Dating can be super fun, but can get awkward when you start to get more serious. At some point you have to sit down with your partner to address specific things. Here are 10 uncomfortable questions we all have to ask our partners at some point in our relationships.
1. Would you be able to live without me?
Your partner must believe they can. Although you’d hate imagining life without that special person, there’s a fine line between an unhealthy dependency and a mutual appreciation based on the freedom that comes from love. A partner who can hold a life of their own and remember that they are still their own individual can contribute so much more than a needy partner can to a growing relationship.
2. Where do our goals match in the future?
Wasting time bites. Especially when entire persons are involved. Invest only in a person who has the intention of timing major steps in life with you (like jobs, where they’re moving, etc) so that you two will be able to keep and further the relationship. Don’t waste love on someone who doesn’t value its purity enough to hold on to it.
3. How do your family and friends feel about me?
Family and friends are the behind-the-scenes people who exist outside of your relationship. But, they can quickly verge from invisible once they develop opinions about you, and voice how your presence affects someone they love. If they don’t like you, it may be because of a major incompatibility they can see that you can’t, and their judgement is therefore worth considering. After all, they aren’t looking onto the relationship wearing the rose colored glasses you and your significant other are, lending their argument validity. If they do like you, congratulations! Chances are, it’s clear you’re exerting a positive influence on to your partner.
4. Are you frugal or lavish?
Budgeting is important! In college, the majority of us barely have time to build savings. It’s important to be realistic with how much money you both can contribute to dates. If one of you excessively spends, it’ll eventually reduce the quality of the dates you go on. Also, if you have different spending habits, that can be a weary indicator of future problems if the relationship progresses enough to where you both share a joint account.
5. Is there something I’m not doing that bothers you?
Lack of action from a partner when there’s something the other partner needs is hurtful. Often times we don’t know what that is, even when we want to please the other person, because people typically avoid admitting needs. Show your partner how much you care for their happiness by asking them this, and acting on it.
6. What do you think is my greatest flaw?
You know what your own flaws are, and it’s wonderful to be with someone who can see them, too. When they’re patient and understanding of those flaws, and work with them, it’s a beautiful feeling of total acceptance. Reassurance is also imparted – this person truly knows you well. If, by surprise, your partner states something you hadn’t thought about before, it’s a good way to learn about yourself and consider new angles in how you approach life. Perhaps your dynamic isn’t what you thought it was, and has room for improvement.
7. Do you believe you have the freedom to still sleep with other people?
Sexual desire is a primal source of jealousy in most relationships. We want to protect what is ours, and nothing is more degrading than loss of a partner due to their incapability to control a physical urge. Both of you must be on the same page here in order to construct basic rules for what constitutes cheating, and to create boundaries through shared values.
8. Are there any friends of yours that you find attractive?
Don’t be the person who’s constantly analyzing the ‘motives’ behind every friendship your partner has. Accusations are draining, and jealousy eventually kills the relationship. It’s better to know upfront who your partner finds attractive so that you can stop wondering, and start trusting. True trust is knowing that there may be attraction, but that your partner would never hurt you by acting on that. These are some uncomfortable questions, but they are necessary.
9. What would we do if one of us got pregnant?
Bring a controversial topic in for a dose of reality. The taboo on pre-marital sex is long dead, but the consequences of an unintended pregnancy haven’t changed. Knowing how your partner would react to this can give you a better idea of what protective measures you both need to take to keep your sex life free of that burden. Even if you both feel now that you’d stick together and raise a child, there’s no saying minds will change. Furthermore, your partner’s take on methods like abortion and contraceptives should match yours, so no one is blamed later if pregnancy does occur. Hopefully these uncomfortable questions can help you find some clarity in your relationship.
10. Do you feel as if I’m holding you back from anything?
Love is freedom. At least it should be. It’s selfish to expect your partner to meet all of your needs and leave little time for them to fulfill their own. If your needs are placing limits on what your partner should be doing – like focusing on their career, for example – it may be time to re-evaluate the purpose of the relationship in general. Relationships should be places of understanding for the other person’s’ obligations, and because of that, freeing them from the relationship if need be. It’s wonderful if two people are not holding each other back, and can therefore love each other fully and deeply. It’s difficult work, but possible with the right person, in the right circumstances. Don’t let these uncomfortable questions hold you back from finding the right person!