There aren’t many worse feelings than letting yourself fall for a guy, then later regretting your decision to sleep with him. While I am in full support of female sexual freedom, there are some questions you should ask yourself before closing the deal. Sex should be a fun and comfortable experience for both of you, so do yourself a favor and give yourself the best chance at having a good time.
Here are 10 things you should find out about your partner before you sleep with him for the first time.
1. Does He Respect You?
One of the major lessons that I’ve learned in my 20s is that respect is more important than attention. I used to think that if guys were trying to sleep with me, they liked me and were validating me. Boy, was I wrong.
I have heard my male friends say awful things about the girls that they sleep with, degrading them and reducing them to just a body. No woman deserves that, and it’s important to know that a guy values you as a person in addition to being attracted to you. Respect is also a huge factor when it comes to staying in control of your body, because a man who respects you will actually hear you when you say no. Anyone who sees you as an easy target or as just somewhere to stick it doesn’t deserve to be anywhere near you, let alone inside you.
2. Does He Practice Safe Sex?
A good indicator is if he initiates wearing a condom when things begin heating up. If he doesn’t bring it up with you, you can bet he’s not bringing it up with other women. Sexual health takes precedence to sexual satisfaction, so pump the brakes if he seems unconcerned with safety.
It can be (surprisingly) easy to get lost in the moment and glaze over that step from time to time. If you find yourself waking up the next morning in a groggy hangover, wondering if he used protection, ask. Don’t put yourself on the back burner. Furthermore, if you ask him to use a condom and he insists that he doesn’t want to, do not sleep with him. Put your pants on and walk away.
3. Are You Both On The Same Page About Your Relationship?
Sex changes the nature of a relationship. It is important that you both know what to expect before hearts and feelings get hurt, when doing it means something different to each party. Be self-aware when it comes to what kind of relationship you guys actually have.
A rule of thumb is that when a dude tells you he wants to sleep with you but keep your relationship casual, he means it. We sometimes convince ourselves that we are comfortable with casual, but deep down, we’re hoping he comes around to commitment. You cannot change who a man is, no matter how good the sex is. If you want more out of the relationship than he does, sleeping with him will likely push you deeper into your feelings while he’s just along for the ride (literally).
Protect your heart and know what it is that you want, and don’t settle for anything less than that.
4. Is He Actually Single?
Wouldn’t it be nice if people were always upfront and honest when they claim to be available? It should be implied that when a guy wants you to sleep with him, he is not in a relationship with someone else. Unfortunately, some people suck and act very much single when they’re very much not. It’s never a pleasant surprise to have a night of mind-blowing sex and then roll over to see a picture of your partner and his wife on the nightstand.
No judgement on how you move forward once you determine his status, but at least have all the facts. If someone is putting their body parts into your body parts, you should have an accurate idea of who he is. Be a smart girl and do your research.
5. Do You Genuinely Want This?
You should be having sex because you want to, not because someone is making you feel like you should or like you owe it to them. Trust your gut instinct, and if the decision to have sex feels like something you’re being coerced into, then it’s not an autonomous decision.
Exercise your right to walk away at any given moment. If you’ve already gone home with him and then change your mind, tell him. Don’t force yourself to put his needs before your own. Sex will be much more enjoyable when you’re both equally ready for it.
But in the event that you have decided that you totally do want this, then it’s time to give in to what your body is telling you. Have fun, girl.
6. Will He Make It Awkward Afterwards?
You might not have to worry about this if you’re pursuing a casual hookup with someone you met during a night out. But if you and a coworker go home together after one too many cocktails at the company party, grant yourself a moment of clarity outside of the bedroom. If it’s a usually platonic guy from your core friend group, think about the implications moving forward. Imagine the aftermath before you do the deed.
If your instinct is that this guy will ignore you and make you feel bad about yourself after you cross those boundaries, you probably shouldn’t sleep with him. No night of passion is worth sacrificing your self esteem or making you squirm in environments that you previously felt comfortable in. However, if you feel like you know this person well enough and you two will be able to move forward without a hitch, then bang on, my friend.
7. Do You Know His Full Name?
Some women are very turned on by having sex with a stranger. In theory, this no-strings-attached fantasy is a great way to pursue orgasms without having to deal with any messy emotional retribution. However, to protect yourself, you should try to be a bit more practical.
There are always risks involved when you have sex, like pregnancy or STDs. You want to be able to contact this person again, should anything go awry. If you find yourself in a sticky situation after you sleep with him, the option to at least involve the guy should help you feel a little more in control.
Another possibility is that a suitor gets aggressive or abusive with you. You’ll need some sort of contact information if you want to report him to the authorities and proceed with prosecution.
8. How Is His Personal Hygiene?
Did you know that bacterial infections can cultivate on private parts, if not washed properly? And those infections are just as transmittable as chlamydia or gonorrhea. Save yourself the trouble of dealing with a cringe-worthy gynecologist appointment and don’t sleep with the guy who only showers once a week.
A dirty man usually equals a dirty penis. Personal hygiene says a lot about a person in general, but it becomes your concern when that person wants to enter you. Take pride in what goes on in your pants, and be with someone who matches your sense of cleanliness.
9. How Far Under The Influence Is He?
The one awkward situation I have not learned how to adapt to is lying next to a man who just cannot get it up because a night of partying has gotten the best of him. It makes me want to disappear quicker than the Avengers when Thanos got the final infinity stone.
There are two parts to this undesirable scenario. The first is that he’s most likely embarrassed and you have to lie and reassure him that it’s totally fine and you don’t mind at all. The second is that, even though he’s clearly just too intoxicated, a little voice in the back of your head thinks it’s because you did something wrong.
Avoid the agony and do your best to assess if a guy has chugged too many Bud Lights for a successful hookup before you get too excited to sleep with him.
10. How Big Is His Mouth?
This is usually a question from the men to the ladies, but before you sleep with him, you’ll want to consider who he’ll be sharing your sex story with. A mature man won’t disclose the dirty details to all of his friends, but a childish dude will spill everything from the color of your underwear to the quality of your foreplay.
It may be none of your concern if you never plan on seeing this guy again anyways, but if you share a mutual circle, proceed with caution. You deserve to get laid without the fear that your fetishes will be the topic of discussion at the next boys’ night out.