Cleaning your room can be an arduous, unfun, mentally draining task. But it’s a necessary task nonetheless. You don’t live in a sty, and it’s time to prove it. If you don’t have any experience in the cleansing arts, consider this your perfect step by step guide of what to expect.
Step 1: Acquire Your Supplies
Unless you’re some kind of obsessive compulsive wacko, you probably don’t keep a vacuum, duster, rubber gloves, various soaps and cleaners, Drain-O, toilet cleaner, wet mop, and trash bags at the ready at all times. If you do, hey, no judgment. You’re well prepared for the task at hand (or a germaphobe). But if you’re not, you’ll have to make a trip to Target to get the proper supplies, or you can ask around the other dorms to see who can help you out. Chances are everyone has at least one thing that will prove useful.
Step 2: Pile the Supplies Until You Get the Motivation to Clean
Now that you have acquired all your necessary supplies, take a break! You’ve made it this far, so you’ve earned it! A king or queen of cleaning like yourself deserves some relaxation. Kick back with a nice drink and/or some microwave mac and cheese, put on some absolute bangers (it’s your choice whether you decide to go with the Jonas Brothers or Bowling for Soup’s theme song to Phineas and Ferb. If your choice is neither, I can’t help your lack of good taste), and take a load off. That cleaning will definitely happen eventually. No reason to rush into it.
Step 3: Have a Huge Assignment Due Really Soon
This can take the form of a big exam, an essay that’s worth a massive chunk of your grade, a group project that you’re absolutely going to flake on, or any other assignment that will have dire consequences if not properly planned for. Make sure it’s something that you’ll feel super stressed about. Otherwise you won’t be able to muster up the proper amount of apathy needed for step 4.
Step 4: Procrastinate the Hell Out of That Assignment by Cleaning
Now’s the time. You’re absolutely NOT going to take that assignment as seriously as you should. Sorry to be blunt, but I know it, and you do too. So instead, do something else productive to get that shot of serotonin. There will be plenty of time to get that assignment done. And if not, hey, there’s always a chance to get an extension. You can’t put off cleaning any longer.
Step 5: Start with the Alcohol Debris
Beer cans, empty vodka bottles, red Solo cups, that weird stain of Natty Light that’s gotten sticky on the floor from when Bobby spilled and no one bothered to clean it up. Everybody has different levels of alcohol debris, but unless you’re a teetotaler or Amish, chances are you have at least some level of leftover debris from a drinking night. This is the easiest thing to check off your cleaning list, and truth be told, if you don’t actually end up committing to this whole cleaning thing, just cleaning up the alcohol graveyard will make you feel better than sprucing up any other part of the dorm.
Step 6: Vacuum Away a Years Worth of Crud
It’s weird that you’ve only been in your room for a few months and yet the floor looks like it should be featured in an episode of Hoarders, right? But it’s all worth it to hear that incredibly satisfying suction sound that comes when you vacuum all the crumbs up from the floor. When that hits, it’s basically orgasmic. Never has cleaning been so sexy. Once you’ve recovered from that highly erotic moment, get to the less romatic areas of the floor. Not feeling stray crumbs or dust on your feet when you walk around your room is a weirdly satisfying experience. It’s easy to take it for granted, but when you get rid of all that floor crud, it feels like you’re living in a whole new space.
Step 7: Dust Like Your Life Depends On It
This is the easiest step to skip, and it’s probably not high on the priority list. Dusting? Who are you, your 80 year old grandmother? But it’s ridiculous how much of a difference dusting makes. You know who dusts? The British. And not just the stuffy, old Victorian “God Save the Queen” types of Brits, but all types. Just another way that our forefathers across the Atlantic are superior. Every British abode is completely dustless. Are we really going to be bettered by those dirty slags? I certainly hope not. The first step is to get out that duster and show them who really won the Revolutionary War. Somehow this step has gone on a completely off-base tangent into Briton bashing. Just dust, ok? That’s the point I’m trying to make.
Step 8: Face Your Greatest Enemy, the Bathroom
If you live in a dorm with a communal bathroom, congratulations. You’ve dodged a major bullet. If you are a girl and live with a girl, again congratulations. Unless you live with total slobs, the worst you’re probably going to have to deal with is hair clogging the shower drain. If you are a guy or live with guys… *whew* I’m so sorry. There’s at least an 80 percent chance that your bathroom is absolutely disgusting. And whether you’ve drawn the short straw or you’ve resigned yourself to martyrdom, just mentally prepare yourself for the trauma you’re about to put yourself through. While you’re cleaning, just remember to think of the custodial staff that has to deal with this shit (no pun intended) every single day. Or maybe think about your poor mother, who probably had to clean up your disgusting bathroom for 18 years. Give her a call. She misses you.
Step 9: Take A Good Cry at the Horrors You Just Faced
Wow, you just tackled the beast. You’ve faced the traumas that others will never know about. You just made your living situation so much better. And you feel… emotionally drained. Awful, in fact. It was hard work. Way harder than you thought. How can one (or two, or three, or four) people make so much mess? How could you possibly do this again when it gets dirty? And that’s when the waterworks start. It’s ok, let it all out. You’ve earned this.
Step 10: Finish Any Miscellaneous Tasks
This could include, but is not limited to: cleaning out the mini fridge and its questionable contents, cleaning the mirrors, changing your sheets and doing any extraneous laundry that you forgot to do last weekend. When it’s all done, you’ll be surprised at how much you actually got done. Make sure that you didn’t half ass anything, because you’ll never be able to look at that stray pile of garbage or that uncleaned corner if you don’t attack it while you have the motivation. Finishing your work is the most essential part of cleaning. It gives your work a sense of finality and gives you a sense of accomplishment. You fucking did it! Which leads us to step 11…
Step 11: Be Proud of the Work You’ve Accomplished
Every time people walk through the door, they’ll be like “Oh my God, this place is so clean!” Let that fuel you. You made this happen. Soak in that appreciation. Make sure everyone appreciates your work. Point it out to people if they don’t pay proper attention to it. Be a cocky bitch about it, because you’re the bitch that made this happen! Modesty is for losers. You’re a pro dorm cleaner baby! Just be sure not to sell it too much, because then your friends are going to start wanting you to clean their dorms too, and honestly that will never, ever happen. Ever.
Step 12: Proceed to Not Clean for Another Three Months
Hey, you worked hard on this. It looks really good, and it’s bound to still look really good for a while right? Yeah, definitely. Pat yourself on the back and don’t be caught up in the future. For now, just enjoy your nice clean dorm room.