It happens, one moment you’re having the time of your life at the bar and BAM, you wake up next to a solid 3, with the hazy memory of you puking out of your Über’s window, asking your post-drunken self, “Did that really happen?” Here are some of the worst hookup stories in college people actually experienced. Thanks Tequila.
1. “Don’t call me daddy.”
So I was downtown and saw this sorority chick that I could tell had no standards. So at the end of the night, I made my move and she decided to come back with me. When we got back to my dorm we got to it and right when she got on top she called me daddy. I don’t really have a daddy fetish and it threw me off but I let it ago. A few minutes later she called me daddy again and I said “If you call me daddy again I’m kicking you out.” She laughed and said “Ok daddy!” Next thing you know, I kick her out and toss her clothes out into the hallway and that’s the last time I ever saw her.
2. “He whipped out the handcuffs.”
I was talking to this guy for a really long time and we hadn’t really experimented with anything so I decided one night that we would try hand cuffs. Everything was going good and we’re getting into it, so he whipped out the handcuffs and a blindfold (wasn’t expecting that). So I’m handcuffed to the bed with a blindfold on and things are getting really intense. Then all of a sudden, I break out of the hand cuffs and my hands come flying up and hit him square in the ears. Needless to say, I haven’t used handcuffs since because I’m terrified of what will happen the next time.
3. “Crammed in like a can of sardines.”
I don’t care much for random hookups but being in my graduating year of college, I decided to step out of my comfort zone for one night and give it a shot. I had a new roommate that year that just transferred so I thought it would be nice to take her out and show her the hot spots at our campus. So we get to the party and everyone is crammed in like a can of sardines, and the only lights are from people’s phones. Two guys approached us and asked us to dance. Then after some time, I get a text from my friend saying she needed a ride home ASAP. The guy I was dancing with wanted to come with me. I wanted to say no but I thought “What the hell.”
I pull him into the light just to check that I wasn’t taking home a mistake. Surprisingly, he was hot. So I go pick up my friend who was plastered, and she’s sitting in the back seat interrogating this guy. Turns out this kid was 18, just graduated from high school, and about to enter the Navy. Here I am thinking I’m bringing home a pre-pubescent boy who’s just old enough to buy himself a lottery ticket. I decided to get rid of him and started scheming ideas. I ended up bringing him home anyways and trying the “fake asleep” thing. Long story short, we end up hooking up which wasn’t half bad. After we were done, he started talking and wouldn’t shut up. So I decided to “pass out” to get him to leave me alone. A couple minutes later, I shit you not, he whispered in my ear, “I love you”. If I wasn’t stoned and glued to the bed, I would’ve jumped out my window head first. In the morning, I scrambled to get this kid home while he’s trying to convince me to let him stay and how he “wasn’t in a rush.” I lied and said I was spending the whole day in the library to cover my ass. I finally get Navy boy in the car and decide to drop him off the same place I found him. He wanted to say goodbye and take my number but the moment he left the car I sped off and didn’t look back.
4. “He was awake and heard everything.”
So I meet this girl at a social the first weekend of freshman year. We’re talking and whatever and she wants to go home with me but the social was opened and the girls have to leave together for some reason. So she leaves and is texting me saying she wants to come over. So I go back to my dorm to find my friend sitting outside my door plastered. He tells me that he dropped and accidentally kicked his room card under his door. I’m like “Dude I got a girl coming!” and he says he’ll sleep in the closet, so I throw him a pillow and he passes out with the door half shut and his legs sticking out. I assumed my roommate was asleep because it was dark and he was facing the wall so I have the girl come over. We hook up and the next day my roommate tells me that he was awake and heard the whole thing.
5. ” I had to do the walk of shame a mile back to my apartment in the city.”
So this one time I got way too intoxicated and ended up going home with this guy. After hooking up, I ended up passing out in his bed. I woke up the next morning butt ass naked, freezing and wet. I was so drunk I’d peed in his bed. I had to walk a mile home in the city obviously displaying the walk of shame. It was awful.
One time after a party, I decided to go home with this godly looking frat boy. We get to his house and things immediately start to get intense. He lasted maybe 2 minutes and then passed out on top of me. I had to shove him off so hard, he fell off the bed onto the floor and still didn’t wake up. I usually don’t do sleepovers but I was too drunk to even hop off the bed so I tried to make myself comfy. After about 20 minutes of trying to go to sleep, I wake up to him screaming “Alexa!” and I’m thinking “What in the fuck?”. He had the Amazon “Alexa” and asked her to “make scrambled eggs with bacon bitch.”
7. “I punched him straight in the nose.”
Went home with this GORGEOUS guy after a party one night. We hit it off right away. He was super hot, nice, funny, and was constantly talking about his family. We end up going back to his place and fucking. He begged to have sex without a condom and since I was drunk and also on the pill I stupidly agreed. The sex was amazing. Like, I’m talking, sweat pouring down our bodies, panting, hot, hot sex. Half way through, he starts talking about his brother’s kid and how he ended up getting a random hook-up pregnant and now they’re madly in love and how he can’t wait to be like his brother and be a great father. I straight punch this guy in the nose and get blood all over my chest. I ended up barely getting my bra on before running out of his dorm with just underwear on in front of his entire dorm lounge.
8. “He literally was fucking my thighs.”
I had just broken up with my dick of a boyfriend and needed a quick rebound. I instantly went to this guy that drooled over me all semester. He constantly talked his oral game up, so after going home together from a party, I asked him to demonstrate. He was awful, but I was nice and didn’t say anything negative. He ended up not being able to stay hard to finish. We tried again, and again, and again always with the same result. I got so fed up one night, I stormed out of his apartment and told him this was never going to happen again. A couple weeks later, I was plastered, and ended up texting him. I was pinned up against the backseat of his car with my legs in the air while he kept trying to find the holy grail. I was just about to help him out when he stopped and started going for it. He literally was fucking in-between my thighs and didn’t realize it. I was mortified. Ended up walking 2 miles back to my apartment while he drove 3 MPH besides me trying to convince me to get back in the car.
9. “I ran into his suite mates.”
Ended up going back home with a freshman after a frat party got busted. Had great sex with the guy and stayed up for hours talking for. I woke up the next morning and went to go to the bathroom in his dorm bathroom. He had a connected bathroom with another room. After coming out of the bathroom, I ran into his two other suite mates brushing their teeth. Turns out, I slept with 3/4 of his suite.
10. “She motioned to put her on the bathroom sink.”
During a party, I met this really cute chick. She was funny and sweet so I started making a move. After talking for a while, she pulled me into a bathroom and locked it. We started making out for a bit when she suddenly motioned for me to lift her onto the bathroom sink. Half-way through, I suddenly stop and get this feeling someone is watching us. I turn my head, and right next to me, is this huge window looking into the backyard with maybe 20 people staring into the window watching us. When they noticed me looking out, a huge cheer erupted. I was so worried about the girl being embarrassed and flipping out, but she just laughed and told me to move onto the floor.
11. “I was sobbing on the bathroom floor holding my ass.”
I was having sex with my boyfriend after class when he started getting really into it. He was going so fast and hard that he accidentally slipped out and went into the wrong hole. It honestly was so painful that I was sobbing on my bathroom floor holding my ass like a baby for 30 minutes. The next day, I took a picture and it was so swollen and bruised I thought it was for sure it was going to get infected. I had one of my nursing major friends look at it just to make sure I didn’t have a chance of getting an infection. Stroke game weak.
12. “I told people I’d gotten punched in the neck.”
I went down on this guy and decided to go straight for the balls to spice things up. As I was doing that, he came and didn’t notice because it was literally in less than ten seconds. I started going for his dick and he was like “Oh I already finished.” After I left, I realized he came in my hair and noticed my neck was covered in huge, dark hickies. They were so bad, I started telling people I got punched in the neck, and they actually believed it. So I ended up wearing a scarf the next day and had to sit with cum in my hair for the entire next day.
13. “They thought I was being abused.”
I was at a social one night and drank way too much. One of my close guy friends, that I’d drunkenly hooked up with a couple times, had a high school friend visit for the weekend. Long story short, the high school friend and I end up going back to my place and hooking up. Half way through, he stopped and said he didn’t know where the condom went. Me being too drunk to care, told him to keep going. I woke up the next morning with awful cramps. Went about my morning until I realized what happened last night. I looked everywhere for the condom until I realized it had to still be inside me.
Over an hour went by with five hysterical phone calls to my sister and me trying to frantically get it out. I ended up having to get my best friend drive me to the hospital to have it removed. As if my story doesn’t get any more embarrassing, an extremely attractive male doctor came in and went to remove it. He even laughed and held it up for me to see. After he removed it, he said he noticed huge bruises all up and down my legs and thighs and asked if I was being abused. I started laughing and tried to explain how I had fallen down a full flight of stairs two days ago when I was drunk. He didn’t believe me so he had a nurse come in and give me a counseling brochure and number. The worst part is, when I walked out to leave, they were all glaring at my best friend. They thought he was my boyfriend. Worst weekend ever.
14. “It burned so badly.”
One time, I went out to eat with my mom and old ex-boyfriend. He had food with old bay on it and didn’t wash his hands. Well, we went home after and he started fingering me. It burned so badly I had to run to the shower and hose myself down.
15. “I’ve never seen a female storm out so quickly.”
One night I saw this girl from one of my classes at a bar and started up a friendly conversation. Well that friendly conversation led to me bringing her back to my dorm, but my one roommate was passed out on the floor drunk and the other was up playing video games. With nowhere else to go, we ended up going to the dorm study room. We hook up and at the end, she gets on her knees. I’m passed the point of being sober and can barely focus on her face. I ended up finishing all in her eyes. I’ve never seen a female storm out so quickly with her eyes closed.