The Words I Never Said
I will admit from experience that there is a great chance that life will leave you with many cuts and just not enough bandages. But people tend to come to terms with the pain instead of acknowledging that all wounds heal; with or without bandages. It may not be the same but it will better for you if you have already suffered the worst and have survived. You will have new strength, a new outlook, and new hope. This process is often slugged to a halt when those who are hurting have no outlet to release this tension and aggression, no one to talk to, feeding the loneliness and its bottomless apatite for the suffering of others. This is how I dealt with my battle with depression.
I experienced this lonely ideology for many moons. The idea has molded me and broken me on multiple occasions, and as much as I wanted to, the words would not come out. I often just dodged the questions and relieved my anxiety to get help by hating myself and blaming myself for my seeming endless faults. I’m not afraid to tell my parents the truth, but I’m unsure how they would take it if they knew that their son faced a constant battle with depression with a loaded gun on his desk.If I told them the eyes of my pain, if I only had ten chances to release my pent up sadness then it would probably come out like this…
Dear Mama, I know you wouldn’t believe it if I told you but:
1. I have attempted suicide twice while away at University.
Once after a fight with a friend and another because my academic inefficiency.
2. When I was 12 years old I lied about a cut I got on my wrist.
I said I fell on glass playing outside in the grass, but I really slit my wrist with that glass.
3. I contemplated running away from home when I was 14.
I hated my sister for always being the apple of your eye and seeing me as a nobody.
4. I was constantly bullied in the sixth grade.
The guy threatened to kill me if I ever told anyone about it.
5. When I was 15 I was sexually assaulted by a group of high school freshman girls.
They also threatened with violence if I ever told.
6. I tried to overdose on painkillers on my 20th birthday.
My girlfriend at the time was cheating on me with two other men while living with me and stole my life savings.
7. I’m sorry I sold your tennis bracelet in 2010 to buy drugs and alcohol.
I’m also sorry for lying about it. I’m sorry I took your bank cards to support my addiction.
8. I contemplate suicide on a DAILY basis.
But I have hypnotized myself into thinking positive. I am afraid that I am a danger to myself and others.
9. I love you mom, but I’m afraid of the pain that I know that I’ve brought you.
All you have done is love me for it.
10. I’m Sorry
Remember Y’all if you EVER feel like you have no one to talk to just remember that there are millions like you.
loneliness is a lie, the pain is an illusion, and the answer will always be one phone call away.
Call your family, friends, loved ones, take it one step further and call the Crisis Hotline. They have saved my life from myself and my family knows my every struggle and it makes my tears worth shedding knowing that I have people I can turn to. Don’t face depression alone because you just cant beat it one on one. Trust me, I’ve learned with my battle with depression to not do that. You can do this.
Love, give love, and repeat!