“Peace is the beauty of life. It is sunshine. It is the smile of a child, the love of a mother, the joy of a father, the togetherness of a family. It is the advancement of man, the victory of a just cause, the triumph of truth.”
When you think of the term ‘family’, what are the first things to pop into your head? I’m sure it is along the lines of a mother, a father, a few kids, an animal or two, a nice big house in a fancy neighborhood with one of the best schools that children could grow up in. I’m sure you don’t think about the brokenness between the family. Before my life decided to make a complete 360 turn, I thought the exact same thing. Until one day changed it all.
January of 2015, I experienced the worst pain anyone should ever have to endure. I had to watch the suffering as death took over my mother’s body right in front of me. Knowing it was eventually coming didn’t make the situation any easier, in fact it made it a lot more difficult. It all started on a Winter morning when her words started to slur and her body became numb. I panicked. I thought I was just dreaming and that none of it was real. When the ambulance finally showed up at our house to take my mother away, the snow started pouring down harder than I’ve ever seen. Everything was white, peaceful might I add. But in the midst of the situation, everything was the exact opposite of peaceful. My whole family was in complete shock and panic, and my mother was in the worst pain and had no idea of her surroundings. When we arrived at the hospital we waited hours before the doctor came to inform us that they tried everything they could, but still had no results. The next day, around 2 p.m., we received a call from the hospital informing us that we needed to come right away and determine whether or not it was time to take her off life support. If you’re reading this and are unaware of what life support does for a person, it’s basically a helping hand to keep them alive. It does absolutely everything for them. It keeps their heart pumping and their lungs breathing. This was the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make and I’m sure it will be the hardest decision I will ever will have to make. This is where I had to decide to be selfish or selfless. Putting aside all the grief and pain, losing a parent changes you in many different ways:
After losing a parent you learn more than you think. You learn new things about yourself, new likes, new dislikes, and everything in between. For example, when I was younger I looked forward to it snowing every single year. Now, I absolutely hate it and I’m sure if my mother was still here I would still love it. Losing a parent sucks away all interest in any activity you participated in with them. New illnesses arise- for me, my depression and anxiety spiked through the roof when I lost my mom. I still struggle with it a year later. Family vacations are never the same and never will be. You are always going to feel their presence missing. It never goes away. You know they are missing big events in your life that they could only have dreamed of experiencing with you.
I know, I know, crying a lot sounds a little dramatic but hear me out. I realize everyone has bad time periods in their lives, but when you lose someone that is supposed to guide you every step of the way in your life, you feel so alone and lost in this world. You will question your purpose every single day, and you lose all hope that better days are eventually coming. But listen- things do get better over time if you believe they will. It is basically all up to you to determine. You are the one that decides if things will get better or not.
You hate relying on everyone else! In my experience, I felt everyone was reaching out to me to provide me with their sympathy which really made things a lot worse. Every day you remind yourself that you don’t need anyone. You already the lost one person you needed the most, so there is no need to rely on anyone besides yourself. So you begin to push every single person that loves and cares about you the most away, and you stop new people from interrupting your life because you don’t want to experience the pain of losing someone you care so deeply about.
Before the passing of my mother I was so happy and bubbly ALL THE TIME. I had a rough time before, but I never let my childhood bother me as much. Almost every day I was around some sort of group of people. Because you push everyone away, you are constantly spending time by yourself. When you lose a parent, you spend a lot of time by yourself, mainly grieving and reflecting on what you could have done differently, but you learn how to go days without human contact. You are okay without people.
After you lose a parent you seriously realize that you are not a fan of people. You are able to understand that people suck!! You know exactly how to point out their flaws and think everyone is out to get you. This is where you make the decision to not like people. It is okay not to like people. But just remember that decision you made when you get extremely frustrated at the world when you feel alone. Always remember to be exactly who you are, the you that makes you happiest, and the you that makes you feel unstoppable.
*This is a sponsored post. All opinions are my own.
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