WARNING: Dark/satirical humour. It’s a joke, nothing more.
Let’s admit it, the Uni has taken the last of your lunch money, nicked your wallet, and just to rub salt in the wound, invested it in the “boys do cry week” — to your utter dismay.
But to hark back to those good olden days, “fun” came in the most basic of packages, but not quite as basic as the average girl at BOP; Conker tournaments, an innocent spelling bee, a fun run, all very heartwarming.
But it is 2017, times have changed since those hazy simple days.
The truth is, in Winchester, the student must hustle to stay afloat, forget the soulless smile of Harry Sampson during your introduction day, the truth is grim.
Become a humble bath salts salesman.
Doesn’t that sound profitable? Perhaps not at first sight, but for some reason, bath salts are quite popular with students. How strange, considering Uni halls don’t have baths…
Get free food from the Christian Union.
Head over to the Uni chapel and shamelessly take advantage of the free cookies and coffee/tea. The Christian chicks will cook food for you too, all for pretending to love Jesus. It’s a miracle!
Become a tramp.
Tramps aplenty at the Uni, so why not join the in-crowd? Lower you standards so anything goes, go on dates and get the bloke to buy your drink and food then dump the sorry fellow a few months (or years) down the line, maybe even marry him and get the 50/50, do it for a giggle.
Stare conscientiously into the fountain-pond thing and hold back the urge to end it.
It’s almost as if the Uni knew we would become contemplative of such thoughts when they took all our money. I’m glad they invested in such calming features to stave off the burgeoning suicide rates, how thoughtful of them.
Start a cake sale for Cancer Research.
But then take the money for yourself! Show some pics of cancer patients for added effect, maybe even bring one down from the local hospital to groan, sob and sheepishly hold an inflamed testicle. Just remember to lobotomise the part of your brain that processes empathy for this to work.
Also remember to guilt-trip passers-by and position yourself right in the centre of the Uni where everybody walks to lectures for maximum effect. Most of the Uni charities operate like this anyway!
Shake that money box, girl.
Become one of those mind-numbing YouTube vloggers.
Hopefully you’ll make it big and make some dosh. Things to include: Click bait, loads of jump cuts, wallowing in self-pity, fake smiles/laughter, plenty of makeup to mask your chronic fatigue and self-harm, show a bit of cleavage too, no, a lot.
Also, remember to eagerly show off your slum, ahem, Uni accommodation which you’ve made even worse with LED Christmas lights and posters of basic bands.
If you do all this, you’ll definitely go viral.
Steal food in halls.
Be that guy who stole the last of the milk from the fridge, it’s a legendary claim to fame.
Manage your finances.
The most sober installment of this blog, but honestly, get your shit together.