We’ve all either had a horrible one night stand or hope that we never encounter one. However, I’m sure we can all agree that the stories that come from them are intriguing and usually hilarious. Here are ten of the most horrible stories I know!
1. Pizza, Celebrities, and Chlamydia
“So the three of us, Amy*, Maddie* and I, went to a pizza shop and these guys were literally serenading us. They were hot famous guys who were in Boston shooting a movie on the Detroit riots. Amy gave one of the guys her number and they FaceTimed us and asked us to come to their hotel, so we did. They got us so drunk and kept handing us drinks on drinks, but they weren’t even drinking too much, so it was mad sketchy. However, we were cocked so we didn’t pay much attention to it. Most of the guys who were there awkwardly left except for three of them so we each paired off and went back to their rooms. My guy literally tore the muscles in my legs during sex, Amy’s guy fell asleep right after sex, and Maddie’s guy gave her Chlamydia. We each proceeded to escape the rooms to meet up in the lobby and we bounced QUICK… We never heard from those guys again.”
2. Grindr and The Cockblocking Grandpa
“It was a Grindr hookup and I drove to this guys house. When I get there he sends me a message saying, ‘wait one second my grandfather is walking the dog outside.’ I said ok and waited in my car until his grandfather went inside, I then messaged the guy telling him his grandfather went inside and he replies, ‘Ok walk to the side gate.’ I’m lowkey nervous, but I go to push open the gate and the grandfather walks out the front door yelling, ‘YOU’RE TRESPASSING! GET OFF MY PROPERTY. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!?!?!’So I’m like, ‘uhm…I’m here to see my friend.’ The guy finally comes outside and says, ‘It’s okay grandpa. He’s my friend here to pick me up. We’re leaving soon,’ and I’m just like, ‘Yeah…’ We then go downstairs through the side door, but the guy is so paranoid the whole time while we sit on the couch and eventually he’s like, ‘Ok, I’m sorry, but I think it’s best that you go,’ and I’m like, ‘Ok, that’s fine,’ and then I left.”
3. Eskimo Brothers Gone Wrong
“This one time I went home with a girl from a bar. Right after we fucked I found out that she was my super religious fraternity bro’s ex-girlfriend of three years… The sex was also awful because we were both incredibly sick.”
4. A Drunken Love Triangle
“So this story is a bit complicated and very long because it’s a one night stand within a long-term thing with another guy. I had been talking to this one guy, let’s call him Sam, for about two years. We lived far away from each other, but happened to go to two different colleges that were a mile away from each other. Right before school started he had already moved into his house and invited me to come stay with him for three days before my move-in day. At this point, we expressed that we wanted to be in a relationship once we got to school and that we both felt like we were falling in love with each other. However, the whole time I was there he was barely home and barely talked to me. On the second night of me staying there, he randomly comes to bed very drunk and blatantly says, ‘I don’t think I want to be with you anymore,’ and then falls asleep. I spent the whole night crying in utter confusion. The next day we talked about it in the morning, but the whole day was incredibly awkward because I had to stay there another night. He ended up inviting me to a party later that night, so I went but he didn’t talk to me at all. All his friends/housemates did though, especially one of his friends, let’s call him Tim. Tim had been incredibly nice to me the whole weekend. In fact, Tim took care of me when I was too drunk and made sure I got home safe, instead of Sam. During the party Tim expressed that he wasn’t enjoying it and wanted to know if I could give him a ride back to the house, since I wasn’t drinking and had my car. I said, ‘of course!’ and we drove back. At the house we just sat there and talked about life and drank wine. He listened to my problems and was super sweet about it. We started dancing together and singing, having fun while listening to music. He urged me to drink more and more wine and we both got super drunk. Before I knew it, we were kissing…then we were naked. I told him I didn’t want to do anything because it wouldn’t be fair to Sam, but after much convincing on Tim’s part I found that we were having sex. However, after about a minute of sex we both decided that it was a bad idea and neither of us finished. Sam came home soon after, very drunk. We went upstairs and I told him what had happened. We ended up getting into a huge fight and he said a lot of horrible things to me. I stormed out of the room and told Tim everything that happened. Tim let me sleep in his bed while he slept on the couch downstairs. The next morning I woke up to find that Sam threw all of my stuff out into the hallway and locked his door. I gathered all my things, got ready and said bye to Tim who was half asleep and half naked on the couch. I then packed my car and went to go meet my parents at my college for move-in day. I haven’t talked to Tim since, and I ran into a very drunk Sam at a sushi restaurant about two months ago.”
5. A Sketchy Night For Two With a Man Who Can’t Screw
“Okay, so I used to take the train into the city a lot in high school, and one night I was at a club in the city and I met this guy there. We hung out together the whole night so I left with him and I thought we were just gonna walk around or go to his place, but he lived too far away so he said that we would just find us a cheap place to crash for the night. We eventually get to this mad sketchy motel and when I walk in it says no one under 18 on the door. I thought it was odd, but I brushed it off. Then, when we got it, we had to pay by the hour, not by the night, which was also weird. When we walked into our room there was already hardcore porn playing on the tv screen. I turned it off and we started banging anyway. While we were having sex, I realized that there was a mirror on the ceiling so I could see everything going on from all angles… The guy then proceeded to tell me he loved me during the very mediocre sex even though I didn’t even know his name. I left early and slept at Penn Station until my train came in the next morning.”
6. An Asshole in an Asshole
“So on Kendall Day, a big party day at my school, I was hooked up with this kid. We ended up having sex and the whole time he screamed, ‘I’m the best, I’m the best, tell me I’m the best,’ and then all of a sudden he shoved his fingers up my ass and I screamed. He then took them out, smelt them and gave me a weird look. I then yelled, ‘ WHAT?! EVERY ASSHOLE SMELLS GOOD?!’ So then we finish having sex and I leave. I go, ‘Wanna walk me home?’ and he goes ‘Nah, you can do it.’ It was a walk from Emerson to Towers, which is quite far.”
7. Diarrhea Date
“I went on a date with a guy that at the time was five years younger than me. He met me at my apartment and then we walked into town and had dinner at my favorite restaurant. At dinner I chose a chicken dish and he had the spicy salmon. After dinner we went and played darts and had a few drinks. After that we had a romantic walk back to my apartment where he at one point under the stars gave me my first kiss. I was in heaven! I couldn’t believe how great this guy was and his kiss was unforgettable! As we arrived inside my apartment I asked him if he wanted to stay a little longer for one more drink and talk. He said he’d love to but just had to use the bathroom first. My apartment wasn’t very big and the bathroom was right next to the living room. While he was in there, I refreshed my makeup, poured our drinks, and sat on the couch awaiting his arrival. I would say about a minute went by and then I heard it: explosive diarrhea noises coming from behind the closed door. As I sat there in disbelief it just wouldn’t stop! It went on and on and on. I’ve never wanted my mom ‘as an adult’ as bad as I did then. I kept going over in my head what I was going to say when he came out. But at that point because he had been in there for so long and how loud it was I couldn’t act as if I didn’t know. So after about I’m guessing 15 minutes he comes out. So I cleared my throat and said, ‘Are you ok?’ His reply was, ‘No I’m not… do you have a mop?’ I said, ‘What do you need a mop for?’ As he chuckles he says, ‘I need a mop because I just shit all over your floor!’ I think I literally stopped breathing for 30 seconds. I said ‘Are you freaking kidding me?!’ He said, ‘Yes I’m just kidding, but I wanted to make light of the situation because you obviously know I had explosive diarrhea. I think it was the Spicy Salmon.’ I played it cool and tried to make it not awkward the next 10 minutes and then I said, ‘I think we should call it a night.’ ‘Yup me too.’ … The end.”
8. The Roommate Mishap
“Ok well generally I don’t have a lot of bad experiences with one night stands or like nothing that funny. But at the end of last spring I met this guy at a Darty. His name was Matt (and literally the only reason I remember that is because I was an actual dope and when he introduced himself I was like, ‘I love that name, it rhymes with so many fun things’ and then proceeded to list things that rhyme with Matt…) Anyway, I saw him again at a party the next night and I ended up going back to his dorm with him. So we got back and he unlocked his room and it was all seemingly normal. Like we started hooking up and it was all fine, although he was kinda an awkward kisser and I was like, ‘Ugh,’ but I was also drunk and didn’t really care. So at like 3 a.m. his roommate walks in, and I’m undressed in this kid’s bed and he turns on the lights and is literally just like, ‘Hey, what’s up how are you enjoying room 302?’…or whatever the room was. And I’m like ‘????’ So Matt gets out of the bed and they’re just shouting at each other across the room and I didn’t know what to do so I like grabbed a random shirt that I saw and my shoes and dashed out of the room. I walked across campus half-dressed without my actual stuff and never spoke to this dude again. I ran into him a couple days later in the dining hall and we just didn’t say a word. It was one of those, ‘Yup, that happened’ moments. Still wondering what Matt did to the roommate to prompt such a response. Also, like really don’t know who Matt is because I don’t know his last name and haven’t seen him around so like cool.”
9. Dangerous Date
“So basically I had been talking to a guy from Tinder for a while and he said he wanted to get dinner with me, so we planned to meet at a halfway point first to make things easier. So at the time we agreed to meet there I went there and he hadn’t even left happy hour yet which he claimed he wasn’t drinking at. So he stood me up and was like, ‘I am so sorry, I promise I will make it up to you.’ And he called me and was pleading with me to agree to give him a second chance. He sounded sober on the phone and by this time happy hour was over so I agreed to meet but I told him, ‘I’m not driving a single mile for you,’ and stupidly agreed to let him pick me up. I don’t know why I thought that would be a good idea, but I guess I was really enjoying the power trip I had when he was begging for another chance. So I agreed and he drove to me to pick me up. Immediately as I sat down in the car, i realized it was a mistake but it was too late to turn back. His breath reeked from alcohol and his driving was scary. We hadn’t even chosen a place to go to eat and he just started driving. I told him to slow down and then to pull over so we could just talk, but when I finally got him to listen he was handsy and rude. He kept asking me to kiss him and I kept saying no. He burped super loud and it smelled so fucking bad. I felt unsafe with his driving and concerned he could get into an accident that I asked that we just take a walk. So we took a walk and sat down and actually got to talking and talked for a few hours until he sobered up. Then I asked him to drive me back home and he did. He then forced himself on me for a kiss goodbye and I literally made it so clear to him that I never wanted to see him again after he made a complete fool of himself in front of me and put both of our lives in danger with his drinking and driving… The end.”
10. Screw and Dash
“Met this girl on Tinder, got ice cream and chilled at her place. Her mom walked in on her blowing me so we left and went to her dorm at Smith College. We took my car and she asked me if I was staying over and I said yeah. The sex was terrible and her vagina smelled up the room. After the worst sex ever, she asked me to take a shower with her so I waited for her to get in and I put on my clothes and left.”
Have you heard any other one night stand horror stories? Let us know!
Featured image source: We Heart It
Alexis Farrington wishes she could "bake a cake filled with rainbows and smiles and everyone would eat and be happy."