5 Do’s and Don’ts on Reigniting With An Old Flame
Your Ex just called and no surprise, he wants to talk about getting back together. Old flames have a way of creeping back into our lives. Sometimes they work out and sometimes they set you back. Here’s 5 do’s and don’t on what you should be doing.
1. Do hear them out
It’s been a while since you’ve heard from this old flame and they sound like they really miss you. Try meeting up with them and see what they have to say. Use this as an opportunity to get answers you never got in the beginning. The ball is in your court to get any clarity you need. You won’t be able to move forward if there’s unanswered questions in the relationship. Don’t be quick to dismiss them. Listen to them and wait to speak. It’s not going to help the situation if we’re only listening to respond rather than listening to understand.
Don’t believe everything you hear
You’re doing them a favor by hearing them out, that doesn’t mean you have to believe them. You may still be hurting from things that happened during the relationship. Emotions are high. Getting back together would mend the pain, but it won’t fix the trauma. There’s a lot that needs to happen before talking about reconciliation. You need to establish some kind of trust between each other first. The talk you have should be one of many. You’re not going to solve everything in one sitting. If they are serious about moving forward, they will wait for you. They will be better and show you they have changed.
2. Do move on
Whether you’ve decided if they’re worth a second chance, an old flame would want you to move on from the past. As much as they want to fix things, they’re not going to sit around and listen to all the mistake they made. If they’re stepping back into your life, it’s because they’ve moved on from what broke you up. They’re wanting to put it behind them and start fresh. If that’s something you’re willing to do, you need to put the past behind you. Be honest with yourself about where you’re at this point of your life. Whether it was your fault, their fault, or no one’s fault, is it worth holding onto?
Don’t continue the blame
Blaming or pushing blame on someone will only accelerate an issue. You’re looking to find a compromise. Coming to an agreement in a mending relationship takes time. Pushing blame or spending your time arguing will only make that time longer. You need to settle your issues with them early on. Get everything out because getting into the relationship again. It will ultimately doom you because with every disagreement or fight, you’ll want to pull it out and use it to your advantage. It takes two people to form a relationship. If you’re serious about trying again, put your pride aside and talk it through.
3. Do have the courage to speak up
An old flame coming back into your life feels exciting, but also confusing. You’ve been talking for a couple weeks now and your stomach still feels like it’s in knots. They keep pressing you to see if you’re ready to make it official again. Have the courage to state you need more. More time, more attention, more communication, MORE of them. You can’t base a relationship on a couple of chats and some laughs. Don’t let yourself get pulled in, have the courage to get the things you need. They should accommodate you. If they’re worth it, they’ll slow down and put in the work.
Don’t let yourself be gaslighted
Sometimes when entering a relationship for the second time, an old flame may try to change the narrative of the relationship. Saying things like, you were the one that was the problem or the time you caught him cheating for all in your head. Whatever the reason was, stick to your facts. You know who they are and you know what happened. Don’t let the desire of getting back together cloud your judgment on reality. If they are resorting to gas lighting, that might be a red flag that they haven’t changed. You don’t want to make the same mistake twice. Listen to your gut and act on it.
4. Do take things slow
When you decide to get back into a relationship, especially with an ex, it’s common to want to pick up where you left off. The only problem is, you’re not who you were back then. The break up, it changed you. It made you see things differently and as a result, made you more aware of your decisions. We jump from decision to decision without giving it a second thought. Relationships blind us from the outside world, breakups open your eyes. Now that you’re awake, let them know how important it is to take things slow. Take the knowledge you were given from your grief and turn it into power for your relationship.
Don’t assume things will be perfect
At times, when getting back together with an old flame, we assume things to be 100% fixed or better. The first few months you’ll have some great moments. They’ve won you back and will stop at nothing to show you how much they’ve changed. Just remember, the honeymoon will end. You have to enjoy being around them on a normal basis. You’re going to make mistakes. You’ll fight and make up. Don’t let your expectations of a complete 180 turnover be what you base your relationship on. You’ll be setting up both them and your relationship to fail the moment they let you down.
5. Do consider your feeling
Try putting yourself first in this situation. An old flame showing up again can cause you to have mixed feelings. Don’t let that sway you into a commitment when you’re not ready. Be okay with having moved on. You’ve built a life after their departure. You’ve met so many other people after them. They have to come to terms that you haven’t been waiting for them this whole time. If your feelings are with someone else, let them know before making any big declaration of love. Talk to them and explain how you feel. How the time you guys spent together was amazing, even in the end. After time, them coming back seemed less of a want and more of an inconvenience in your mind. You have to be in charge of how the situation goes from here. Consider their feelings, but also respect your own by being honest.
Don’t be afraid of staying away
Exes sometimes feel awkward cutting all ties with old flames. They feel that if they’re still around in a way, there’s still a chance. Social media makes it hard to move on in the first place. You’re just a click away from their profile and you imagine what it is they’re doing. Don’t be afraid of saying no. No to social media, no to stalking, and especially no to them. You’re not just going to jump at the chance for something who decides to come back. They made a choice and so did you. Staying away is the best policy if they are no longer what you want.
If this person is worth it, they’ll work you with you to make things right. Otherwise BYE, onto better things like self love. Let us know how you’re feeling about your old flame.