Our cultural narrative on how people, especially women, have sex is still massively reductive. Sure we might have just about got past waiting till marriage, but the idea that you should wait until you’re monogamous or the idea of the ‘three date rule’. First off, think about why you’re feeling guilty. Here is how to have a casual hookup and not feel guilty about it.
When thinking of how to have a casual hookup, if your friends don’t support you it’s tricky, I’m not going to tell you to just cut off every friendship that doesn’t support you because that is much easier said than done. Explain to your friends that what you like about hooking up and talk about how if you don’t judge how they like to express their sexuality, they shouldn’t judge yours. If you can’t reach the point you want to be, at the very least negotiate some mutual respect. And find new friends. You don’t need to drop the other ones, just invest some time into people that support you that you don’t feel like you have to hide parts of your life from.
It’s not like you can just get new family, and I’m not suggesting you directly lie to them. All I’m saying is they don’t necessarily have to know. It’s okay to keep some of your life private- it’s not hurting anybody!
We can’t help it, our brains are full of a lot of societal nonsense bumping around. When you really strip it down though, you’ll often find it’s not the act itself about hooking up that makes you feel bad, it’s all the societal baggage around it. Why should we hesitate to freely express our sexuality? If you want to do it, why not? You can’t live your life restricted by what others think of you when thinking how to have a casual hookup.
It feels lazy or less than sex in a monogamous relationship.
But why not think of how to have a casual hookup? Do you want a relationship with the person you’re hooking up with? If yes, then you might need to have a grown up conversation, but if no then what’s the problem? Just because you feel like you should. Hooking up is smart, it’s a mutually beneficial time for all involved so what’s the issue? It avoids leading someone on, getting through the three dates precedent to only disappoint them when you get sex and ghost. That’s not a mutually beneficial arrangement. In hooking up two consenting adults enthusiastically know what they’re getting into.
So you’re starting to feel a bit less guilty but what about the danger?
First thing first make sure you negotiate birth control and STI protection. Take/have your own condoms and insist on no sex without them- don’t risk anything.
The other side is horror stories you hear about murderers. This likelihood is incredibly low and just like so many horror films punish promiscuity- it’s a way to scare people off and control sexuality. There’s nothing inherently more dangerous about hooking up than going to a one on one anything, whether that’s a job interview, driving lesson or coffee date- just be smart and there’s no real reason to be more afraid than anything else. But still, be smart. Let a friend know who you’re with and where you’re going and check in about whether you’ll be home, you can even send your live location on apps like Messenger now! Let your hook up mate know that’s what you’re doing.
Hook up with someone you really want to hook up with.
It sure is hard to feel guilty when you haven’t an ounce of regret. Make sure your hook up mate is super attractive (and a good and respectful person to boot!) and it’s hard to go wrong! Don’t hook up in the hope it’ll turn into a relationship, even though sometimes it can, you have to be okay with it not going anywhere near that direction. Hook up because you want to hook up. And remember not to do anything to prove something to someone else or make someone jealous- likelihood is you’ll get there in the moment and freak out.