Ask anyone (whom you feel comfortable enough with) about their first time having sex. I guarantee the majority of people you talk with will immediately laugh or shake their head in a “you can only imagine” sort of way. This is because the first time having sex (for most) is as monumental in one’s life as it is repressive. That being said, it is a part of life. So whether you are 15 or 50, there are certain things everyone can almost certainly expect for their first time having sex.
1. Awkwardness. You should expect awkwardness.
Your first time having sex will undoubtedly be one of the most awkward occurrences of your life. Nope, it doesn’t matter if the lights are on or off. It doesn’t matter if you’re a spring chicken or a well-seasoned adult. It doesn’t matter if you have six-pack abs or a keg belly. It doesn’t even matter if you happen to feel really comfortable with your partner (although this is ideal). The fact of the matter is, if it is your first time having sex and you are even slightly sober, it will be awkward. Rest assured, it takes two to tango and you won’t be the only one feeling this way.
Pro Tip: Try laughing it off right off the bat the second you feel start to feel awkward. Laughter cures all, and it will ease your frantic mind (as well as your partner’s).
2. There will probably be less foreplay involved than is recommended.
Would you ever pound the pavement for a 6-mile jog without stretching first? I would hope not. The same goes with sex. Especially the first time having sex. Your body is literally about to experience something it never has before. You only owe it to yourself to adequately prepare your body before you give it up. If you’re like me and your first time having sex was pathetically mapped out during a small window of opportunity when the rentals were out, you might not be as inclined to take your sweet ass time. But do the best you can.
Pro Tip: You don’t have to go crazy with foreplay. It’s not some foreign concept that you need to read up on at the library to master. Just do whatever it was you did before you decided to have sex for the first time, before you actually “do it”.
3. You will become turned off for a couple minutes or so while trying to put on the condom.
It all seemed so simple in high school health class! But maybe you were laughing too hard from the embarrassment that you actually forgot what the teacher was saying as she was holding a banana.
Whether it is you or your partner who has to wear it, the other will try to help as well when they see the other fumbling with the small slimy balloon. Of course, this just makes things more complicated. The condom will either be too small or too big, too slippery or too dry, or it could just tear immediately. Womp womp womp.
Pro Tip: Roll the condom on instead of unraveling it before wearing it. It’s packaged this way for a reason. (Just thought you could use the reminder since you probably blacked out in health class.)
Pro Tip #2: If you aren’t already on some type of birth control yourself, I would definitely look into it. You shouldn’t feel ashamed of asking for birth control because this is the more responsible action to take. Just because you’re not on birth control doesn’t mean you will not have sex ever again. Better safe than sorry.
Pro Tip #3: If you don’t feel comfortable asking either one of your parents about birth control, talk to someone whom you can confide in. Although doctor-patient confidentiality only exists after someone is over 18 and is no longer considered a minor, doctors are usually pretty helpful in this situation.
Pro Tip #4: The KY condoms that are labeled as “For His Pleasure” and “For Her Pleasure” are quite possibly the dumbest things ever invented.
4. There is a good chance you will be too scared to look.
OK, maybe the rest of you aren’t as much of a baby as I am, and I am sure this is different for most people… But as soon as the pants were unzipped and I knew it was all “really happening”, it was as if I was stuck in the middle seat of a crowded movie theater and couldn’t escape the scary part on the screen. I honestly think I actually covered my eyes.
Pro Tip: It’s not abnormal to be scared by what you see. In fact, as lame as it may sound, it’s not always a weird thing to just turn off the lights. Turning off the lights, especially for the first time, really helps eliminate all the background distractions. If you aren’t so focused on what everything, um…looks like down there, you can simply focus on instinctual feeling, and you and your partner may both be better off.
5. You won’t know whether or not to play music, have a conversation, or proceed in silence.
Cringing just remembering this feeling. Not sure what is more uncomfortable, fumbling around for a “sex” playlist or discussing the weather while you’re on your back. Surely absolute silence isn’t going to be any better than either of those. I guess when it all comes down to it, music is the least awkward option because it drowns out any possible noises that you would rather others not overhear.
Pro Tip: Playing a movie in the background might seem like a brilliant idea, especially if you are in the process of an intense Netflix & Chill. Just be careful as to which movie is playing in the background. All it takes is one awkward line or instance in the background to seriously ruin the mood.
Pro Tip #2: If you do, in fact, have a “sex” playlist, make sure you delete it before giving your old iPod to your Dad.
6. You will most likely, definitely, feel some pain.
Unless you are of the very fortunate few who don’t, many women will experience pain during their initial intercourse experience. This is perfectly normal. Your body just isn’t used to it! The key here is communication. Don’t ever be afraid to ask your partner to change their speed if the pain is too much for you to take.
Pro Tip: Try as best you can to relax your body and calm your mind. Your body will naturally tense up at this time, but if you relax your body your muscles will instinctually relax as well, causing less friction and pain. It is just as important to calm your mind as well, since your thoughts control your body.
7. You will try a few different positions initially, but will probably just end up right back in missionary.
Good ole’ missionary style. You will try to act like a pro and attempt all of the crazy moves you see in movies, to no avail. You will move one way, and your partner will move the other, and before you know it there will be limbs all over the place like the most awkward Twister game you’ve ever played. You’ll get an elbow in the eye and send a knee straight to the gut. Ultimately both of you will flop back down in the traditional military style and pretend the past few minutes did not just happen.
8. There can be blood, and you will both pretend not to notice.
Although there is a chance that you may not bleed, most women experience the loss of blood during their first time having sex. It should just be an obvious spotting, but if it looks anything like a World War II massacre, this is not a good sign and you should call a doctor. However, the presence of blood is completely normal and not something that should freak you out. It simply indicates that the hymen has broken.
Pro Tip: If you want to take the extra precautions to not ruin any sheets or your favorite duvet, lay down an old blanket or even a beach towel that you don’t mind running through the washing machine a couple times.
9. You will think you’re so cool and mature afterward, that you will immediately tell your besties.
Chances are you will think pretty highly of yourself after the deed is done. After all, this was a huge turning point in your life. You’ll want to tell everyone, and want to tell no one all at the same time. But you’re definitely not going to keep this story from your besties. Chances are they already knew today was “the day” and are waiting by their phones for a play-by-play.
Pro Tip: Wait until you are away from your partner to talk to your friends. C’mon, be polite.
10. You will waddle instead of walk for the next day or two.
Seriously, this may happen. Again, this is perfectly normal. OK- you will be able to walk, it’s not like you will need a wheelchair or anything (that would not be healthy). But, you will most likely waddle a bit. After all, your body is still wondering WTF and trying to recuperate from what it just went through.
Pro Tip: Just take it easy for the next few days. Pay attention to how you’re feeling and don’t ignore any random mystery pains you may feel. Take a nice, relaxing bath and try to keep your mind off it; chances are you are perfectly fine.
11. You will automatically assume you MUST be pregnant.
Now that you are acutely aware of every single twinge of pain you may (or may not) actually feel, your mind starts to race as you immediately presume the worst. You ask your older sister or friend to buy you a pregnancy test and try not to let your imagination get the best of you as pee on a stick with zero finesse. After quite possibly the longest 3 minutes of your life, you breathe a sigh of relief as you realize the test is negative.
Pro Tip: Although it is, of course, possible, the chances of becoming pregnant during your first time having sex is extremely rare. If you aren’t using a condom and are not on birth control, for the love of mini pizza bagels do NOT let your partner finish inside of you!
Last few words of advice:
Wait until you are ready. Seriously!
This isn’t a race. I can’t tell you how many of my friends (including myself if I am remembering correctly) rushed to lose their virginity just because all their friends had and they didn’t want to feel left out. You have all your life to learn the motion of the ocean, and your time will come whenever you feel ready. Make sure whoever you are romantically involved with isn’t a huge fuck boi. You’re not about to let just anyone swipe your v-card.
There is nothing wrong with entering college as a virgin.
You should definitely not be scared to enter college as a virgin. Forget about all of the movies you’ve watched where the main character is terrified to arrive at school as a virgin and therefore embarks on a quest to sleep with as many people as possible. Plenty of my (perfectly normal) friends were still virgins when they came to college, and guess what: no one cared. If someone ever makes fun of you for being a virgin in college, say adios muchacho. Chances are they are extremely insecure with themselves and are the type of person to drop a half-full beer to the floor while shotgunning with friends.
Invest in some lube.
Is there any word in the English dictionary worse than lube? Maybe moist. And ironically, that’s what the key is here: to make sure you and your partner are as “moist” as possible for your first time having sex. Sorry, I don’t mean to make anyone reading this cringe, but it’s true. If everything down there is properly lubricated the way biology intended it to be, it will make your experience a hell of a lot easier and more pleasant. You don’t have to purchase anything fancy, usually the simpler the better to start off with since you may not know what your body is sensitive to.
This is a very exciting time in your life, make sure you experience it in whatever way is right for you, personally.