No matter where you live, there are high chances that, if you take public transit on a daily basis, you’ve probably seen some weird man jacking off, or worse. I’ve decided to share with you one of my favourite stories — one that got me a comedy writing scholarship, even — and I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I laugh thinking about it.
BTW: Last year, the Toronto Transit Commission launched a viral anti-harassment campaign called This Is Where. Well, TTC, that was indeed where… a man pulled out his **** at me. This is my story. I call it The Lump In His Pants.
Up until I was 16, I was living in Brazil. I was born and raised in the Latin America version of Australia — where nearly every animal wants to bite, poison or kill you… and nearly every person wants to socialize, dance or play soccer with you (which I personally find much worse).
One day, my mom decided that we were gonna move to Toronto. To my surprise, she wasn’t kidding. Also to my surprise, Toronto was not located in Japan. Before you jump into conclusions and think I’m a complete idiot, I’ll have you know that To-ron-to sounds a lot like Miyazaki’s My Neighbor To-to-ro.
Disappointed as I was, I bid farewell to my loved ones and quickly moved here.
Turns out that, unlike Tokyo & their crazy transit system, Toronto had a much less bustling system called the TTC. Yes, I arrived here knowing that crazy things happened on the TTC, but nothing would ever prepare me for what I would experience in my very first subway ride ever.
There I was, minding my own foreigner business.
I was going downtown when within 2 stops came in this man. He caught my attention right away. No, not because he was smelly, intoxicated and missing a shoe. No. It was because of his crotch.
Now, don’t get me wrong. It wasn’t just a random crotch. This man had a schlong the size of Christ the Redeemer. Imagine my surprise when he decided to sit directly next to me. In addition to his appendage, he drooled and mumbled all the time. I couldn’t help but stare as he groped himself.
Suddenly… complete eye contact.
That moment had me so terrified I clearly remember contracting my butt cheeks so fast it felt like blinking my asshole. I immediately saw a flashback of my entire life. I was completely terrified and utterly focused all at once.
He then shot up, unzipped his pants — and, at this point, blinking was out of the question and I was so scared I completely shut my asshole.
The worst part is that, while I really wanted to look away, I figured I should maintain full eye contact with him. If he was gonna make me feel uncomfortable, then I was gonna give it right back to him.
Slowly he proceeded to reach his right arm down his pants, all the way up to his elbow. A resounding gasp echoed throughout the train.
“Wow. I survived 15 years in the jungle, only to get harassed and assaulted the minute I move to a first world country. Sounds about right”, I thought.
The man produced the lump out of his trousers to reveal his precious cargo — a delicacy only found in Canada: not Tim Horton’s, not maple syrup, not even the CN Tower, but… naturally, a bag of milk.