Ever experienced the walk of shame? It’s not so bad. In fact why is it called ‘shameful?’ You’ve made a smooth exit and you’re heading home, without a trace from the night before (besides scuffed heels and a cheeky hicky). And hey, if thats easy enough, why no get a coffee on the way home (provided hair and makeup is it intact.)
BUT! Let’s say you’re visiting your parents. Or maybe you’ve moved back home temporarily. This does not mean you have to stop having fun. But, given that you’re under your parents roof, a few adjustments must be made. The walk of shame is no longer so simple. It becomes a little overcrowded. To be clear, your goal is to arrive home – undetected. As far as your parents are concerned, you’ve been home all along. The first thing they’ll do in the morning, is check that their child is tucked in bed, safe and sound. Not desperately ordering an Uber at 6.30am!
True, not all parents are like this. You might get a high five, fresh OJ and box of condoms. That said, unless your parents are cool with you having a sexy night life, I’ve got some tips that may help.
You can trust me. I speak with experience.
Tip one: Morning sunshine
Rise and shine. There’s no time to sleep in. Are your parents early birds who rise with the sun? You must get home before the sun rises. Understandably, you were too… busy… to set an alarm (bit of a mood killer.) There are only two ways you can get home before your parents get up. You can skip the sleep over, sorry no spooning for you. OR. You head home as soon as you wake up. You’ll be in a hurry so it won’t be a graceful exit. Be sure not to leave anything behind. What’s more awkward, being caught by your parents or having to return to your ‘friends’ place to collect your wallet?
Tip two: Story Time
So. Let’s say all has worked out. Whether you’ve spent the night or not. You’ve managed to get into your house undetected and shimmied into bed (let’s be real, you’ve got those post-sex endorphins.) It’s still important to have a story up your sleeve. Your parents will want to know about your night. So to avoid the risk of acting suspicious, your secret mid-night fun will be safe if you are prepared (after all, safe sex is essential!)
Tip three: Your alibi
I feel like all of this planning is taking the fun out of a good old fashioned one night stand. Nothing like a bit of sexy spontaneity. However, if you know feel there’s a chance you may not come home, set up an ‘alibi.’ This is where the best of the best friends are helpful. Ask a friend to cover for you. You may get carried away, have an amazing night but wake up to ten missed calls from your parents. Now I’m trying to condone lying… but these are tips for surviving, and sometimes you’ve gotta do what you’ve gotta do. If your parents meet you at the door with disappointed expressions, a billion questions and three police cars pared out front, simply say that you crashed at your besties house.
If this doesn’t sit right with you, be one step ahead. Before you leave for the party, the bar, the club or wherever you go thats gonna lead you to a one night stand, casually suggest to your parents that you may sleep over at your besties house. After all, you don’t want to disturb them. It’s all about respect and trust. They will love you for this. You’re being a kind and responsible child. Aw little do they know.
So there we have it. Just a few tips on surviving the walk of shame at your parents house. From my heart to yours. Go out and have fun. Remember there’s absolutely no shame. You’re a survivor!