Please accept my very formal and sincere apology if you have had the distinct displeasure of meeting the male population on a dating app. After the world was overrun by technology, it did not leave single people with much hope to find the one person who supposedly completes them. Instead, they got to meet the worst of them through pointless conversations, boring life details, and half-assed profile pictures via dating apps of the world.
You might be someone who has forged through the crowds and found someone on hinge or tinder who doesn’t look like they just emerged from a forest. You are one of the few. The rest of us get to siphon through douchebag gym rats who will only buy drinks if it’s tequila shots who supposedly want to travel the world but are too afraid to leave their moms behind because they still don’t know how to run a dishwasher. It is here that we land on the topic of different types of guys on dating apps.
The Gym Rat
- Wants the gym more than you
- Doesn’t skip leg day
- Eats super healthy
- Bro vibe
- Lives in athletic wear
This one might be ok if you can get past the overwhelming ego and likely small dick syndrome compensated by biceps. It’s sort of a 50/50 shot. This is the kind of guy who either works out to drink or works out so much that drinking “kills his vibe.” There tend to be more of these types of men on dating apps, presumably due to covid. Let’s call it what it is, the result of societal push back on toxic masculinity manifesting itself through the ‘still not aware’ male figure. There might be a few halfway decent dudes in this category who can hold a conversation about something other than deadlifting as long as you are willing to physically push your limit 5 days out the week.
The Fish Selfie
- Potential raging alcoholic
- Always has a good tan
- Usually has southern manners
- Family is a little “out there”
- Impressive transformation in a suit
If you go on dating apps and casually scroll through 5 profiles, one of them is guaranteed to have a fish selfie. If you like seafood, this is pretty much it. This guy literally can’t do anything but throw a pole in the water. Note how big the fish is. Honestly, it could be worse. It is more than likely that this individual will buy a boat if he doesn’t have one already. You could benefit from this guy as you can tan while he pulls things out of a dirt-filled puddle. Often times there is a cooler on the boat filled with your choice of beer. Don’t expect much by way of cocktails. While clean-shaven might have been what you were initially looking for, look again because this guy ain’t shaving his beard for nothing.
- Gives it all up for the music
- Potential drug problem
- Wants to get to know the real you
- No money
- Feels one with their art form
The entire profile is filled with songs, performances, and semi-attractive stage pics. Physical touch is a yes only because they feel like a life failure. They don’t have many friends, but if you do meet them, they are weird while simultaneously being accepting. You will probably lead a solid life with this one while also having a pretty good sex life. The only downside is that you will 100% be the breadwinner. Closely related to the artist. All qualities and descriptions apply.
The Financial Advisor
- Probably over 30
- Really good with money
- Sucks at small talk
- Mommy issues
- Doesn’t leave the house without a 3-piece suit
You know… if you are looking for excitement and energy, look somewhere else because this is definitely not it. However, if you are looking for consistency, oblivious, or desperate, this is pretty much your guy. Fair warning, the financial advisors that appear on dating apps in their 20s are defiant assholes with no inner depth. If you are someone who sleeps in makeup wearing a bra from Victoria’s secret, this is your guy. He probably won’t cheat on you because you have significantly lowered your standards when choosing him in the first place. If loyalty is what you are looking for, you have found it. Good luck.
Only Poses Next to a Car
- All cash goes to car parts
- Your car will always be freshly waxed
- Enjoys boujee dinners chauffeured by the car
- Potentially arrogant
- Gets very excited about loud motors
This is probably the best you are going to get. While you have a 20% chance of being heard over the sound of a motor, this guy will actually surprise you with decency. However, if you don’t look good sitting in the car, you better go for the musician. While these guys can be slightly unfocused, struggling with ADHD or something of the like, they tend to care more than most. If you put in the effort, they likely will too. If you show enthusiasm for the make and model of whatever car they are driving, you will have started on very good terms. This guy could also be a motorcycle guy. For the most part, the same concepts apply. The biggest argument you will have is getting them to wear a helmet.
Only Talks About Sports
- Needs to lay off the beer
- Can’t even find silverware in the kitchen
- Never goes out on Sundays
- Yells at the TV with passion
- Jerseys are considered fashion
If you are one of those people who sleeps in a jersey with socks on, I don’t think you need to look much further. This guy won’t miss a Sunday for literally anything. He thrives on sports but doesn’t actually want to participate in them because he had his run in high school. Expect a dad bod by the age of 30, if not way sooner. As far as the relationship goes, its not too bad. Caring and kind as long as there is a beer involved. His profile says he will hold the door open for you just to slap your ass. Don’t argue much with this one; he is supposedly always right.