In college you get money and when you get money you spend money. Most of the time when you spend money its on something you absolutely don’t need, or its something you bought just to have. All of this is one of the experiences that comes with being a scholar along with freedom and friendships. But those years are behind me and even I was not perfect. I bought stuff that would leave heads itching like the driest weave. Be careful what you end up buying for college.
Do I regret it? Yes.
Would I do it again? Hell Yeah!
Take notes, this one is on me.
Thing 1: A Year Supply Of Trojan Magnums.
Condoms are important, but a year supply, especially since I was more virgin than olive oil till my Junior year, what was I even thinking. I wanted to look like I was slamming cheeks but I was tenderizing more than the Super Scrull on Marvel V. Capcom 3. I ended up selling most of them around rush week and midterms. Thank God I had a trunk back then. These weren’t worth me buying for college.
Thing 2: A Smartphone With A Contract
I hate Sprint till this day, but this was the first time I was exposed to credit. I used it to buy the phone, paid for it for a few months, had dry pockets for a while and that bastard piled up like bad acne. I ended up getting a settlement but if you saw my bill BEFORE the settlement then you would probably black out.
Thing 3: Sex Pocket
I did what I had to do to survive. If anything I’m glad my room mate never found it or if they did they never said anything. Being 19 was a hard year, ok?
Thing 4: Dirtbike
Turns out dirtbikes were illegal in Nashville public streets even if you had a license and safety equipment. 700 bucks down the drain making me regret buying for college.
Thing 5: A Brand New PS4
My GPA went down the f***ing toilet because of video games! I would ditch studying and homework and stay up for at least 10 hours straight playing COD. I wasn’t even that good but I was having so much fun I did not know I fell to addiction. Until my report card came in midterm and my parents saw it and drove 200 miles just to embarrass me in front of my whole dorm and literally snatch the thing out the wall and take it with them. C……Could they still do that, I bought that with my own money. Then I remembered my mom is Haitian and my dads from Queens so yeah, no arguing with that.
Thing 6: I-PAD
I only used it for porn, never to study. It was cheap so I made use of it. Sue me.
Thing 7: Coachella Tickets
NO REFUNDS, 400.oo, and the day before I head to the airport I had a seizure and was hospitalized for 3 days. I’m glad that I survived but that 400.00 haunts me till this day and the insane posts I saw on Instagram only made me cry that much harder. This is something you don’t need to be buying for college.
Things 8 and 9: Birthday Bash Tickets
Bought two, went to Atlanta expecting the best day ever only to spend 3 hours in traffic, pay 50.00 for parking and my date (who lived there) didn’t even show up. Shooting breaks out, took 2 extra hours to get out of the city back to Tennessee. All of that in ONE DAY!
Thing 10: Pot
I was actually in the DARE program back in elementary school, but one thing led to another and I ended up trying it. Here I am 7 years later…….living my life not bothered. If anything I want that time back!
Thing 11: Blow-Up Doll
I bought as a birthday gift to my best friend while I was in school as a birthday gift/ prank. Says his girlfriend found it and dumped him about it. We haven’t talked since. Sorry Kyle, but not sorry, she wasn’t the one bro. Definitely regret buying for college.
Thing 12: A Giant Penis Costume that Shoots Confetti From the Tip!
I kinda don’t regret this one because of how will things turned out when I got it. I bought it for a sex awareness seminar when I was on the student body. As a joke my president challenged us to come up with the wackiest safe sex campaign we could think of, little did he know who he thought he was talking to. I ran around campus at the top of every hour in that thing shooting confetti on to people and passing out fliers. I was the talk of campus for about 2 weeks and no one knew my face so campus PD never got back to me. Shout out to SGA for playing dumb. and not ratting me out. I still have the suit for parties in storage.
Thing 13: A T-Shirt Launcher
GOT DAMMIT EBAY!!! I tried to start a brand back in 2014 so I gave away some free product at a couple of student events. But passing them out was lame so I bought a t-shirt gun! The only down side was that one time I shot a shirt at someone and it missed and hit this girl who was spilled her food because she was startled. She chased me pretty far and threatened to get her boyfriend to kill me. I said I was sorry, somehow we never crossed paths again.
Thing 14: Paintball Gun
Homecoming week the rival school invaded our campus at 2 in the morning and went splattering peoples cars with paint balls. One of their victims was my 99 Honda Civic. See, I had a serious anger problem back in college and was taking treatment but I wanted revenge for this. I went to Walmart a the next night, bought a paintball rifle, about 1,000 in ammunition, a hockey mask. Pulled up to *No Snitching* and let the rage out on an entire dorm parking lot. I never got caught because I parked in the same place my car got hit when the other school came back again, heck I didn’t even wash it until homecoming week was over. Gotta be smart when you get revenge you know?
Thing 15: FAKE I.D
Oh yeah, I tried it, and it worked for a while. The only time it didn’t work was this one time I tried to buy some brew for a friend (I was 20 and my birthday was in exactly 2 days). The cashier lady was super nice about it though, she didn’t confiscate it because I was honest about it. She just told me to “Come back tomorrow” and pay and extra 5.00 on my ticket, which I was okay with. Honesty will keep you out of jail, is the lesson I learned that day.
Thing 16: Spiked Punch Bottle
It was called “Dizzy Punch” back then and some dude sold them on campus every Friday but he would be at certain spots out of the police eye. I happen to stumble across him and buy one. Mind y’all I was inexperienced with alcohol at the time so I downed the whole thing in 5 minutes. About 30 minutes later I’m stumbling around campus, smiling uncontrollably and laughing like crazy. I remember the feeling all too well, what I hated was that it took me two hours to make it back to my room and pass out but in sober time I was only five minutes away. Dizzy Punch indeed.
Thing 17: Fitbit
Bought it and never used it, matter of fact I lost it. I lose small objects way too often till this day.
Thing 18: A Wooden Paddle
Valentines Day 2014, things happened, but that day I became a man and she became a screamer. Nuff said. It’s something I regret buying for college.