I’m not one to lean into stereotypes or encourage them, and I will be outraged if you suggest I’m fulfilling one, but to be fair, some stereotypes are just a little too on the nose to be completely false. When it comes to being Jewish, I’ve been hit with many stereotypes throughout the years and the same when it comes to being a woman. Somehow the cross-section of the two has been a hot topic of discussion in popular culture recently, as well as what it means to date a Jewish girl- especially if you aren’t Jewish.
Apparently there’s a lot to consider, so I sat down and made a list of all the things I feel you should be prepared for if you endeavor to have a relationship with one of us. It is based solely on my own experience in relationships, what partners have told me about my qualities and their relation to Jewish culture and all of John Mulaney’s stand up specials.
1. Be prepared for constant conversation.
We love to talk and ask questions. Questions during movies, long car rides and sex. We’ll talk through meals (and we’ll still finish before you) and all night (especially if you give us coffee, beware).
2. If you know someone who’s Jewish, we probably know them and if we don’t we’ll be mad about it.
3. You’ll always be jealous of the one guy we talk about from camp.
He’ll always be the nice Jewish boy that got away, don’t fight it.
4. There’s a 50% chance your kids will get our original nose.
5. We give a lot of backhanded compliments, usually on purpose but sometimes unknowingly.
6. We definitely know how to cook and that might be the best part.
Our matzah ball soup or our mother’s is always better, don’t question it.
7. Prepare yourself for the disappointment from our family when they find out you’re not Jewish.
But, don’t worry, they will quickly move on and start educating you on all things Judaism.
8. If you’re going to ask us if we’re hungry, just don’t.
Assume we are. Definitely important to know before you date a Jewish girl.
9. There’s a silver Star of David or blue opal Hamsa necklace hidden somewhere in our room at home.
We just don’t know where it is anymore.
10. We might use words you don’t understand, it’s probably yiddish and you’ve probably heard them before on Seinfeld.
11. We, no doubt, went on Birthright and had a romance with an Israeli soldier.
12. We will always be slightly uncomfortable around your family on any Christian holiday.
It isn’t our fault our moms taught us to hate Christmas because it has more representation in the media than Hanukkah. This is important to know when you date a Jewish girl.
13. Patience is also not one of our strong suits.
So either don’t make us wait or make sure we’re distracted while waiting. Here’s an idea: talk to us, we love that.
14. Passive aggressiveness isn’t in our vocabulary.
If we’re mad at you you’ll know.
15. Basically any emotion we’re feeling is probably written all over our faces.
So all you have to do is pay attention, ok?
16. You will be going to weddings and bar/bat mitzvahs for the rest of your life.
And somehow you will end up being lifted on a chair by multiple drunk people at least once.
17. Broadway is life. We love it and probably have an uncle who’s a producer on it or something.
Singing at random times is expected.
18. We will do anything for you, advocate for you.
Bake you cookies, run our long nails through your hair, give you a massage or teach you how to braid challah. All you have to do is ask.
19. Moses is not our Jesus.
We’ll only tell you once.
20. We are wife material and mate for life.
So if you’re lucky enough to get a second date with one of us, don’t blow it.