We’ve all been there. You’re in the middle of having sex with your partner, and you just can’t finish. They’re done, and now it’s an awkward waiting game to see how long until they give up. Even worse, you’re having some fun by yourself and orgasm still won’t come. You’re not alone. Here are 5 reasons why you’re not orgasming. Most of these apply to people with vaginas, but a few of these are applicable no matter what your genitals!
1. Your medication
I don’t know about you, but my anti-depressants kill my sex drive. And I mean, completely. When I’m on my medication, sex just isn’t something I think about, and when I do, orgasming is no easy feat. Serotonin-Reuptake Inhibitors and Serotonin-Norepinephrine Reuptake Inhibitors are the two most common types of anti-depressants that can hurt your libido.
Some anti-anxiety medications such as Xanax have been known to hurt your sex drive and decrease your chances of having an orgasm as well. Additionally, anti-estrogen medications and antihistamines can cause vaginal dryness (see #2) which can also lead to a decrease in your rate of orgasm. One type of medication that I was especially surprised to discover can lead to dryness are certain asthma drugs. What I’m getting at here is medications play a huge role in your sex life.
If you’re having trouble reaching completion and you are taking any kind of medication whatsoever, do yourself a favor and hop on Google to see if your meds are what’s holding you back. If they are, there’s plenty of ways to work with your doctor to fix the problem without giving the medication the boot.
2. You’re dry
This was pointed out to me by a friend who recently had a child. They said that sex/having an orgasm can be extremely difficult after childbirth, mostly because it can leave you pretty dry down there. Childbirth is far from the only reason your vagina might be dry, though. Again, anti-depressants can play a role, as well as antihistamines, birth control, decreased estrogen levels, douching, smoking, drinking, even some cancer treatments, and more.
You rarely see a couple stop to use lube in a porn video, but given the wide range of causes of vaginal dryness, it’s quite common among people with vaginas. Needing to lube up is nothing to be ashamed of, and there’s nothing wrong with you.
3. You’re with the wrong person
Okay, this is a tough pill to swallow, but at some point, you have to ask yourself, “am I with the right person?” There are lots of reasons why your partner may be to blame. First, they might not be not doing what you need them to do (make sure you’re communicating, see #4). Sometimes, even if you are both communicating what you need, you’ll find that your sexual desires don’t line up. Not everyone is sexually compatible, and that’s okay.
Second, it’s always possible you don’t have a deep enough connection with someone. I know for me, I have a difficult time orgasming unless I have an emotional connection with the person.
Then there’s the elephant in the room… are you with the right gender? It’s 2020, and experimenting with your sexuality is hardly all that groundbreaking. If you’re not dry, your sex drive is healthy, and you’ve exhausted all of your options… why not experiment with your gender? This only applies to you if you find the same gender attractive to begin with, but it’s worth mentioning.
I know as a bisexual I can get stuck dating the same gender over and over, but sometimes a little something different is exactly what my sex life needs. What if your lack of orgasm is stemming from a constant refusal to acknowledge one’s sexuality? I had a “Poker Face” moment where I realized I couldn’t ignore my bisexuality any longer when I finally orgasmed with the man I was with while imagining I was with a woman. It became pretty hard to deny my sexual orientation anymore.
4. You’re not communicating what you want
This is so important. You need to communicate what you want. If you’re more of a top than a bottom, but your partner always wants you to be the bottom… chances are you’re not going to orgasm any time soon. Need clitoral stimulation to get off? You’re not the only one! Needing clitoral stimulation stands in the way of approximately 36% of people’s orgasms. That’s right. 36%. In fact, on average, only 25% of people with vaginas reach orgasm from vaginal intercourse alone.
What I’m saying here is needing more stimulation is nothing to be ashamed of. Practice on your own, learn what your body needs, and communicate that to your partner! Your sex life and your relationship will thank you.
5. You’re stressed
Not only can stress cause vaginal dryness, but the emotional toll it takes on you can’t be overstated. Have you ever been trying so hard to have an orgasm, but you just can’t? It’s probably because you were overthinking it. In my experience, I’ve found that the more you think about reaching completion, the less likely you are to orgasm.
Think of it as stressing out about a big exam. Sure, stressing out about the exam isn’t necessarily going to cause you to fail, but it’s not going to help you do any better either. You’re going to exert half your energy worrying about failing, and you won’t end up giving your exam all your attention. Sex is sort of the same way. Half the fun is the fact that you can lose yourself in the act.
If your mindset is just panic as to whether you’re going to be able to orgasm or not, you’re missing out on all the fun of sex… and in turn, probably missing out on your orgasm too.
If you still can’t figure out why you’re not orgasming, it’s not the end of the world. Let go and have fun. That’s what sex is all about!
Featured Photo by Jan Zhukov on Unsplash
Sophomore at Southern New Hampshire University and a native-born Philly girl.