Ahh the good old one night stand. Whatever your reason, everyone does it. No we’re not talking about a lovely bedside table stand you get from a furniture store. We’re talking about the birds and bees with a complete stranger who you’ll probably never see again until that super awkward moment that you do. But how do they happen? Do people just wake up one morning and think “I’m gonna bone a total random tonight with no intention of seeing them again”? Heck ya! But what happens in between? Here are the probable 20 stages of a one night stand…
1. The full body and room preparation
So we’ve established that you’re getting laid tonight so you need to prepare and we mean EVERYTHING. In the shower you get your body ready using that amazing new body scrub and you make sure that Sasquatch hasn’t been spotted down under. In your room you make sure it’s clean – definitely get rid of that take-out box that’s been sitting there since first semester and maybe shove that massive pile of laundry deeper into your closet.
2. Squad assemble
You send out a mass text to get a crew going to go downtown. Or maybe all you need is one “party” or “turn up” gif sent to the group chat. Either way tonight you need your key wingman.
3. Picking your outfit like the night depends on it
Dear god stay away from any rompers or full body suits. You need something that can easily be thrown off when you get in so you can get it in. Classy but also a little floozy. You have absolutely nothing to wear so you keep digging. Obviously, the tight black dress with the low back and heels.
4. The slightly more regrettable pre
Where’s the vodka? Shots! Your only goal is to get drunk enough to make bad decisions but not so drunk that they are truly bad decisions. You turn up the whole pre just up until the cabs come.
5. At the club, instantly scoping out the dance floor
You get in and are dancing a little off to the side from the DJ with your crew but also scanning the room to check out the scene. It’s awful. Is everyone here a five? There’s no hope for later tonight.
6. Spotting the potential
There he is. You lock eyes just for a second and quickly look away. Bingo. You get your group to move slightly closer to him and you start dancing a little more promiscuously as if Nicki would be proud.
7. Wooing the prospect
Now you’re dancing with him, are you even a good dancer? Who cares! All you know is you know you’re not drunk enough for this. Time to get another drink at the bar, but you’re prepared because you also definitely brought a flask.
8. Locking it in
You’ve been flirting like mad and maybe getting a little playful but it’s time to head home. You lean in asking “Wanna get outta here?” Obvi. In the cab you may be getting a little too touchy.
9. The mission getting to your bed
Where are your keys and why is it so much harder unlocking the door after a night out? You get in and forget your roommates probably have something in the morning so you sneak into your room as if it’s your parents house.
11. The lights on realization
You’re showing him around your room a little bit with the lights on. Wow did he look like that at the club? You’re certain he was a thousand times better looking. Maybe lights off is better…
12. It’s getting’ hot in here…
Things are getting pretty steamy, and you’re getting a little too excited. There’s a fifty-fifty chance the guy you chose is either a horrible kisser or above decent but it’s going well.
12. The inconvenience of never being able to find rubbers when you need them
You swear you had a box tucked away from your last fornication somewhere. Two options: ask your roommates or send him to the nearest corner store. Last chance to look probably in the bottom drawer – there it is!
13. The Woohoo
You slip under the sheets and get to know this stranger’s body a little too well…
14. The triumphant realization you’re not the one who has to do the walk of shame
You wake up and roll over thinking you just had a fun night out with your friends and oh my gosh someone is in your bed. You make yourself a little presentable first before stirring him a little bit to wake up. What was his name? John? Jake? Let’s just say hey for now.
15. Dropping hints for him to leave
He’s completely overstayed his welcome. Does he want to get breakfast or something? It’s 1:57pm. Nope. Time to leave. You hint that you had some group project to work on and you had to get ready or that you had plans all of a sudden you forgot about.
16. The regret stage
He leaves and you instantly fall back asleep and wake up hours later thinking about the night you just had. Was it good? Obvi, it was exciting. You look around the room and your clothes are thrown all over the room. How did he find his clothes so easily?
17. The realization of where you did the nasty
You shoot out of your bed realizing what you’re laying in and work towards changing the sheets first. You realize he’s graciously left the condom on your floor like a Neanderthal. Bleh, don’t touch it, you’ll get back to it with a gloved 12-foot pole.
18. The post conference with your girls reporting every detail
After your complete wipe down of anything you guys could have made out on or canoodled on you look at your phone and realize you have 8 missed calls and the group chat is derailed. Jesus you’re alive you were just a little busy. You meet up with your squad later and tell them every inch of your night.
19. Seeing him again with no acknowledgment allowed
You think you’ll have a nice uninterrupted day going but there he is, maybe in the library or across the lecture hall but that’s definitely him. Do you say hi? Definite no. Maybe you should text him? What did you save his name under? “Tall red plaid guy” or “Guy who only drinks PBR”?
20. Doing it all over again with a new prospect
You’re ready and on to bigger and better things just playing the field, but it’s time to live your life and have fun.