Everyone has a hilarious sex-related story. But have you noticed, a lot of them are from trying to have sex outside? Don’t get me wrong, when it’s done right, it’s done RIGHT! But sometimes, it’s just a big hassle and can be more stressful than pleasurable. Here’s 8 problems anyone who has had sex outside will understand or relate to.
1. Getting too close with nature.
Having sex outside invites a variety of problems. Plants, animals, insects, there are so many things that could go wrong or get into some ‘unwanted’ places. One friend of mine even told me how her mother found a slug in her knickers before washing them…a slug! I have no idea what he was doing there but sometimes an adventure leads to you to odd places. FYI, she just picked them up and threw them in her bag. She didn’t walk home with a slug next to her fanny if that’s what you’re wondering.
2. The issue of how to clean up afterwards.
Cleaning up is difficult enough if you can’t find tissues, let alone if you’re outside with no bin, no tissues, nothing. You have to think about where you are and who might be there next. You can’t just leave anything on the floor, it’s unsanitary and definitely not good for the environment. Do not, I repeat, do not be one of those people who leaves used condoms lying around on the floor…or your car. Both is disgusting.
3. Trying to find the perfect location.
Having sex outside can’t always be a spontaneous choice. You need to think it through unless you want to get caught or have a group of sheep staring at you. Do you do it in the car first? Where can you park? If you go up the mountain, how far do you go to be secluded but not lost? What if you didn’t realise that the land is private and you’re trespassing? If you go to the beach, will sand get into certain cracks? I also don’t recommend doing it whilst walking the dog, unless you want a wet nose up your butt crack. It requires too much thinking and planning, stay in bed and just get to it!
4. Unwanted accidents occurring.
I’ve had a few friends tell me about some hilarious accidents that have happened to them whilst having sex outside. You can’t prepare for everything! A lot of people end up somehow cutting themselves on rocks or getting splinters. Not great when you’re naked. You might not realise that you’re about to get your arse stung by nettles, you might not see that pile of dog-shit that is just behind you…might want to keep your eyes peeled before you start.
5. The paranoia of getting caught.
This is a big one, especially if it’s your first time. Even if you’ve scouted the location weeks in advance and know no one will be there, you’ll still be against the tree with your eyes darting around, jumping at the slightest sound. Instead of enjoying the moment, you start imagining someone finding you. What if a family are out on a trip? What if an old couple are about to have their morning walk ruined? Just stay inside people.
6. Accidently leaving your mark.
I know this might sound a little odd, but think about it. If you’re having sex in or even on a car, you might leave stains or hand marks. You have to remove your shoes or you’ll get footprints on the car roof. If you’re in a bush or leaning on a tree, you might snag your clothes or leave, well, fluids. Whether you realise it or not, you’ll be leaving some sign of your fun behind.
7. Disastrous wardrobe malfunctions.
It’s difficult enough trying to plan the right outfit, but sex outside invites more problems to think about whilst you’re raiding your wardrobe. For women, wearing a skirt or dress is usually easier. Just raise it up and BAM, you’re ready. If someone unfortunately finds you, you can just let it drop and your modesty is covered. Sorry guys, you’re most likely stuck having to raise your jeans back up whilst running. But then, if it’s cold, tights will be too difficult and easy to rip. What if you catch your clothes on a branch or break your heels? Better make sure you don’t have any plans afterwards otherwise you’ll be visibly showing your antics. There’s too much to worry about!
8. Not knowing where or how to place yourself.
If you have a blanket on some grass or a beach then you’re golden. Just lie down and enjoy. But being in or on your car is difficult, it’s cramped in there! Trying to place yourself correctly on a rock is painful and standing against a tree can just get too itchy or rub you raw. Sure, there’s certain positions that are perfect but when you get too excited you can’t help but move! Yeah, definitely take a blanket.