Nursing major because it’s necessary. Writer because it’s vital. Currently…
Starting a new relationship is fun, exciting and… terrifying. There are many ways this can go well, but it always feels like there are way more ways this can go wrong. If you’re a textbook overthinker you may need someone else to talk you down. This is exactly what you need. Read this, take a deep breath, and stop worrying “Am I too clingy?!?” Here are 10 things NOT to do:
1. Have expectations other than learning
The invigorating, most exciting aspect about potential love is also the key to remember – it’s potential. By no means should you enter a fresh relationship with aspirations for it when you haven’t even had the chance to fully scope out this other person yet. Give the possibility of love a chance, but take interactions with them as opportunities, not indications that this is the person for you. When you spend time together, discover what qualities you want in a partner. Look for whether this person possesses enough merit for you to invest in.
2. Share secrets quickly
Basic socialization has trained us to feel closer to the people we trade information with. It forms a connections. But new relationships don’t play by those rules. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable necessitates a mutual trust. Unless you’ve been solid friends with your new SO before entering a relationship, it’s best to keep your deep dark secrets for now. Feeling comfortable with someone and trusting them completely are two different things. Not oversharing will save you from feeling wounded and emotionally discarded if the relationship ends up not working out. In case that happens, you’ll be assured knowing it wasn’t because they rejected your most private self.
3. Post about them on social media
“I just set us to ‘in a relationship’ on Facebook… oh no am I too clingy?” Sorry, but the answer may be yes. This step should wait until it’s agreed upon. Validation in all aspects of life must quit coming from virtual reality. Instagram, Snapchat, and Twitter all influence a ton, especially when it comes to labels. When you publicize your affairs with another person online, you’re displaying a relationship to the rest of the world. It’s all rosy and fun from outside appearances, but making a post about someone who may or may not be temporary can make their presence feel like both an obligatory and false permanence. That’s misleading to you, to them, and both of your followers.
4. Call or text everyday
The definition of “am I too clingy” is over-texting. In friendship and in romance, attachment out of fear isn’t healthy. Beginning a relationship with the expectation of dependency is a self-fulfilling prophecy for eventually losing the relationship. Check-ins with people should arise from a place of enjoying who they are, not out of a need to be desired or loved. The latter can only come from the gentle mental, physical, and emotional attention you give to yourself. If you believe you can’t exist without interacting with another person before a deep bond even surfaces you’re headed for a toxic outcome.
5. Tell everyone you know about them
Verbalizing is a conscious affirmation of our subconscious thoughts. Talking about a subject repeatedly and across circles is a surefire way to accidentally impart greater meaning and importance to that subject than it deserves. Avoid directing your energy and your friends’ energies onto a person you don’t even know is worthy of that attention yet. Protect your headspace by withholding against the oral impulses of heavily prioritizing this person, for now.
6. Physically cross your emotional boundaries
Sex shouldn’t necessarily be instigated purely for the sake of creating something meaningful, but it can result in that mix. Only sleep with a person early on if you know you can separate physical intimacy with the emotional connection coupled with it. Otherwise, the disillusioned, one-sided turmoil will create a barrier between the two of you. Also, the dynamic shifts to where the person whose emotions didn’t fluctuate after sex now has full power and control over the other person. An imbalance like that, especially of a sexual nature, can turn an enchanting bond dark.
7. Be a pushover
Your narrative comes first, always, in every new relationship. Love is eventually sacrifice, but that comes mutually and with time. Before that kind of willingness to give without bounds is established, putting as much weight onto someone else’s desires as your own is limiting to you both. It’s frightening with how that can skew your level of worth to your partner. Nobody in a healthy state of mind wants to date someone who bends for their every whim. The immense satisfaction of finding a rhythm later on between the two of you that flows and thrives is worth any contrasts in aspirations or current commitments. Continue putting you and your dreams first, and those who can keep up, will.
8. Plan every date
Guard your desirability. Instigating plans more often feeds the perception that you’re always available. It can also seem like you’re over-eager to spend time with your new person. Allot your time as you always have, and allow for a two-way street when it comes to asking for time to see each other. Whatever you do, don’t suffocate another person with your expectations. Even if they stem from good intentions of wanting to be with the person who makes your days brighter as much as possible. Let them learn those patterns for themselves. They’ll reach out. Meanwhile, continue living and growing all the parts of your life that don’t involve this person, simply because you deserve your own fulfillment in their absence.
9. Contact their ex
If you’re asking “am I too clingy?” after hitting up their ex, you might have to admit that it’s a yes. Even if your pure-hearted aspiration is to wish your new partner’s ex no ill-will, it’s guaranteed that you’ll appear jealous and over-dramatic to both parties. Let your partner be the one to communicate with his or her ex if need be, and take the sidelines here. Love triangles never fare well anyways, and you should trust your partner to be able to communicate anything necessary to the third party if need be. Unless a stringent situation involving you or a rumor about you arises coming from that ex, it’s unnecessary to get involved with them in any way before consulting your current partner.
10. Change anything about yourself
There’s a difference between giving Thai food a try because your new boyfriend loves it, and looking up knock knock jokes before every date because you don’t think you’re funny enough for them. The instant you find yourself attempting to change a major personality trait or upheld value for the sake of pleasing or keeping the other person, you’ve disserviced yourself. You’re transmitting a memo that screams their respect for you is more significant than your respect for yourself, and that will surely drive them away despite your strained efforts. Stop wondering “am I too clingy” and love yourself before you love anyone else.
Still wondering “am I too clingy?” Talk with others in the comments below!
Nursing major because it’s necessary. Writer because it’s vital. Currently creating for Society19, and fabricating a poetry collection.