Ok hands up: who has texted their ex during quarantine? C’mon, no need pretend you didn’t, we’re all friends here. Limits in modern technology and surveillance laws mean I can’t say for certain how many of you put your hands up, but I’m going to assume it was most of you. Hey, no shame, dating right now is awful and trying to find new people who are willing to risk getting a life-threatening disease just to hook up is impossible (unless you live on a college campus, in which case it’s surprisingly easy).
That means that most of us are probably going back to the well, whether it’s healthy for us or not. It’s never great to be going back to your former partner: at best, it means that there are some unresolved feelings that haven’t been addressed. At worst, it means you haven’t moved on physically or emotionally and are still willing to put yourself back in the same stunted mindset just to feel appreciated or noticed. If you didn’t think you would be called out by some random Society19 article today, looks like you were wrong.
But we’re all human. Whether it’s good or bad or good because it’s bad, sometimes you’ve just gotta let your heart (or your hormones) make your decisions for you. If you don’t know where to start, or you’re worried that it might be awkward, here are some of the most creative, absolutely-100%-guaranteed-to-work ways to ask your ex to hook up.
The “U up?” text
Fortune favors the bold. In just two grammatically incorrect words, your message is out in the open, loud and clear, impossible to misinterpret. It doesn’t even have to be at night: it could be 2AM or 2PM, a “U up?” is the first step to getting back together with someone. There’s a reason why fuckboys rely on this technique. It’s not because it works (your results may vary), but because it remains the easiest way to say “Wanna hook up?” without actually saying it. With the right amount of brashness (or the proper amount of intoxication) you’ll be surprised how easy it is to send this message out.
Inviting them to hang out and ramping up the sexual tension
It starts off simply: you offer to hang out, they say yes, and you both meet up. From here, it’s time to make things happen and turn that hang out into a hook up. Lights are replaced with candles. The Weeknd’s House of Balloons starts to play. Make sure your best thong is just barely visible (it doesn’t matter if you’re a guy or a girl or none of the above: the understated thong is a vital part of this entire thing). Don’t skimp out on all the details. Subtlety is for virgins. Getting back into contact with your ex means that you’ve probably abandoned any pride or self-respect you might have once had anyway, so go big or go home.
Handwriting a letter
You suffered through 4th grade cursive precisely for this moment. Break out your impeccable calligraphy skills, refresh yourself on the most romantic poems and prose to quote at the ready, and get ready to knock someone’s clothes off with your unmatched writing ability. Lord Byron’s and Cassanova’s step aside, it’s your time to show that you got a B on a poetry assignment once.
Going to their door with cue cards
Hey, if it was good enough for that guy in Love Actually, it’s good enough for you. They were totally exes and they totally got together at the end (don’t go back and watch the movie to confirm, just trust me). You don’t even have to say anything, you can just stand there and look goofy as they read your brief ode to how much you miss banging them. The best part: you can maintain social distancing while doing it. There’s no way you can fail doing this. No way.
Holding up a boombox outside their window
Hey, if it was good enough for that guy in Say Anything, it’s good enough for you. Song selection is key here: Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s Get it On” is great, if not a little obvious. George Michael’s “I Want Your Sex” could work, as could Redbone’s “Come and Get Your Love” or “Thinkin Bout You” by Frank Ocean. Try to stray away from any overt love songs. This is about a hook up, after all. There’s a big difference between sex songs and love songs. Know the difference, and pick out your cassettes appropriately.
Singing a fully arranged and choreographed song to them
I’m talking about the full-on High School Musical levels of commitment here. Showing up to someone’s window, breaking out your finest dances that you learned from some twelve year old on TikTok, and singing in a full throated bellow might strike some as “overboard” or “creepy” or “grounds to be arrested for trespassing on private property”, but when done just right, it’s incredibly romantic.
Ideal for long distance messages, what’s more romantic than laboriously building a fire and smelling like soot? Just make sure you use the proper color smoke/pattern, as you’d hate for your booty call to be misinterpreted and as an SOS and suddenly a rescue mission is on your ass. Remember: black smoke is a distress signal, white smoke means they’ve chosen a new Pope, and red smoke is the smoke to hook up.
Faking an unresearchable terminal illness
Manipulative? Sure. Unethical? Completely. Effective? Undoubtedly. In the age of unstoppable global pandemics, who’s to say that your random jumble of medical jargon and Latin-sounding phraseology isn’t a real disease? Just don’t make it a contagious disease. Rookie mistake.
Buying them a Popeyes Spicy Chicken Sandwich
There’s no quicker way to someone’s heart than through their stomach. The most arousing of all the chicken sandwich options, Popeye’s is the platonic ideal between the weirdly-religious piousness of a Chick-fil-A sandwich and the “I had no idea they even made a chicken sandwich”-ness of Burger King’s Crispy chicken sandwich. Get two, offer one to your ex, and watch the sparks fly immediately. If they turn you down, at least you’ve still got lunch. You might still be horny, but you won’t be hungry.