Things To Avoid In A Crowded Theatre

Everyone loves going to the cinema, whether it is to watch a highly anticipated movie or because their significant other dragged them to another flick starring that guy. Even so, when the entire neighborhood decides to tag along, you’re now suddenly inside a crowded theatre with no room to breath and proper etiquette to respect and obey. Please, don’t be that guy who needs popcorn launched at his cranium. By following my wisdom in regards to things that need to be avoided in a crowded theatre and, in no time at all, you’ll have less popcorn to evade and more to eat!

Don’t Call, Text, Or Do Anything Phone Related

Yes, we are all well aware of the fact that, in 2019, people tend to be glued to their phones like it’s some form of sadistic life support, but for the love of all things holy, keep it in your pants! You are here to witness art in the making, not inform your friend Josephine on yesterday’s bowel movements. You would assume this is common sense/etiquette when in a crowded theatre but nope, theater employees are actually required, before the commencement of any movie, to inform moviegoers to keep their phones hidden in order to prevent distraction to self and others.

Despite these regulations, however, people tend to still wipe them out. (No, lowering the brightness setting will NOT change anything in a darkened movie theater, A for effort though.) Please, put your phones away, if not for others then to prove to yourself that technology has of yet to ruin your life (Josephine will understand).

Don’t Kick, Slap, Pummel, Bunt, Or Completely Remove The Seat From Its Hinges

Let this be made perfectly clear, going inside a crowded theatre is NOT akin to taking a trip to an amusement park. There is no reason, at any moment throughout my cinematic experience, to feel like I have taken a seat on the world’s most nauseating rollercoaster. Having your seat continuously kicked by the frantic baboon behind you is not a pleasant feeling. Sir, if you are going to jam your mammoth, size 15 boot into my spine, I will have to not-so-politely ask you to leave.

Even worse still, is when said individual decides it’s an acceptable idea to put their feet on your headrest. Man, I do not, nor do I want to, know what sort of animal dung you’ve just walked through earlier today, please be considerate. Unless you encounter the inconvenience of having Slender Man sit behind you, there is no excusable reason to have to endure this sort of treatment.

Don’t Talk, Chat, Or Even Whisper (Just Stop Breathing)

You would be lying to yourself and the ones you love if you didn’t, even for a second, presume talking would be number one thing NOT to do in a crowded theatre. No talking must be the most prevalent and logical form of cinema etiquette (despite how frequently it tends to be ignored). Again, moviegoers did not dish out their hard earned cash to listen to Josephine ruminate as to why she believes her boyfriend Jimmy may be deceiving her; it is not the place for that!

Nonetheless, if you believe whispering to be part of the solution, well then madame, I am sorry to report this, but you are part of the problem. Although you may assume that you are being quiet and no one can hear you, you are about as wrong as Josephine’s assumptions of boyfriend Jimmy. Please, don’t be a Josephine.

Instead, Be An Inspiration

All joking aside, you should consider taking it upon yourself to be that guy who follows crowded theatre etiquette. Let’s walk through it, shall we? Let’s say you’re notably excited to watch this movie that feels like you’ve been waiting for since the day you were born.

First, keep your phone in your pocket. That is, turn it off. Or, if you can’t handle that, put it on silent (not vibrate, because then you will feel inclined to look). Next, do NOT kick the seat in front of you, otherwise you’ll get what you deserve. And, lastly, don’t talk to your neighbor. Please, just wait for the movie to be over before you begin discussing as to why it was a great disappointment.

Have you ever had a terrible experience in a crowded theatre? If so, I’d love to read about it in the comments below!

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