Every New Year’s, your friend Jerry hosts a grand party at his home. Many people are invited, but few actually get to speak for more than a few seconds with him. Fortunately, you have known Jerry for many years, and so you’re one of the few people he spends the most time with. This night attests to that fact and, after the majority of guests have departed, a select few still remain to enjoy an hour of chatting in the impressive sitting room. After taking a sip from his glass of champagne, Jerry asks what everyone’s New Year’s resolutions are. To start things off, Jerry elects to go first.
Jerry clears his throat and tells everyone that his New Year’s resolution is to go on a diet. You cannot help but snort derisively at this, since you know Jerry loves cookies too much to ever last very long on a diet. Before you have the chance to tell him this Jerry laughs and says that he’s serious. You’re sure that your face betrays how skeptical you are, so turning to Katie, who is sitting right next to you, he asks her what she thinks. Unfortunately for Jerry, she agrees with you.
Now that Jerry has shared his New Year’s resolution, it’s time for someone else to get up and tell everyone theirs. As soon as Jerry sits back on the couch, Patrick jumps out of his seat by the fireplace in order to go next. While doing so, some champagne is spilled from his flute, landing on the weathered tile floor. This little accident does not faze Pat in the slightest, who declares in a slightly loud voice – no doubt caused by the large amount of champagne he’s been drinking – that he wants to find love.
Become a millionaire
Everyone laughs at this New Year’s resolution because, due to Patrick’s personality – which is a little wacky – it’s hard to be romantically interested in him. As Pat retreats back to his comfy chair, Jerry turns to Rebecca, who is sitting next to you, and asks her if she’d like to go next. She willingly complies and, clearing her throat, informs everyone in a serious manner that her resolution is to become a millionaire like Jerry. While you think that this is a nice thought, it’s incredibly hard to do, and Rebecca probably won’t achieve millionaire status this year.
Move to a different house
So, Rebecca sits back down after receiving kind (but empty) words of encouragement from everyone present. Jerry then looks at you expectantly, and so you drink the rest of your champagne and push yourself off the sofa to say your own New Year’s resolution. You’ve been thinking about moving into a new house this year, so you use this as your resolution. However, while this seems doable – at least in your mind – it’s not so easy in reality. The apartment you live in now, although slightly smaller than you’d like, is very close to where you work, saving you hundreds of dollars in gas money. Why leave when it makes more sense to stay?
Create your own business
OK, so perhaps your New Year’s resolution wasn’t thought out very hard, but you’re still sure that it’s the most doable of all the ones you’ve heard so far tonight. This doesn’t change when Lucy, a dog sitter from the inner city, tells everyone that she wants to create her own business. Look, Lucy’s a nice girl, but she just doesn’t have the knowledge to run a successful business. Although who knows, perhaps she’ll surprise everyone and become as wealthy as Jerry. She promises that if she does, then everyone here will be invited to her house-warming party.
Learn how to fly a helicopter
Once Lucy sits down, Jerry puts his hand on Paul’s back and pushes him forward, saying “Alright, Paul. You’re up.” Paul takes a moment to stretch out for a moment before slowly pushing himself off the couch. After reaching the fireplace, he turns around and faces everyone. Paul’s New Year’s resolution is to learn how to fly a helicopter. Jerry immediately replies “Great! Let’s get to it right now!” Paul gapes at Jerry for a second, and this hesitation reveals that he’s not actually too keen on flying.
Become an actor
Jerry can see the slight worry in Paul’s expression, so to save face, he laughs and waves his hand, saying “Oh, I was just joking. I’m too tired to fly around in the dark anyway.” Relieved, Paul sits back down. Jerry, on the other hand, gets back up and announces that he’s changing his New Year’s resolution. After some thought, he has decided that it’d be really cool if he could become an actor in a movie or TV show (preferably a movie). You chuckle and ask him what kind of movie, to which he replies “Something medieval, I think. I don’t care for the modern day stuff.”
Travel the country
Jerry continues to talk about his New Year’s resolution. At the same time Kevin, who hasn’t gone yet, suddenly interrupts to say that his resolution would be to travel the country with a motorcycle gang. No one really pays any attention to this statement, since it’s well known that Kevin can’t even drive a car, let alone a motorcycle. Everyone assumes that he’s just saying whatever pops into his head that sounds interesting. You consider asking Kevin to go into more detail, since it’s fun to hear the insane things he says sometimes, but he’s too far away so it’d be difficult to hear him.
Write the next great American novel
“I also have a New Year’s resolution,” a voice says from the shadows. Rising from the armchair in the corner, impeccably dressed, is Maxwell, Jerry’s next door neighbor. “Maxwell? How did you get in here? The doors are all locked.” Rather than respond to Jerry’s question, Duke Maxwell of Abenforth steps forward and, clearing his throat, speaks. “Ladies and gentleman,” he begins, “I have taken it upon myself to write the next great American novel. You have the great honor of witnessing history as I-” Before Maxwell can finish, Klaus, Jerry’s assistant, bursts into the room and escorts Maxwell off the property.
Start a successful YouTube channel
You calmly watch as Maxwell, loudly complaining of being treated in such an ill fashion, is ushered out of the sitting room. Just another day at Jerry’s house. The silence lasts for about 10 seconds, and then Pinky asks if she can say her New Year’s resolution. Jerry, somewhat distractedly, urges her to please do so. Since Pinky’s a little shy, she doesn’t leave the couch, but instead clears her throat and hesitantly says that she wants to start a successful YouTube channel. Some nods and small words of encouragement make up the responses to this resolution. “Well,” you think, “it’s not the craziest thing I’ve heard tonight.”
What is the worst New Year’s resolution you’ve ever heard? Did you call out the person as soon as they said it? Let me know in the comments below!
A new face on the writing scene, Josh VanAkker brings a breath of fresh air to the world of blogging. He enjoys working with new styles of writing, and has employed a good number of them in his many blog posts.