What Every Men’s Shoe Style Says About You
They say that the shoes make the man. I don’t know who “they” are, but they’re right. What could be the least noticeable fashion choice can actually say the most about what kind of person you are. An entire outfit, an entire day, an entire image can be thrown completely out of whack by the slightest variation in footwear. Maybe you want to solidify who you really are inside and out, or maybe you want to see what other people are thinking about you when you step out into public. Consider this your guide to other people’s perceptions: this is what every men’s shoe style says about you.
Regular-old Sneakers
What this shoe style says about you:
There’s nothing like simplicity. Shoes are utilitarian: Nike, New Balance, Pumas, it’s all good with you. Sneakers never go out of style. You never know when you’re going to have to run for your life, or just run after your dog when they escape through the front door. Either way, you’re the guy who is going to be prepared. Alternatively, you get terrified when you go to the shoe store and just go with whatever doesn’t cost too much money. No shame.
Flip Flops
What this shoe style says about you:
Life’s a beach. You are the Dude, and you are currently abiding. New guy friends are bros, new girl friends are broettes, old friends are brosefs. Feet are just, like, meant to be free, you know? You’re just an easy-going soul, going wherever the wind blows. It doesn’t matter how close the nearest waves are, because the waves are already in your soul, man. By the way, pass the bong.
Steel-Toed Boots
What this shoe style says about you:
You are a man’s man. You might own a chop shop, or a woodworking business, or you’re about to head over for the night shift at the steel factory/warehouse. Your facial hair ranges from “impressively bushy” to “mountain man who hasn’t even looked at a razor since the Obama administration.” Some younger kids were complimenting you on your Timbs, but you’re not exactly sure why. You’ve been wearing the same four pairs of jeans your entire life.
Newly-Polished Dress Shoes
What this shoe style says about you:
You’re all business. People are always judging, so you are dressed to kill. You know that most of the time the first impression is the only impression. No one is going to catch you acting casual. Even though you’ve got a stuffed bank account, you flip the shoe shine boy a nickel like we’re still in the Great Depression. You felt bad for Jared Leto’s character when he died in American Psycho just because he objectively had a better business card. You tell your girlfriend that you’re voting for Biden.
Converse
What this shoe style says about you:
Music is your life. Your band is playing at the bar just down the street this friday, you should totally be there. It’s a quadruple bill and you’re going on last at 11PM, but that’s because you’re the headliner. Over half of the set are gonna be originals. It’s gonna be sick. Your fashion sense started with Lou Reed and ended with Julian Casablancas. You’re a hardcore feminist, but don’t actually like strong women very much. You think you look good in that leather jacket.
Cowboy Boots
What this shoe style says about you:
Howdy, ma’am. There’s a rodeo going on just down the street this friday, it’d be mighty nice to see you there. You tell people that your grandfather was John Wayne, because who’s going to call you out on it? You talk about “the family ranch” a lot, which in reality is just a trailer in an open field. A can of spitting tobacco is on your person at all times. You have an uncanny resemblance to one of the two main characters in Brokeback Mountain. You take that as a compliment, even though it’s not.
Five Finger Shoes
What this shoe style says about you:
You are part amphibian. You know that walking around any kind of creek, marsh, swamp, or wetland area is going to be a terrible experience if you don’t have the proper footwear. You own your own canoe, and one day you’re going to retire to a lakehouse. You had a strong high school cross country career, and some of your trophies are still on display in the hallways. You are horribly depressed.
Sliders
What this shoe style says about you:
Comfort is the name of the game. It doesn’t matter if you’re walking down the hall to get a snack from the vending machine or running an ultramarathon: you will not sacrifice trapping your toes in some confined closed-toe bullshit. You’ve balled in sliders, and you were only a few inches from dunking that one time when those girls were watching. There’s a decent chance you’re also the guy who wears basketball shorts when there’s a blizzard going on outside.
Socks and Sandals
What this shoe style says about you:
You’ve got big dad energy. You know your way around a grill. You have a sixth sense for when a car’s tire pressure is low. God help anyone who touches the thermostat when you’re around. You can’t understand what any of those hippity hop rapper guys are talking about, but you think that Post Malone looks like a swell guy ever since his Nirvana livestream, even with all those face tattoos. Your favorite movie is either The Shawshank Redemption or Invincible with Mark Whalberg. Everybody is either “buddy” or “pal” to you, regardless of age, gender, race, or level of familiarity.
Checkered Vans
What this shoe style says about you:
1998 called. You’re late for the Big Bad Voodoo Daddy concert. You’re still waiting with great anticipation for the fourth wave ska/big band revival to happen, or until Warped Tour resurrects itself from the depths of the pop punk afterlife. You have a wallet chain and fedora packed away somewhere in your closet, and you still think you look good in it. You saw a 14 year old girl wearing those same checkered Vans the other say, so you’re still at the forefront of fashion.
Clown shoes
What this shoe style says about you:
Hey, you know what they say about a guy with big feet…
