How our sexuality is viewed and how we can represent ourselves with it is opening up more everyday. You can come out now and be supported be dozens of people who love you just the way you are. Even though people still have many conflicting ideas I feel as a whole the coming generations are more accepting and think that people should be allowed to be themselves without judgement. As much as the world is changing there are still many people who cast judgment on anyone who experiences life in a way that is different from there own. Being an openly sexual person is one of those things people still turn their nose up at.
How It Started For Me
I went through puberty at a very young age. Hand to God, I was only ten years old and I had no idea I had even started my period until my mother noticed the stains on my underwear. After that first menstrual cycle puberty, as I like to say, hit me like a wrecking ball. My boobs came out of my chest almost instantly and still haven’t stopped growing. I wasn’t blind to the fact that I was developing. I looked like I was sixteen at age twelve and the looks of wanting eyes of the men around me in my life weren’t lost on me.
I was told to suck it up because that is what boys do when kids my age ran by me and smacked my ass. In eight grade my male peers really started to notice that I was a little more full figured than the other girls in my class. They reacted oh so maturely by calling my “Titanic Tits”, TT for short. I laughed when they called me it because as girls we are told to ignore boys harsh words because they are only looking to get a rise out of you. I ignored them at first, but as they continued to taunt me through the school year I resorted to shoving them into the lockers. I even began wearing my brothers old baggy clothes at a failed attempt to hide my developing body. School went on and the words began bothering me less and less. I don’t think it was because I was getting any stronger, but because hurtful words turn into white noise after a while. It just goes to show you though that even if your not an openly sexual person or even have any idea about your sexuality, people will make judgments and place a label on you before you even make one for yourself.
While in high school I learned to ignore my tormentors but when you are walking around with double d boobs at sixteen people tend to make some insinuations about you. I wasn’t as big of a slut as they all assumed I was, but if I ever did something with a boy everyone else my age was doing it just confirmed the fact that I was the girl they all thought I was. Not just a teenage girl with ranging hormones like everyone else. If I ever liked a guy jokes were instantly made.
My nickname in high school was J-Woo, but for a hot minute people began referring to me as J-Blew and then filled in the name of whoever I was seeing or interested in. As the high school torment continued I didn’t hide what I was doing as much and started becoming the openly sexual person that I am. Everyone was whispering about me anyway, what was being said about me might as well come straight from me. The more I admitted that I was interested in sex and my sexuality they more judgments people seemed to make, because god forbid a girl be confident and open with who she is and what she enjoys in life.
You Should Respect Yourself
When I got to college I really let myself be more wild. Even though I had a reputation in high school I had only had sex with one guy the rest was all make out sessions and groping. I was finally on my own and with people who didn’t know me for my past mistakes. College really was where it got better. I was still my crazy, ridiculous, openly sexual self, but in college people tend to care less about that so I was able to just be me. My guy friends love how blunt I was about sex because they were able to joke with me and talk to me about their girl issues without it being a thing. I didn’t have to worry about what people were thinking. Yeah, there were still some people who were super judgy. Girls who knew me through my friends or by my reputation telling me I needed to “respect myself.”
What people don’t get is that just because someone is an openly sexual person doesn’t mean they are not respecting themselves. I make the rules of who I am with, when I am with them, and how I am with them. I never allow anything to happen that I am not okay with, but I am confident in my actions. Sure there have been things I have regretted along the line. We all have guys we wish we could erase off the list of guys we have been with, but just because a person is having fun between the sheets doesn’t mean they aren’t respecting ourselves.
The only time I had ever felt any guilt or shame about my actions was when my sexual partners number was getting a little bit too high. I was told the rule that your sex number should never be past your age and it felt like a stone in my stomach when I did the math realizing where my body count fell with that rule. We all have that list of people we been with and for whatever reason even when we are an openly sexual person we are still expected to not let our numbers get too high. That feeling of guilt was short lived though because I came to a get realization. I wasn’t doing anything wrong. I was on the pill, I always used a condom, and what I was doing was consensual. Anything outside of that didn’t matter. As long as I was happy with my actions that is all that matter and I felt so much better about myself once I threw that list out.
Moving Past All It
It is always hard to try to ignore what people might say about you. We live in a world where other people’s opinions tend to matter at time and it is hard to not hold ourselves up by someone’s standard at times. If you are feeling like you are doing something wrong because you are sexual than you need to take a step back and breath to remind yourself that you are not.