Halloween punches are a necessity at any party. You’ve seen the movies. There’s always a giant bowl of punch at a prom. Punches require that citrusy zest. A lot of small Halloween gatherings have been made better with the presence of punch. Sometimes, the bowl is so big that it becomes a sad reminder of how not as many people showed up as you assumed would. Maybe there’s another person with the same name as you, and you are the “other” [insert name]. We’ll try to prevent that with these punches.
Plain Ol’ Fruit Punch
Start with the basics. Let’s not jump the gun on these punches, because everybody starts at a different punch-making experience level. Crawl before you skydive off the moon. You’ve got a lot of work cut out for you. If this is a family gathering, then ok—no one is going to be too hard on you for burning toast—but if this is a friend-event or public event, then you need to be on your game. Everyone’s favorite chef, Paula Deen, has a great recipe for punch: orange juice concentrate, lemonade concentrate, water, sugar, strawberries, and lemon-lime soda.
Rum Tropical Punch
Many times during the year, our friends and family bring warmth to our hearts. But, not on Halloween. In the Fall, Halloween punches with liquor bring you warmth—like the good old days, when modern medicine was in its infancy. You think to yourself, isn’t rum for pirates? Not always. If you would like to concoct this concoction, the recipe can be found here. The worst part about making punch for more than a few people is that you’re just going to have leftover punch (and wasted rum). That’s why you should just leave the bottle of rum next to the bowl of punch and hope that everyone knows how to pace themselves.
Here’s a recipe. Of the Halloween punches, this one is the best blend of Summer and Fall. Sangria creates a type of idyllic setting that something like Sex and the City would have.
One-Punch Man Deluxe
Go to the nearest convenience store or gas station and find the fruitiest energy drinks you can. Some energy drinks even have punch flavors. This will be expensive, so just buy whatever you can. Now go buy some Four Loko. Four Loko phased out their old recipe due to some states banning their energy drink recipe after some people accidentally died while drunk on it. It makes sense. If you had the recipe before they changed it, one can be enough for 3 people. You could be up until 5am tossing your cookies into a toilet somewhere. Bring that to your party.
You’re in uncharted territory here. This drink consists of a punch and nicotine. Take nicotine gum and let it sit in your punch for a day. If you have smokers, offer it to them, lest you have everyone at the party throwing up. This will be the most bitter punch you’ve ever tasted. If you’re going big, add some alcohol.
Purple Drank Punch (Virgin Tincture)
This one is similar to a Flaming Homer. We are going to omit the narcotics that traditionally go with “lean.” This one is a popular drink within the rap community. You can add alcohol, just leave out the illicit use of cough syrup. You’re going to make this punch a bit thicker than the others. Preferably cough syrup consistency, but if that’s unpalatable to you and your friends, then just do what’s necessary. Malt beverages like Four Loko are thick and also taste like cough syrup, so they might be a good replacement.
Van Gogh Punch
The key ingredient here is an alcohol tincture with thujone, called absinthe. Absinthe could fuel a car, so be careful with adding too much. Don’t leave the bottle out either. Here’s a recipe.
You’re going to want to buy candies. If you can find severed ears made from sugar, that would be amazing. If not, just decorate around it with a pile of fake ears, next to the bowl. If you’re really dedicated to the art, go to an abattoir and find some actual, severed pig ears and pickle them. Place the jar next to the punch. Go big or go home. If you would like, you can print out an image of Self-Portrait with Bandaged Ear to add some ambiance.
The Jim Jones Kool-Punch Deluxe
We’re going to take the base recipe for fruit punch and get some decorations together. If you can put fake corpses on your property, then you can have Jonestown decorations. This recipe allows for kool-aid to be added if you want some unhealthy authenticity. We want to get some candy Halloween powder. Put it in a makeshift container and then label that container, “cyanide.” Then put up a corpse decoration next to it, so the first person who criticizes you about the cyanide punch can be confronted on why they are ok with corpse decorations.
To add to the horrifying nature of what this drink is named after, you can find some audio of Jim Jones talking to his acolytes here. I do not suggest doing this nor would I advocate using the audio. It might make your Halloween party too… authenticly Halloween.
Sour Candy Punch
We’re going to basically be using the base punch listed first. Now go to the dollar store and get all the sour candy you can find. Sour Patch Kids, Now And Laters, Skittles, etc. Dump them in the punch. Don’t use candy corn.
Take everything you can get your hands on. It still has to taste like punch though. You can’t just make jungle juice. Take every citrusy, carbonated, sugary thing you have and figure something out with the alcohols that you have available. Mix all the ingredients together. Call it jungle-juice punch.