One of the big reasons often given for why women should go through recruitment is to find a “home away from home.” Unfortunately, that isn’t always the case. For most of us who are happy with our sorority, that happiness might not be at 100 percent all the time. Sometimes we’re irritated with our chapter, nationals, even Greek life as a whole. Sometimes we’re having problems with friends or dues. As someone who has had a love-hate relationship with sororities, here are ways to handle when you feel out of place in your sorority, from the small issues to the big ones.
The simplest way to feel more at home in your sorority is to spend more time around it. I was so excited to join my chapter that I went to almost everything in the months after bid day, from potluck dinners in the house to frat philanthropy events; I even won Sister of the Week in my first semester for getting so involved at Lambda Chi’s field day (word of advice, however: if someone is looking for volunteers for a watermelon-eating contest, do. not. volunteer.)
It’s how I met sisters outside of my pledge class and got closer with ones in it. Even if you don’t have lots of spare time, go to things you can; you’ll probably end up with a different group of sisters each time. Last month our Panhel held a yoga/spa night, and I went a) for the free food and b) to be supportive to one of our sisters, who is in charge of programming for Panhel.
I was planning just to pop in, but stayed and had a really good time, despite the fact that most of the girls there weren’t ones I regularly hang out with. But it was a great time just to talk and relax (and made for a great midterm study break), and it reminded me why I went Greek–community.
Chances are you don’t know everyone in chapter, at least not that well. You might barely know some girls in your PC. Reach out to the ones you have a casual friendship with or get along with. It doesn’t have to be awkward or some big plan, just a simple “hey want to catch up and grab coffee” can work.
Even though we talk about how we are all sisters, in groups of over a hundred, there are always going to be differing personalities and interests, so there isn’t necessarily one “place” in a chapter. Getting to know a different group of girls is an opportunity to find your place in the chapter. Those casual friends can develop into lifelong ones; you just have to take that first step.
Talk to sisters you’re close to, like your big or PC mom. Share your concerns and your feelings. I’ve done that with multiple sisters when I’ve been struggling with feeling like I belong. Even if they don’t have advice, a listening ear is still really nice to have.
Also, it might be a good jumping off point for the ideas I mentioned above. When I first shared with one of my friends about feeling out of place, she didn’t just encourage me to spend more time with sisters, she invited me to events, outings, etc. We preach Greek life as a great way to make connections for post-grad work. Your sisters can also be a great way to make connections within the chapter.
Most, if not all, sororities require their members to be in other activities. I personally am in far more than my required two at any given time because there are many things I enjoy or am passionate about.
Go out and find those things. Even if your sorority is truly your home, your anchor on campus, there is no reason it has to be the only thing or even the biggest thing you do. My best friend isn’t Greek, and she’s certainly not the only one of my friends who isn’t; in fact, I probably regularly talk to more non-Greeks than Greeks.
The point is that we have lives and interests and friends outside of Greek life. If you aren’t feeling like your chapter is the best thing you have going or may not be the best fit for you, strengthen your other friendships. Join a student publication, go to more meetings of clubs, try out for a rec sports team, etc. I believe this is good to do even if your sorority is your home. There’s nothing wrong with having multiple places you feel at home.
Disaffiliation is not something I would take lightly, but it is an option. Maybe you joined and realized Greek life truly isn’t for you and you aren’t getting anything out of it, or maybe you feel extremely out of place because your sisters are cliquey or rude to you, though I hope that isn’t the case.
If you think that staying isn’t right for you, be confident in that decision. As cliche as it is, if they’re actually good friends, your friends won’t cut you off for leaving.
There have been times I’ve felt so frustrated with the entire system or felt so out of place that I considered leaving. The sisters I talked to encouraged me to stay and talked through my problems with me, but they also promised to support me and stand by me whatever choice I made. Obviously, I didn’t disaffiliate, but I am still friends with some girls who have for whatever reason. It’s okay. You just have to make the choice that’s best for you.Hopefully, you are never in a place like that and that my earlier advice is sufficient. Even if it’s not perfect, your chapter can still be a valuable resource and a home for you.
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