Relationships are fragile, and one misplaced word to your partner can spell imminent doom. While openness and honesty are critical, there are some things that simply should not be said. Keep it to yourself, stupid.
I’m breaking up with you–April Fool’s!
April Fool’s Day is IRL satire for people who don’t understand consequences. It’s the worst day of the year to be on the internet. Telling someone that something terrible has happened in order to illicit a completely reasonable grievous response isn’t a prank, it’s emotional abuse.
You’d have to be a complete moron to think that a pretend breakup is an acceptable jest, but surely it happens every year. If you’ve ever even thought about pretending to break your partner’s heart for a fun little joke, you need to stop. Get some help. Your partner should dump your stupid ass immediately.
I don’t know, what do you want to eat?
We’ve all been here, trapped in a loop of indecision. Round and round it goes until finally you end up at Taco Bell to order your shame tostadas. The only thing lying at the bottom of your Baja Blast is regret.
It’s inevitable. You’re not always going to have an immediate answer to the question at hand. Still, nothing causes more innocuous frustration than the endless cycle of culinary confusion. When asked what you want to do for dinner, reply with the first thing that comes to mind, like a Rorschach test for your belly. You’ll learn a lot about yourself.
You look better without makeup.
While this one’s not necessarily directed at men, it’s mostly directed at men. So many bumbling boyfriend buffoons – and random internet incels – somehow think that this is a wonderful compliment. The idea is that to flatter their most natural form is to speak to them on a deeper level, but what it really says is “I think cosmetic products are lies.”
If you’ve never worn makeup, or are one of the incels, completely lacking in empathy, it’s sort of like if you had just gotten a fresh haircut, only to have someone tell you they liked your hair better before.
What’s that smell?”
You’ll open a real aromatic Pandora’s box with this one. If you inquire this vaguely about a scent that’s hit your nostrils, hurt feelings could easily follow. If you’ve been with a person long enough, it’s only a matter of time before you smell them in a more natural state. That sweet body odor emanating from their armpits – or elsewhere – is totally normal, but if you’re not used to it, it can catch you off guard.
That’s where the hurt feelings come in. What’s that smell, you ask? It’s just my body. How dare you?
Have you gained weight?
Don’t ask questions that you don’t want answered. If you find yourself wondering whether or not your partner has packed on some pounds, keep it to your damn self. Of course they have, it’s what people do. You’re not looking as spritely as you once did, either.
The only time this would be acceptable is if your partner is actively trying to gain weight. If that’s the case, then fire away. Babe, you’re looking thicker than molasses. Honey, your thighs could crush my head even harder now. Sweetie, that scale’s got nothing on you.
Is there a more reviled, yet harmless word in the English language than moist? You probably cringe every time you read that word. Nothing would kill the mood quite like dropping a “moist” in the middle of sex. Wow, you’re so moist. You make my hands feel all moist. I could keep going, but I don’t want things to get too moist around here.
You need to calm down.
This is one of the few things that a person could say to their partner that is guaranteed to have the opposite effect. Arguments are pools of gasoline, and this phrase is a flaming ball of provocation. I suppose this is a good way to instigate a breakup if you’re looking to get out of a relationship but are too sheepish to do it like an adult. Just pick a fight and gaslight your partner into oblivion. Somebody’s bound to say something worthy of ending the relationship if you do.
Is it that time of the month?
This is such an obvious one, yet people will still drop it anytime someone who can have periods is even the slightest bit cranky. Your feelings can’t possibly be valid; you’re just overly hormonal. I can’t even imagine how frustrating it must be to have someone say this to you in that context.
However, there are situations in which this could be acceptable. For example, if it’s time to pay the bills, or if your partner needs you to make a run for pads or tampons, or if there’s a full moon and the transformation is imminent.
Your nudes could use better lighting.
Now this is one which you should ensure you never receive. Nude photos, when utilized consensually within the context of a relationship, can be a beautiful thing. Unsolicited dick pics, however, have no place in civilized society. How has that ever worked? Has anyone ever received a picture of a poorly lit, disembodied member and been turned on? That could be anyone’s meat.
No, if you’re taking nudes for your partner, regardless of genitalia, you need to put in the effort. Use your highest quality camera. Make sure the shot is well lit. Strive for a little compositional balance. Turn your nudes into works of art. Otherwise, the best case scenario is that they just come across as sad. Worst case scenario, you have to introduce yourself to the neighborhood.
Let’s watch “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”!
If you’ve seen this film, you know exactly what I’m talking about. If you haven’t, I’m not going to spoil it, but just know that it’s a trap. A movie about romance starring Jim Carrey? That’s going to be a fun time, right?
“Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” will confront unsuspecting couples with difficult questions that they were not ready to answer. Would you erase heartbreak from your memory if you could? Why does Elijah Wood have sideburns? Is Charlie Kaufman okay?
Bonus: Any Insults That Aren’t Funny
Roasting your partner properly, with tremendous love and comedic timing, is one of the most romantic things you could do. The world needs good roasts.
However, jokes have been ruined by people who are bad at telling them, and what my seem like an innocent roast joke to you might actually be the death knell for your relationship. You want to build your partner up, not tear them down. If you’re going to make fun of them to their face, you’d better make it funny. If you make fun of them behind their back, you’re probably just a bad person.