Whenever a couple has shower sex in movies, it always looks so sexy and sensual. One surprises the other, they laugh and then it’s right down to business. There’s no taps poking up things, no bottles falling all over the place, it’s always as if it’s the best sex they’ve ever had. Don’t get me wrong, if it’s done right then it most definitely can be! But sometimes, I just wish there was a more realistic portrayal. Here’s a list of issues with shower sex that the movies don’t show you.
1. It is always awkward trying to position yourself.
Whether it’s in the shower or the bath, couples in movies always seem to do it so effortlessly. In reality, it takes so much more effort. You have to awkwardly place yourself until you’re both comfortable. Manoeuvring around tap heads and shampoo bottles isn’t that romantic. Trying to find the right position always depends on the shower shape, the things placed around you and obviously personal preference. All are factors that the actors never seem too bothered about.
2. Squashed breasts is not comfortable or sexy.
Women always look so sexy in movies. They’re splayed up against the wall smiling all happy, enjoying the moment. No. It doesn’t always work that way. Having your boobs squashed up against the wall or wet hair flapping in your face during shower sex does not improve the moment. These are things the writers never include. I can see why, don’t want to ruin the mood and all, but a bit of realism wouldn’t go unappreciated.
3. The showers in the films are always bigger.
One obvious difference is the budget of the movie. Couples usually get huge, spacious showers that have so much room to move around. In reality, unless you’re lucky or in a luxurious hotel, our showers are not that size. They’re usually attached to a bath, full of bottles or baskets that can get thrown around, or just too bloody tiny. Sometimes there’s a shower curtain or movable glass wall too. These bastards are so awkward unless you like getting a heart attack as they move under your weight. Falling out of the shower isn’t exactly sexy.
4. If you surprise me, I will punch you.
Sometimes, one partner will sneak in and surprise the other, creating a cute moment that gets steamy quickly. Not likely. You surprise me at my most vulnerable, prepare to be hit.
5. Women don’t wear makeup in the shower.
Unlike the actresses who get professional makeup artists to create beautiful wet hair and makeup looks, real women don’t wear makeup in the shower. If they do, it’s only to wash it off immediately. It hurts when it gets into your eyes and makes you look like a panda. It doesn’t stay perfectly pristine or make you look gorgeous, it’s terrifying. If someone is wearing makeup during shower sex, they’ll only scare their partner with clown-like makeup by the end of it.
6. You shower for a reason.
Sometimes you just can’t be arsed to have shower sex. You want to just wash and go get ready for the day. You’re showering for a reason. Couples in movies seem happy to have sex before getting for work, but most people don’t wake up early enough to have the time. It may make it easier to clean up and wash off the sweat, but showers are to prepare yourself. Sometimes you just want to relax or even just get it over and done with.
7. No one can agree on the temperature choice.
Most couples end up just turning the temperature up or down behind their partners back. It’s very unlikely that you’ll both agree on the temperature instantly. One usually wants it boiling, one likes it cold. It ruins the mood.
8. It usually ends with you both getting out to finish.
Sometimes it can really get you in the mood but makes you so frustrated that you both just grab some towels and finish in the room next-door. Not a bad thing, but why not just start in that room in the first place?
9. Most showers are full of our bath shit.
So. Many. Products. You’ll spend the first five minutes trying to manoeuvre around the many bottles and sponges that are littering the bathroom. As stated earlier, movie budgets means that the showers are so big, the actors never reach the props for that to be a problem.
10. Usually ends with a laugh not a scream.
Unlike the amazing orgasms shown in the movies, you and your partner will just end up standing in the shower, awkwardly holding each other up laughing. Shower sex is a fun experience but takes some work to perfect.