{"id":150042,"date":"2025-03-18T21:30:08","date_gmt":"2025-03-18T21:30:08","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.society19.com\/uk\/?p=150042"},"modified":"2025-03-18T21:30:08","modified_gmt":"2025-03-18T21:30:08","slug":"what-exercising-is-like-for-someone-with-body-dysmorphia","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.society19.com\/uk\/what-exercising-is-like-for-someone-with-body-dysmorphia\/","title":{"rendered":"What Exercising Is Like For Someone With Body Dysmorphia"},"content":{"rendered":"

The weird thing about body dysmorphia is that even the person who has BDD<\/a> isn\u2019t even sure themselves if they really have it.<\/p>\n

Sounds confusing? That\u2019s because it is.<\/p>\n

I have body dysmorphia, but because of my complete and utter disconnection with my body image, I never truly know what my body actually looks like. On the one side, I have friends telling me, \u201cI wish I was as slim as you\u201d, \u201cyou have a great figure\u201d, or even \u201cyou\u2019re so skinny \u2013 but good skinny.\u201d On the other side, is my reflection that I\u2019m constantly checking in every reflective surface I walk past just to confirm that, yep, I\u2019m still an ugly, awkward, wobbly mess.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m 5\u20198\u201d, and according to my scales \u2013 which I step on multiple times a week \u2013 I\u2019m 9 stone 4. I\u2019m a healthy size. Yet despite the numbers, which don\u2019t lie, I don\u2019t believe it. I can\u2019t trust it. Because my body is flawed in every and all ways, my self-worth is non-existent. Any positive trait I possess, that I\u2019m a good friend, that I\u2019m a hard-worker or that I\u2019m funny, is cancelled out by how I look. Or rather, how I don\u2019t look. The constant confusion and fear over what I really look like, in real life, is just as debilitating as the self-loathing.<\/p>\n

\n

I\u2019m not in denial either \u2013 I know that I have an issue.<\/h2>\n

I\u2019m aware that no girl is totally content with her body image. I live with 4 girls, most of my friends are girls \u2013 I can\u2019t count the amount of times I\u2019ve heard them complain that, \u201curgh, I\u2019m SO fat\u201d when of course, they\u2019re not.<\/p>\n

I hate how saying \u201cI have body dysmorphia\u201d makes me sound like I\u2019m trying to be a fucking victim. But I also hate how much I\u2019m aware that my relationship with my body is far from normal. Whilst my flatmates and my friends will still get dressed up and go on a night out after complaining about their fatness over a pizza earlier that day, my body controls my day. When I\u2019m feeling especially ugly and enormous, I will let friends down. I\u2019ll make excuses, and I\u2019ll cancel. Once I\u2019ve had one \u201cbad\u201d snack, I know the rest of the day is a write-off of over-eating and self-hatred. Putting makeup on and squeezing into a dress for a night on the town? No chance.<\/p>\n

The same goes for exercising. If I\u2019m feeling really low, or eaten bad, I won\u2019t go out an exercise because what\u2019s the point? No amount of cardio is going to undo all the mistakes my lack of self-control and failure have just made. That said, recently I\u2019ve been trying to make more of an effort to change my relationship with exercise.<\/p>\n

That\u2019s where exercise comes into the equation.<\/h2>\n

Everyone knows the benefits exercise has on mental health and self-esteem. From the gruelling 10k\u2019s I run every-so-often, I know I feel better after some exercise. But in my increasingly busy and stressful life, it\u2019s hardly feasible to squeeze in a 10k every day like I was last summer. That\u2019s why I\u2019m trying to exercise at the gym as often as I can.
\nWhilst I knew finding \u2013 and maintaining \u2013 the motivation to go on my days off was something to anticipate, there\u2019s a whole bunch of other things I hadn\u2019t thought about that are all thanks to my low self-esteem that aren\u2019t just limited to being self-conscious in gym-wear.<\/p>\n

Not that that isn\u2019t an issue. When I first started out exercising at the gym, I went with my flatmate, a girl who was well-versed in exercising for fitness (not punishment). She was an athlete, having spent most of her school career playing for every sports team at her school. Unsurprisingly, she has an amazing body, but having lived with her for months, I\u2019d come to accept the inadequacy I feel when I\u2019m around her.<\/p>\n

As we planned our session, we got on to the topic of gym-wear, and I remarked how when I\u2019m on the treadmill I often end up taking my top off and running in my sports bra. To that, she remarked how she \u201cwould never go to the gym in just a sports bra\u201d and how she preferred oversized t-shirts and leggings. Whilst rationally, I know this wasn\u2019t a criticism at me, I immediately felt disgusted at myself for having the audacity to take my top off in a public setting. If she didn\u2019t do it, with her washboard abs and toned d\u00e9colletage, how dare I? Ever since then, I\u2019ve always worn tops at the gym, regardless of how hot and sweaty I get. I know it\u2019s stupid \u2013 what you wear is a matter of personal preference, it\u2019s not all about vanity \u2013 but I can\u2019t break the habit.<\/p>\n

\n

Mirrors everywhere<\/em>.<\/h2>\n

The thing about the gym is that there are mirrors, everywhere. When it comes to mirrors, I\u2019m either staring at my reflection to scrutinise every single flaw on my body, or I haven\u2019t got the courage to face it at all.<\/p>\n

I know the mirrors at the gym aren\u2019t only there for gym selfies. I know they have an important purpose revolving around checking and maintaining the correct form of an exercise to avoid injuring yourself. But that\u2019s not what I\u2019ll use them for, especially when I\u2019m wearing skin tight leggings.<\/p>\n

But I won\u2019t just be looking at myself. My exercise will be disrupted as I stare at the other people in the gym, the stronger, fitter, more attractive patrons around me, who I\u2019ll compare my body to regardless of age or gender. Even the 60-yo overweight lady on the elliptical has better legs than me.<\/p>\n

Feeling disconnected with your body.<\/h2>\n

When it comes to form in exercise, it\u2019s not just about the mirrors. I once ventured into the notoriously male-dominated weights room with some girls I was close to so they could show me how to do a barbell squat.<\/p>\n

Once they had helped me get the bar on my shoulders, they instructed me to \u201cengage my core.\u201d I nervously laughed that I had no idea what that meant, and they just sort of looked at each other as they struggled to find a way to explain it. One offered \u201ctighten your abs\u201d as an alternative, but I don\u2019t have abs. I only have flab. How do I tighten fat?<\/p>\n

In the end I just ended up sucking in my stomach in an attempt to engage something, but if it wasn\u2019t the fact that my back ached more than anything else post-exercise indicated I was doing something wrong, it was that I realised I had no idea how to use any part of my body because I am so disconnected with it. I have literally know comprehension of how I my body should feel when I exercise because I\u2019m too preoccupied with what\u2019s going on inside my head.<\/p>\n

I plan on sticking with the exercise anyway. I\u2019m craving for the mental respite everyone raves about as much as the unlikely prospect that my physical body might change into a shape that is anything less repulsive than this. Evidently, there\u2019s still things to work on.<\/p>\n

\n

If you feel that your negative body image is taking over your life, please seek help. Speak to your GP, a loved one, or if you\u2019d prefer some more anonymous advice, consider the advice of Anxiety UK, the International OCD Foundation, Mind or Beat charities.<\/h3>\n

Featured image source: https:\/\/www.elitedaily.com\/life\/body-dysmorphia\/1384421<\/h6>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The weird thing about body dysmorphia is that even the person who has BDD isn\u2019t even sure themselves if they really have it. Sounds confusing? That\u2019s because it is. I have body dysmorphia, but because of my complete and utter disconnection with my body image, I never truly know what my body actually looks like.…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":25685,"featured_media":150043,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":true,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1808,1],"tags":[],"thb-sponsors":[],"class_list":["post-150042","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-health","category-uncategorized"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nWhat Exercising Is Like For Someone With Body Dysmorphia - Society19 UK<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Exercise and body dysmorphia cooperate together about as well as a dysfunctional couple. 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