An Open Letter To Student Loans

Going to college usually means forking over a ton of money and applying for student loans, read this if you hate your loans as much as we do!

Dearest Student Loans

It’s been about a year since we had our annual chat. You know, that one where I sit on the phone with Sally Mae all day? Ah yes, you must be remembering now. I must say, Student Loans, you cause me quite a bit of grief. Because who doesn’t love waking up in a cold sweat remembering they’re going to owe over $50,000 as soon as they finish their fourth-year final exams? It’s better than your first A+ on a collegiate paper!

But honestly, Student Loans, must you put a hold on my Student Information System every time you’re feeling a little greedy? Choosing classes for an upcoming semester is SO much more enjoyable when you get to sign off on more debt! Woohoo! Debt!

Oh, and let us not forget that wondrous conversation with the loan director. The one where they ask me my annual income, and I must remind myself that my minimum wage job can barely afford my utilities each month? But that truly has no effect on you, does it Student Loans? Because even though each time my income is lower and lower, you raise the stakes higher and higher. It’s so cute when you do that – pointing out the tumbleweeds in my wallet. Gosh, it’s just too darn cute.

Don’t even get me started on the fun-filled class I’m forced to take after I sign my life away! Learning all about interest rates, failure to pay back loans… it’s just what a college student needs when they haven’t even decided on a major! Here, Student Loans, allow me to prove my loyalty to the class you force me to take every single time I sign off on more student loans.

If one is to, you know, miss one of your pesky little federal payments, they have 270 days to make a payment before their debt goes into default. And what happens after that Student Loans? Come on… you precious adorable gem… what happens next? Once federal student debt is in default, the government can garnish your wages, your social security check, your federal tax refund AND your disability benefits! Let’s hope I don’t get cystic fibrosis or musculoskeletal problems, am I right?

Ah, Student Loans. Just writing this letter to you makes me so excited for my annual appointment coming up. Want to know how I was reminded? An email from my University telling me that I will be dropped from all fall classes if I do not sign more of my life away with their tuition! Don’t you just love to see that when you check your email for the most recent Old Navy discounts? I know I do!

Here’s What Living Alone Feels Like In Gifs

But by far, the best thing about you, Student Loans, is the necessary evil you are in my life. A young woman from Texas who was accepted into one of the most prestigious universities in America: The University of Virginia. So, in order to give myself upward mobility in the workforce, and cherish the weight of a degree from UVA, I decided to go out-of-state for college. Cha-ching for you! Upcharge! Because I want an unparalleled education, I’m in debt! Three cheers for capitalism! Hip-Hip… hooray! Hip-Hip… hooray! Hip-Hip… hooray!

From the bottom of my heart, I genuinely hate that you exist, Student Loans. My parents are three years from retirement, and you still hold a special place in their monthly bills. I hope our life together flourishes with timely payments and a well-paying job. You know I’ll need it.