Facial hairstyles say a lot about a person. Many people seem to have their entire identities tangled somewhere in their beard. Is that a bread crumb or their personality? Growing and styling facial hair can be one of the greatest means of self expression, but unfortunately, all that’s really in right now is a standard, well-groomed beard.
We need to bring back creativity when it comes to our whiskers. Here are some of the most eye-catching, flamboyant facial hairstyles that need to be brought back. Some of them were never even remotely popular to begin with, but they’re so incredible they just can’t be ignored.
The Rollie Fingers
If you want to intimidate opposing batters or just look like you’re going to tie someone to some train tracks, this is the look for you. How do you think pitcher Rollie Fingers got into the hall of fame? Success is all about confidence, and how could you not feel great about yourself while sporting this curly mustache?
Think about the upper hand it would give you in conversations. All you have to do is start twirling the tips of your stache, and watch as the seed of doubt is planted in their mind. What’s going on in your head? What do you know that they don’t? You have a secret. One simply does not negotiate with someone who is wearing the Rollie Fingers look. Although if you both have it, imagine the stalemate that would ensue. The ultimate clash of titans. The solution is a twirl-off.
The Soul Patch
Let’s be honest, this was always the most illogical of the widely accepted facial hairstyles. This one had to have originated by accident. One day somebody missed a spot while shaving and it somehow spiraled into a cultural phenomenon.
It takes a tremendous amount of self-assurance to walk out in public and say “I meant to do this.” That’s what makes it so great. The soul patch is a clear indicator of somebody who simply knows what they want in life. Not to mention the hours of flavor savoring.
The Ultimate Neckbeard
The term neckbeard has sort of become a pejorative in today’s society. Neckbeards tend to be associated with fedoras and reply guys. Indeed, if you just call someone a neckbeard, it really has nothing to do with whether or not they actually have one. It’s just associated with smelling like booty and harassing women online.
It’s a real shame though, as some people can really only grow neckbeards. So what’s the solution? Lean into it. Take the neckbeard back. Grow the longest, most preposterous neckbeard the world has ever seen. Make it indistinguishable from the hair on your head. Live your dreams.
This is some big brain, 200 IQ stuff here. Why aren’t we using our beards for more practical purposes? Whether you’re a hypnotherapist or a magician, these swirls can have tremendous applications. “Just look into my chin.”
Mirrors become quite dangerous with this look, unfortunately.
This one’s a symbol of creativity and genius. Frank Zappa was one of the most prolific and eccentric musicians to ever live, and there’s no way that his ingenuity wouldn’t rub off on you at least a little bit if you rocked this look.
It’s an evolution of the soul patch that’s not for the feint of heart. It’s only for the hairiest of people, though. If your facial hair doesn’t come in thick and glorious, this isn’t the way to go. It becomes something else entirely.
The Honest Abe
This one’s for anyone who wants to pay homage to one of history’s greatest presidents or anyone who simply can’t grow a mustache. Full disclosure, I am one of those mustache-challenged people and my partner says my beard makes me look like Lincoln, even though that’s absolutely not what I’m going for. Maybe I should be, though.
If we bring this look back in fashion, I’ll finally have a shot at having facial hair that’s in right now, and not four score and seven years ago. So yes, I have an agenda here.
This mustache is really only on this list as a desperate attempt to make it feel normal again. Any time you see someone walking around with this look you can’t help but wonder if they’re allowed within 500 feet of a school.
It’s unclear what it says about a person who will wear their stache this way, knowing what people are going to think about them. Are they simply that confident in who they are that they don’t care, or did they have to introduce themselves to the neighborhood anyway and they just decided to roll with it? Sorry, Aaron Rodgers.
The Original Sideburns
Sideburns have become so watered down. They turned into ear handles, and nothing more. We need to bring these back to the very source, General Ambrose Burnside. Yes, that’s where the name comes from. It doesn’t just mean facial hair on the side of the head that should be burned off because it looks terrible.
No, true sideburns are really just a big bushy beard with the chin cut out. It prioritizes function and form. It looks great and leaves so much room for activities. Get a piercing, make out with somebody, live your life.
If the recent release of “Assassin’s Creed Valhalla” proved anything, it’s that Vikings are just really cool. Why not plunder and pillage your own life by going all in with these braids? To be clear, literal pillaging is bad. We do not condone literal pillaging and plundering.
You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain.
With such an overwhelming number of facial hairstyles to choose from, why limit yourself to just a basic beard? Live freely, live dangerously, live uniquely. What are your favorite facial hairstyles? Put down those razors and let us hear about it!
Images via baseballhall.org, hairclippercenter.net, flickr.com, David Steedley on Pinterest, nme.com, biography.com, esquire.com, artofmanliness.com, menhairstylesworld.com and thesun.ie