“Last Christmas I gave you my heart/But the very next day/You regifted it to someone else” Or something like that. I don’t know I’m not a big Wham! fan. Anyway, here are 10 great stocking stuffers for Christmas this year.
Hey, did you know we’re in the middle of a pandemic? Yeah, sometimes I forget too! But you know what I never forget? Hand sanitizer. Whether it’s going to the grocery store or passively aggressively telling my friends to be more careful about what they touch, there isn’t a single situation that isn’t drastically improved by having hand sanitizer on hand. Here’s a good maxim to live by, especially in college: people are gross, so don’t trust them to care about keeping others safe and healthy.
Some of the best memories I have of Christmas was coming down from my bedroom and seeing my stocking on the floor, overflowing with Nerds Rope, SweetTarts, Snickers, M&Ms, and Gobstoppers. It’s making my mouth water just thinking about it. It probably wasn’t the best idea to get an already hyper kid amped up with enough sugar to accurately simulate a couple lines of cocaine, but hey it’s Christmas! It only comes once a year, so why not go all out?
Staying hydrated is important: it prevents headaches, promotes healthy eating habits, and can even help you lose weight. But water is just so boring to look at. That’s why you need a tricked-out hydro flask to get the visual punch that normal old clear water bottles don’t have. But seriously, having a water bottle that you fill and finish twice a day is a great way to stay happy and healthy, and there’s no better time than during the Christmas season to get yourself into those good habits. In pretty much every size and style you can dream of, hydro flasks are great practical gifts that will fit in your stocking and be used well beyond Christmas.
33 ⅓ Books
At first, I thought that this was going to be too niche to be a good gift. Only true music fans are going to want to dive into the extreme breakdowns that make up the 33 ⅓ series, right? But then I did some research and, as it turns out, there’s a volume in this series for basically every single album ever made. Want to read about how Kanye made My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy? Or maybe you want to read about David Bowie’s Berlin period and his wacky masterpiece Low. Prince’s Sign o’ the Times, Stevie Wonder’s Songs in the Key of Life, and even the Twin Peaks soundtrack has a 33 ⅓ book about it. Basically if you like music in any way, there’s a pocket-sized writeup tailor made for you.
Switch Pro Controller
Playing on your Nintendo Switch is fun, but you know what’s not? Having to play on those crappy joycons. They drift, they never connect correctly, they break all the time, and they’re expensive as hell to replace. Instead of going in for your fifth pair, gift that special someone a much more user friendly experience while they’re playing Super Smash Bros or Breath of the Wild. It can make a great accompanying gift if you’re planning on buying some other Nintendo/video game related merch, or it goes great on its own (assuming the person has a Switch, of course). The difference in playing experience will be immediate, and you’ll have much more fun playing your favorite games.
Shots, shots, shot shot shot shots! I feel like in pretty much every gift-giving article I’ve written so far, I’ve managed to sneak in some kind of alcohol. Hey, again, it’s the holiday season. If you’re not going to drink during Christmas, when are you going to? Maybe it’s not the most “family friendly” idea, but I’ll bet you five bucks that a pocket size brandy shooter is exactly what your Grandma actually wants, even if she would never say it out loud. That goes for the rest of us too: in order to survive the trials and tribulations of yuletide cheer, loosen yourself up with some lowkey liquors.
Skin Care Kit
Woefully underused by most of the populace, there’s really nothing better than smoothing out your rough calloused hands with some hand cream or spreading some lotion on your arms and legs to get that silky smooth skin. It doesn’t take much to turn any little break in the day into your very own personal spa treatment, and you don’t have to shell out a ton of money just to treat yourself to feeling rejuvenated.
It’s hard to understate how useful it is to have a portable charger. The number of times I’ve had my phone die on me without being anywhere near an outlet is astronomical. If you, like me, have anything other than the most recent iPhone model, chances are your phone doesn’t hold a charge like it used to. Solve that problem with a convenient portable charger to save you anytime your phone decides to die at 20 percent. It’s not flashy or sexy, but it works as a perfect stocking stuffer because of its practicality. Hide it among the candy if you need to.
Super soft lip balm
So maybe things like tiny liquor bottles or the next item on this list are particularly “kid friendly”. There are certain gifts out there that you never grow out of, and lip balm is definitely one of them. Especially useful during the windy and chilly Christmas season, getting someone a nice EOS sphere is a thoughtful and age appropriate gift for anyone in your life.
Some, uh… “accessories”
…and now we take it in the complete opposite direction. If you’re a degenerate, have a super chill family, and/or live in Denver, then why not get some marijuana accessories as a stocking stuffer this year? Grinders, pieces, lighters: they’re all small enough to fit in the stocking, and festive enough to make a great gift for your favorite stoner. If you’re really feeling festive, bypass the accessories and just get them some of the devil’s lettuce during Jesus’ birthday. It’s what the lord would have wanted.