Listen, we’ve all tried weird things in the bedroom. Most of us have bad (or good!) memories of different sex positions, sex toys, flavoured condoms, and other things you would’ve never come up with by yourself. But nothing can really prepare you for the moment you’re lying in the dark and you see some kind of weird looking lightsaber between your legs.
And that’s what glow in the dark condoms are like.
I was hanging out with my best friend, and we decided to go to Walmart because there’s no cheaper place to find candy and makeup at the same time.
We’re joking around with vibrators and condoms, as you do, and I hear a very audible gasp as she picks it up and shows it to me. It takes me a minute to process the small box that says ‘Night Light’ and, then I read the ‘glow in the dark condoms’ all-caps subscript.
I immediately toss them in my basket because I’m always one for a joke in bed—but it was a little more than a funny joke.
So what do you do when you buy glow in the dark condoms? How do you bring that up with a person you’re casually sleeping with?
Because if it was with a partner, they’d probably expect it, but in casual relationships you can’t be as weird as you usually are. You have to be the normal version of yourself rather than the you’ve been at home for two days version of yourself.
So here’s what you do: you casually introduce it. Just like you casually end up sleeping together after he makes you pasta. It’s just that easy—or that’s what you believe at the time.
So you can break out one weird type of condom, say ribbed ones. Semi-normal, feels a little strange. Or you can go straight into it like I did, because I never listen to my own advice.
You whip them out, laughing, and hand them to him as your hanging out on your couch. He looks confused. You laugh a little harder, more out of awkwardness than actual humour. He then starts to laugh, and agrees.
Then you realize you actually have to use it.
So you’re laying there, in the dark to see the condom, and you realize something really vital to the situation: are you going to be able to take this seriously?
The answer is no.
Here’s the thing: probably any body part would look weird wrapped in glow and the dark latex. No matter how many lightsaber jokes you can make, it’s still going to look really weird considering you can’t see anything but the condom.
Which, by the way, also looks really strange when you take it out of the wrapper. Try thinking about the glow in the dark stars that you made your parents get you when you were thirteen. The translucent green that they have when it’s not dark in the room. And then you turn out the lights and it’s immediately alien-green.
It’s a strange, very surreal feeling to see that floating between your legs, and even worse when you can still see it during. That’s all I’m saying.
All in all, glow in the dark condoms are great for a good joke in bed. Other than the actual sex, the best thing about this whole experience will be the cashiers’ face when they had to ring the box through.
So final take. Will glow in the dark condoms spice up your sex life? No. Will you have a great story to tell your best friend the next day? Absolutely.