In this day and age, almost everyone has sex. But not many people seem to have good sex. So what’s the difference? How do you tell the good sex from the bad sex? What do you do about it?
This is the story of how I went from having mediocre sex to great sex.
Fake it until you… make it?
For a really long time, I thought I didn’t enjoy sex. Truthfully, I didn’t really acknowledge that sex wasn’t fun for me, because on some level I was afraid the problem was me. Therefore, since I wouldn’t admit to myself that sex felt mediocre to me, I would then pretend I loved it. The good old story of overcompensation. We’ve all been there.
I used to think that if I pretended to enjoy it as much as I possibly could… then I eventually would. But it turns out that, when it comes to sex, fake it until you make it doesn’t really apply. The reason being that you can only make it when you stop faking it.
Part of the issue was also due to the fact that I was desperately looking for a relationship. And in my head, I thought that finding a partner was more important than having good sex. I also thought that good sex was more like a bonus in a relationship, not an essential.
The worst sex
I’d like to say that it took me one horrible time having sex to realize I deserved better. Unfortunately, it took multiple times having horrible sex. Looking back now, I realize that all those horrible times had a few factors in common with all the other mediocre times. The only difference between the horrible sex and the mediocre sex is that the horrible sex had simply enhanced the same factors found in mediocre sex.
What both had in common
- One-sided pleasure
I was the only one worried about pleasuring my partner, but my partner in bed would generally not go out of their way to please me.
- One-sided attraction
My partners usually seemed to be having a great time… mostly because I was way hotter than them, and they felt attracted to me. But most of the time, I didn’t really feel attracted to the person I had sex with. Not sexually attracted, at least. I found their personality attractive. I was attracted to how well we got along. However, I wasn’t physically, sexually attracted to them.
- Lack of communication
Consent isn’t really the kind of thing that goes away on vacation the minute you start having sex. Just because it starts off as consensual sex doesn’t mean that both parties are on the same page at all times. I’ve had partners do ridiculous things that I was obviously thrown off by. Every time I told them off they seemed confused. What is there to be confused about? Just ask. Communicate. If you wanna try something, make sure your partner is on the same page.
The worst sex I’ve ever had involved a partner who stuck their whole index finger up my butt really fast, then took it out. He basically poked my… rear end. It hurt. I was so mad. My immediate reaction was to elbow them in the face.
The best sex
Last summer, I had an epiphany. I realized that every relationship between couples with mediocre/bad sex… was not a relationship I’d like to find myself in. I realized that the happiest relationships involved great sex.
I also realized that I had the order completely wrong. With so many people out there, why would I settle for people I wasn’t sexually attracted to? Just because they were good people? That’s so silly.
Once I realized I deserved better sex, then things started moving along much better. I decided to stop faking it. I decided to be forward about what I wanted. I decided to only go out with people I was actually sexually attracted to. I decided to only have sex with people that cared about pleasing me as much as I cared about pleasing them.