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If Presidential Candidates Were College Students

If Presidential Candidates Were College Students

The 2016 Presidential Election is upon us, sort of. With primaries looming closer, it is essential for every generation of a voting age to inform itself and participate in the political process. And what better way to educate college students than to shine the presidential candidates under a familiar light: archetypes of college students. (FYI, all the majors listed actually exist.)

Barnie “The Activist” Slanders

Major: Floral Management

Have you ever walked past some type of “peace circle” on your campus? It’s usually led by a (30-year-old-looking) 19 year old sophomore who thoroughly enjoys making you feel guilty if you dare make eye-contact, and then not join the righteous proceedings. In his free time, you can find Slanders yelling at his roommate for using too much hot water, keying Hummers and sporstcars on campus and looking for tenured professors to pay his tuition. For some reason, Russian international students revere him.

Spike “The Crusader” WhatTheHuckabee

Major: Bakery Sciences

Spike hails from Arkansas and has proudly never left the country; he doesn’t even have a passport. He’s one of the few remaining people calling LGBT people “the gays,” but for some reason thinks he’s a friend to that community. Spike is a huge fan of politically incorrect jokes and always seems to assume that the target community will laugh at them and support him for his fine comedic skills.


Ronald “The Inappropriate Uncle” Plump

Major: Bagpiping

Ronald is that guy that makes you cringe every time he speaks up in ‘Intro to Anthropology.’ He hangs out with the golf team, started his own Real Estate Society on campus (the original one wasn’t up to his standards and allowed women). He has a habit of yelling “you’re fired!” to foreign students and minorities. His freshman year, Ronald built a fence in his dorm to establish a border between him and his roommate Ernesto; he then asked Ernesto to compensate him for the supplies and labor hours.

John “I Swear I’m Different” Buschel

Major: Family Enterprise

John seems like a friendly guy. People like him more than his upperclassman brother. An aficionado of all things Hispanic, he religiously follows a daily siesta schedule and organizes a big fiesta every year for Cinco de Mayo. He once made an argument that the Women’s Studies department was receiving too much funding, which really troubled Ronald Plump who usually loves to disagree with him.

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Hilly “The Good Wife” Cleanton

Major: Puppetry

Somehow, Cleanton was an RA…as a freshman. And not the understanding, friendly kind of RA; the kind that patrols the halls Friday and Saturday nights while keeping an eye on her volatile boyfriend, Will. She’s a theater major, so with those fine acting skills, you’ll have a tough time figuring out what she thinks about people, or when she’s actually telling the truth. Hilly loves technology and got a job as a campus rep for Gmail. She likes to give back to the community by going shopping with (and taking style tips from) senior citizens.

There is quite a group of characters for the 2016 election. Keep informing yourself with both serious and not-so-serious articles to form your opinion of each of the presidential candidates. Don’t worry, you still have loads of time before it’s time to vote.

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