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The Year of the Fuqboi: How to Deal With the Modern Day John Tucker

The Year of the Fuqboi: How to Deal With the Modern Day John Tucker

As 2015 comes to a close, it is time for us to reflect on the decisions that we all made, the people we met, and most of all, the people that we let in; those of which we probably shouldn’t have. Going into college, I did not really know what to expect in terms of the dynamic between boys and girls. In high school, I was always the guy to give my girlfriends advice on their boy drama, and going into my freshman year, it seemed to be no different. It is almost as though college is just another feeding ground for players, or as any millennial will say, “fuqbois.”

Urban Dictionary defines a fuqboi as:

“An annoying, perverted, irrelevant male who is very easy to spot, usually wears excessive deep v necks and an entire can of axe spray, maybe two. He is always on the prowl with his extreme thirst and because of his desperation for female attention, he is constantly begging for nudes and gets disappointed easily when a girl doesn’t put out on the first date. He automatically assumes some chick wants the D when all she said was “hi” and being nice to him. He has no ambition in life and will end up having only these companions with him: herpes, chlamydia, gonorrhea, and HIV. For fuck’s sake, please beware of fuqbois.”

I agree with this definition to a certain degree. Yes, they are gross and yes, they think that they are God’s gift to mankind. But I also think they have ambition past just getting a girl into bed. To fuqbois, it is a game. Sadly for them, I have decided to rewrite the rules in this article. In the past 2 and half years, I have discovered different types of fuqbois: The sensitive poet, the ego-ridden mama’s boy, the Gemini and my favorite the “nice” guy. I’m gonna go ahead and define each of these guys, give you an example of them, and give you some advice on how to deal with them. Now, let the games begin.


The Sensitive Poet

Have you ever talked to a guy that has more feelings than you do? Who seems to find everything wrong with what you say, and eventually just feels like an emotionally draining energy consumer? Well, then you’ve probably had yourself a Sensitive Poet. These guys are best defined by their inability to tell you what you are or put labels on your relationship because of some past relationship that of which has nothing to do with you. They will constantly talk about their trust issues and how it is really difficult for them to open up to anyone else.

They probably have other girls that they hook up with, but because you feel terrible about everything that they’ve been through, you stay faithful to a relationship that does not exist in their heads. Or, they decide to give you just enough information about them to cause you to feel misguided guilt, that of which is presented to you once they do something wrong. All in all, you’re walking on eggshells, hoping to never hurt their feelings, out of fear that you might trigger some unwanted memory. Let me tell you something right now: to them, you are just another pawn. Another means to exert some kind of sick male dominance. You aren’t special, because if you were, they would show it in ways that go past them whining about some girl that isn’t you. If you feel guilty about something that has nothing to do with you, chances are you’ve been hit by the sensitive poet.

RUN! Don’t let them in because you will always work towards trying not to be the girl that broke his heart, rather than building a relationship of your own. A lot of times, these guys start out great, but then you see that they are not progressing… After 3 months of things not progressing, do you really think that there is hope for that? If you realize that his trust issues are bigger than Aria’s from Pretty Little Liars, then honey, prepare to be exhausted, confused and guilty. This is not to say that men shouldn’t be sensitive, because I could never promote something like that. But if he is using his sensitivity to control you and place you in a position where you don’t feel any sort of reciprocity then make the relations a haiku rather than a ballad.


The Ego-ridden Mama’s Boy

These guys are the type of guys that are confident past a certain level of comfort. They are so obsessed with themselves that it’s almost sad because you don’t ever see whatever it is that they seem to. At first, you are attracted to their charisma, their charm and their ego. But then, after noticing that they check themselves out in every single reflecting object they can find, they use “I” in sentences that they shouldn’t (which takes a lot of creativity) and at times, they refer to themselves in third person… you should know that you’ve gotten yourself an Ego-ridden Mama’s Boy.

The Mama’s boy portion of this nickname derives from the fact that their mothers loved them to the point that they were groomed to believe that their presence brings life to all that they are involved with. They are so self centered that you almost start to wonder if you are just a means to inflate their ego. And, worst of all, you start to wonder if they would date themselves if they could… (the answer is usually yes by the way). IF during sex, he wants you to compliment him (my friend once said that some guy told her to tell him how hot he was, as they were hooking up, like wtf?) or most of your conversations center around him, and his wants and needs and what he hopes to do one day… then you have to get rid of that egomaniac.

My favorite way to deal with these guys is to subtly break their spirit. If he is all giddy after you guys have sex, because he thinks that he invented it, look bored and unsatisfied, even if you aren’t. If he asks you how you think he did, say something like “I mean, it was okay.” Do not give him the satisfaction (even if it was mind-blowingly good). If he works up the nerve to ask you who your best was, expecting him to be the answer, boldly talk about one of your other lovers, then chalk it up to you being honest. These guys also find ways to compartmentalize you by saying things like, “I know your type” or “I’ve dealt with girls like you before.” If ever a guy says something like that to you, do what my best friend did and simply say, “I mean, if that’s the case, then there really is no point in this going any further” while sternly and confidently pointing to the door. Check mate.


The Gemini

Have you ever been involved with a guy that treated you a certain way, then was completely different when others were around. I’d like to refer to Hilary Duff’s hit song “Stranger” in which she says, “Nobody believes me when I tell them that you’re out of your mind. Nobody believes me when I tell them that there’s so much you hide.” That’s what a Gemini is, they treat in a certain way, then completely switch it around once they see that others are around.

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When you guys get in arguments, you are left in disbelief of some of the things that they say. It is almost as if you are actually dating two different people, because in some instances they are kind and genuine; that person that you initially got involved with. Then all of sudden it switches. They become cold, distant and essentially the many reasons behind why Taylor Swift has so much success. The most important thing to do when dealing with these men is to not forget who you are and what you believe in. Most importantly never forget the fact that you dictate your own self worth. Guys like this change faces in hopes to test you and eventually dilute how it is that you see yourself in respect to how you see them. Do not let them. As they change faces, remember that there is only one you. You were there before he came into your life and you will definitely be there once he leaves.


The “Nice” Guy

These guys are my favorite kind of fuqboi because they are the most successful of the bunch. They are the self-proclaimed nice guys who work towards telling others how amazing they are, or are most focused on seeming nice rather than just being good people. First, if you’re a nice guy, you really shouldn’t have to tell anyone that you’re a nice guy. It is kind of retroactive to talk about how nice you are, while being nice… Like what?

They are the type of guys who are a part of the gentleman’s fraternity, who say everything they need to and agree with everything you have to say in order to then get what they want. They let you believe that you are in control when in reality, they are in the background playing you. They are calculated, meticulous and amiable, to the point where you are not sure if you are allowed to hate them or not. You should hate them JUST BECAUSE OF THIS! They set traps that are masked with promises of loyalty, consistency and kindness, only to disappear and leave you feeling crazy. My theory is that behind every “crazy” girl, there’s a “nice” guy who is completely unaware of what he did. If a guy ever says the words, “I’m a nice guy” or “I’m one of the good ones,” you should quickly think, can good people really be comparably so? The answer is no, they shouldn’t.

Being a good person shouldn’t set you apart from anyone, it should just be. These are the guys that you should completely play. My friend got invited to a formal where men were notorious for hooking up with their dates, unless previously discussed. Knowing this, she went and allowed him to pay for all of the festivities. But when it came down to actually getting down and dirty, she hooked up with one of his frat brothers. She. Is. A. Boss. She knew where she stood to him and she decided to give him a small dose of his own medicine. She got a free trip to Tahoe and was able to strut back on campus, with her head held high. She played the game but came out victorious.


I hope that this serves as a way to have all of you understand that you are not alone. I didn’t mean for this to be a smear piece of any kind, nor do I think that all men suck. For those that do, these are some tips in dealing with them. The rules may constantly change, but that doesn’t mean you ever have to. Stay true to yourself and know that you are worth more than anything that a fuqboi could ever say, do, or give to you. Moreover, this was a means to send the message; two can play the game of love, but that you refuse to be a casualty in the long run. Happy New Year to all of you, may you all be as picky with your men as you are with your froyo toppings in 2016!

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