Pumpkin spice coffees are a dime a dozen in the corporate world that we live in. Many places have started to add purée into the mix to fight off their competitors. Everyone loves coffee. The underpaid labor that it takes to get those coffee beans to a blender makes it worth every single sip. There may be a day when coffee is so expensive that only those who believe in trickledown economics may be able to afford them. The tastiest thing about pumpkin spice coffees isn’t the coffee. It’s the spices.
The Top Secret Ingredients
The ingredients most commonly used in pumpkin spice coffee recipes: espresso, pumpkin pie spice (cinnamon, nutmeg, ginger, cloves, and allspice), pumpkin purée, and pumpkin spice syrup. In your race to make the best cup of coffee that your house has ever seen, you may be wondering what else you could put in that cup of joe. One could always add a little vanilla, star anise, hazelnut, cocoa, or peppermint.
Secondly, milk and sugar. There are so many types of milks and sugars, nowadays, that it’s difficult to keep up. Different kinds of milk have different consistencies. Non-dairy milk is normally thicker, concerning its consistency.
As for the sugars: does this one cause obesity or cancer? There’s no conclusive evidence for substitutes being bad for you, but it’s always safer to stick to something that’s older (lots of tests have been run on it).
You go hog wild with the spices. You’re an adult. No one controls you, and you need to show them that with the power of pumpkin pie spice.
The Infamous P.S.L. (Pumpkin Spice Latte)
Here we have the Q-tip of the cotton swabs. There are many pumpkin spice coffees—but one reigns supreme among the others—bludgeoning its competition with Instagram and Pinterest photos. Feel free to liquor this thing up.
What is a latte? Wikipedia says that it’s got an espresso and a lot of steamed milk. Cinnamon, nutmeg, cloves, pumpkin spice, and the addictive sweet stuff that’s produced a culture of obesity and violence.
This drink (possibly) cannot legally be mentioned without talking about the company we all know, love, and buy from: Starbucks. They developed this drink. They are like Frankenstein and the monster is the pumpkin spice latte. It wishes to learn our ways, asking for its maker to engineer a wife so that it, too, can be happy. This will birth a wave of other undead drinks that could jeopardize the human race as we know it.
Cold Brewed Pumpkin Spice Coffee
You take whatever beans that you fancy and do the soaking process. You take that concoction and add the secret ingredients to form the amalgam of Autumn. Now, add some cool alcohol that you’ve been keeping in your freezer. Add some Irish cream. Add some vodka, schnapps, or Bailey’s.
This is where that peppermint can come in handy. You may also want to make it a chai drink. The options are almost endless.
Pumpkin Spice Turkish Coffee
The trend continues with our aversion to lattes. Turkish coffee is an interesting thing: super-finely ground coffee that’s unfiltered. You’ll want to get a pastry for this one. This is where we can try the pumpkin purée.
Pumpkin spice is fine too, but we’re trying things. We don’t want to go the safe route. We want to mix these chemicals together. Cardamom is a spice that is traditionally added to eastern coffees like this one, but most westerners have no idea how it tastes and adding pumpkin spice to this concoction might be a tad rash.
Although—we’re trying things, so you can’t not add some cardamom to the pumpkin spice mixture.
Pumpkin Spice Cappuccino
A Cappuccino is essentially espresso and milk with foam at the top. This one is a bit much on its own so you’re going to want to liberally add that pumpkin flavoring until the acidity calms down a bit. Some chai might go well with the mixture.
We don’t want to add too much sugar or you’ll crash and that defeats the purpose of why we drink it in the first place: it’s highly addictive. The addictiveness makes our brain think that coffee tastes good, and so it becomes good tasting. For addicting-sakes, leave the sugar in the bowl and enjoy the cappuccino like a real human being with no self-control, like the rest of us.
Pumpkin Spice Americano
An Americano tastes like water and cappuccino. Yes, precisely. It’s got a different feel than a regular brew, and since there’s very little to it, you want to go light on the spices. No purée.
Convenience Store Coffee with Pumpkin Spice
Go to your local convenience store. Go to the fridges. With all your heart, pick your poison. The overly priced coffee I normally get is a Cuban espresso. There’s enough sugar in convenience store beverages to kill a horse. Good. It tastes better that way. Is it food? Good question!
Take what you bought with your hard-earned cash, pour it into a blender, and add the secret ingredients. Since they are cold beverages to begin with, add some ice and/or cold brew to zest that puppy up.
After you’ve poured your Cuban-espresso cold brew mix into a cup, take out that whipped cream. You’re correct—we’re going to add the whipped cream on top of what should be illegal. Drizzle chocolate shavings onto it, for good measure.
Dripping or French Pressing?
Most people use the drip-brewing process to come out strong with a cup of coffee. There are positives and negatives to this. If you let the coffee burn or grounds get into the pot, then you probably don’t know how to toast bread either.
The french press is for those who have time. They’re hipsters who love the smell of asbestos-ladened records and can’t stand the sound of anything mainstream. French presses also make good coffee, so touché hipsters.