The Apocalypse, something that’s been on everyone’s mind as of recently. With the breakout of the Covid-19 epidemic everyone seems to be a little more on edge. There’s an uncertainty in the air that’s circling around all of us. We feel something coming and don’t know when it’s going to start, but we know it’s coming. The end of times, Armageddon, doomsday. Whatever it is, it’s coming for us all so why not be prepared for the worst.
Let’s Get Into It
Have I been watching to many episodes of Doomsday prepares? Yes, of course, but that’s not the point. The world will eventually dissolve into chaos and the powers at be will no longer exist. The world will burn, and the survivors will be left to brave the wasteland of what is left of earth. So, with that happy thought in the back of your mind let’s talk about ways you can survive the apocalypse.
All humans need water, food, and shelter to survive. So, let’s begin by talking about water. You’re going to need a consistent water supply nearby at all times. Preferably some sort of stream or river because there’s usually less bacteria in water that’s moving compared to water that’s not moving like in a lake. Once you get that water, you’re still going to want to boil it for at least 5 minutes killing off almost all bacteria that’s still in it. From there you’re going to need some sort of storage container to hold all that water. Ideally you would like an item that could be multifaceted. An item that’s light wait, and has multiple uses. Something that could start a fire, but also could be used a storage device for your water. Luckily I’ve thought of the perfect survival item. You’re going to want condoms.
Condoms? Yes condoms. They’re are super lightweight and durable. They can hold a ton of water and if you put a sock over a condom it makes it so it can’t be cut open by any sharp objects easily. You can also use a condom to start a fire to boil your water. By using a clear condom with water in it you can reflect the suns light through the condom to start a fire. Have I watched at least three YouTube tutorials to confirm this fact? Yes, yes, I have. Did I get put on a government watchlist somewhere because of it? Probably, and I doubt it’ll be the last time either. The point is condoms are the perfect apocalypse tool to have in your survival kit. So, next time you’re at the store, pick up a pack of Trojans just in case.
The next thing you should be worried about is shelter. In this section I will discuss how you can make a shelter completely out of condoms. Kidding, but wouldn’t that be some shit. Latex walls deserve applause. But in all seriousness, just steal a house. You could choose to build a shelter, but that seems like a giant waste of time unless you’re living out in the wilderness, in which case I’d check another article. Shelter is literally all around you. I would pick a house in an isolated area where it’s easy to see someone coming from a far, and you have plenty of time to run away or hide in case of marauders.
Food may be scarce in the event of the apocalypse, and even though humans can go along time without food; I know from experience if I don’t eat at least once every eight hours I get a little cranky. It’s a good thing to have a lot of is what I’m saying. Like water, you can never have enough food stockpiled up. Eventually, all the food on earth right now is going to expire. Especially if we don’t have electricity to preserve meats and other foods that need refrigeration. And unless you plain on surviving strictly off Twinkie’s, which never expire, it’s going to be useful to know how to grow your own food.
So, what kinds of foods should you be growing in an apocalyptic type of scenario? Ideally, you’re going to want a crop that (1) is easy to grow if you don’t know a lot about growing things, (2) provides you with the nutrients you’re going to need to survive. After doing a bit of research the crop that fits these requirements the best is the potato. The humble potato is good to grow because as long as you plant them deep in the ground, about four inches deep, and let them be, they will grow naturally. The only real problem I found with growing potatoes was the amount of time they take to fully grow. They take about 70-120 days to fully grow, so maybe just start planting them now and by the time things start getting bad you’ll have a harvest. Another cool thing about potatoes is that you can continually grow them as long as you don’t harvest them all. That’s right, you can have infinite potatoes! And if you’ve seen the movie “The Martian”, starring Matt Damon, then you know you can survive off potatoes for quite a long time. Another major benefit of potatoes is there’s a lot of things you can cook with them. The possibilities are really endless with this great apocalyptic crop.
Now you have everything you need to survive. Just grab a few boxes of condoms, an isolated house, and some potatoes and you’ll be all set up for when the looters come knocking. In all seriousness though this article is meant more as a joke and not as an article to scare you about impending doom. The Covid-19 virus has everyone a bit on edge, but I’m confident that we’ll be able to push through this thing together. Just don’t go outside for a few months and stay in and read my articles.
Did I miss any survival tips? Do you have suggestions on what you’re doing to survive the apocalypse? Let me know down in the comments below, and until next time stay safe.
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Jackson Wiberg is a student, comedian, and podcast personality. He currently attends school at the University of Wisconsin Milwaukee where he is pursuing his bachelors degree in communication. He's toured his stand up routine around the midwest and when he's not working likes spending time with his family and friends. You can follow Jackson on his social media: @jackson_wiberg on all social media platforms, and you can listen to his podcast The Blockbuster Boys podcast, the number 1 rated college comedy podcast in the world, on Apple podcasts and Spotify.