realize that on some level you have to be insane in order to think that one flirty text will change everything. Unfortunately, that’s just not the way of the world. On the other hand, if you’re soulless and delusional, sending zero flirty texts may be the only option for you.
2. Send Nudes
Let’s skip all the subtle flirting texts and cut to the damn chase. This one is pretty audacious and not to mention inappropriate. But if you’re willing to risk it all for love, it’s certainly worth trying…I guess. Sending a nude is incredibly revealing. It’ll instantly elicit a negative or positive reaction. The former could land you in jail, but such trifles needn’t cross your mind. Love transcends your reputation, right? Not exactly. In truth, sending an unsolicited nude not only doesn’t qualify as flirting, it’s also highly inappropriate and could completely tarnish your reputation. Additionally, I’m not convinced your love is worth risking humiliation and imprisonment. Although, this is the best and perhaps the only option for someone who’s dumb enough to buy into the title of this article.
3. Drunk Text
Nothing bad has ever happened when lust is mixed with inebriation, right? Claiming that you’re drunk over texts is the only way your crush will excuse all the dumb shit you’ll say. From gushing to sexual comments, all can be excused with a little glass of liquid courage. In contrast, if you actually are drunk over texts, that’ll make the experience all the more interesting. You’ll likely have the courage to divulge your secret love, and they’ll definitely reciprocate. Yes? No. Whether your crush feels the same way, a swarm of drunk texts won’t prompt them to openly reciprocate. It could also damage any existing relationship you have with your crush. However, because you’re dumb enough to read this article, I’m going to assume that you don’t care about that risk. So…I guess drink some vodka, and start spamming?
4. Give Out Sexual Compliments
Most people love to be objectified. They love to feel as though you see them as merely a piece of meat. And a good old sexual compliment is the best way you can graciously supply this degradation. Women especially pride themselves on their bodies and want to be complimented accordingly. You can even use the word dog and add an emoji….Okay, let’s be serious. Obviously, reducing anyone to a sexual object won’t conduce to a happy response. I realize that some people are attracted to degradation, but I’m fairly certain that they’re the minority. Most people find objectification pretty vile. But, if you’re thinking that one text will do the trick, compliment your crush’s ass. Nothing could go wrong.
5. Send Your Crush Poetry
This one is particularly apt if your crush isn’t well acquainted with you. Sending a sonnet effusively confessing your love for him or her will definitely elicit a positive response. Everyone loves a piece of melodramatic love poetry written by a college student. And to magnify your crush’s love, tell him or her you’re right outside the bedroom window, patiently waiting in the darkness. Your crush will admire the intense degree of effort you’re putting forth to show your love, which will make him or her all the more likely to reciprocate that love. Truthfully, love poetry, especially toward someone you’re not well-acquainted with, comes across as disingenuous and histrionic. A love poem will give the impression that you’re much more obsessed than you are in love. But, since you’re desperate enough to read this article, I’ll assume that you’re also willing to rely on your shitty poetry.
6. Tell Your Crush About Your Sex Life
Because the world revolves around you, your crush will surely want to hear about your personal affairs. This includes your most recent sexual escapades. Sending flirty texts detailing your sex life will develop a more intimate relationship and will result in an insatiable, lecherous desire to jump on top of you. This fact holds true in any setting outside of messaging your crush– at work, at a playground, with your kids. Really any setting is appropriate to discuss your sex life….But seriously, don’t do this. As a boy who’s tried describing my nonexistent sex life as a preteen, know one cares about how much sex you’ve had. Although, owing to the fact that you clicked on this article, I’m going to assume that you don’t have much of a sex life to discuss.
7. Use The Egg Plant
Ah, the egg plant. Such an effective tool in sending flirty texts. Regardless of where the conversation is headed, always redirect it to the egg plant emoji. The second she starts rambling about her crazy dog, whip that egg plant out. When she starts talking about her relationship with her parents, remind her of her devotion to the egg plant emoji. The egg plant emoji should permeate throughout her life. Once you’ve reinforced its importance, only then can it become an indomitable image in her mind. For real though, why does any guy think this emoji will pickup chicks? I just don’t understand people. But, as you’re desperate enough to read this article, I’m sure you’re willing to resort to the infamous egg plant.