We don’t like discussing our issues in bed, even with our partners. Any way to avoid an uncomfortable topic, right? Well, if it’s a conversation with a selfish lover you’re avoiding, you’re only hurting yourself. Sex isn’t everything, duh. But that doesn’t mean that it shouldn’t be mutually beneficial! To tackle the problem, here are five suggestions for how to handle a selfish partner in bed. It’s time to admit that your partner needs help being a more considerate lover.
1. Communicate the issue
Your partner can’t fix a problem that they don’t know about. The first step in fixing this situation is to let your SO know how you’ve been feeling. Explain to him or her how sex is less enjoyable for you when they pay more attention to their own needs than yours. Try to come at the conversation with calm and understanding. Often, it’s hard for people to talk about something they’re doing wrong if they feel attacked. Think of times when things have been particularly good or bad, and use those as concrete examples to help explain what being selfish versus not selfish looks like. If you’re in a healthy relationship, your partner is going to understand and want sex to be enjoyable for both of you.
2. Be vocal
Sex is a two-way street. If you want a real answer to how to handle a selfish partner in bed, it’s communication. Because it’s partly your job to open up and let him or her know what really gets you going, so they can cater to those needs. Speak up and don’t worry that you’re coming off as demanding. Likely, your partner will find that kind of confidence sexy, especially if they are already aware that you’re not having a good time. It’s no fun to feel unsure in the bedroom, so they will probably be grateful for a little guidance. Don’t leave them guessing.
3. Come up with joint activities
As much as you deserve to have your needs met in the bedroom, you don’t want sex to become a chore for your selfish SO. Sex is the most fun when both parties are loving it. To find a way to reach mutual pleasure, find fun and sexy activities you can both contribute to and benefit from in the bedroom. Suggest trying a new sex position you think you both could really get into, or go to the sex store together to check out some items you’re both intrigued by. This way your partner is gaining experience in how to please you, without it seeming like you’ve given them homework.
4. Show them how great it can be
Once you’ve begun to solve how to handle a selfish partner in bed and you’re starting to try out sex that’s more give and take, point it out to him or her. Things can be so much better things when you’re both having a good time. Having a mutually beneficial sex life makes both parties happier and more relaxed, and likely makes the sex much better and more frequent. Soon your SO will see how great life can be when he or she is giving as much as receiving.
5. Consider the possibility of a larger problem
It might be a bigger problem than just figuring out how to handle a selfish partner in bed. They might just be a selfish partner. Unfortunately, this is a much less easy fix. Before you decide that all of your problems are based in the bedroom, take a look at other aspects of your relationship. Are you often the one giving up your time or space to see him or her–going to their place, working within their schedule? Do you help them out at the drop of a hat, but feel resistance back when you ask for something? Do you make most of the sacrifices?
If you find concrete evidence for this being the case, you’ve got bigger fish to fry than what’s going on in the bedroom. Sit down with your partner and let them know you often find yourself being taken advantage of, and that you need back from them an equal amount to what you give. Don’t throw all you do back in their face. Rather, let them know you need to feel that they make an effort to be there for you, and their actions don’t reflect that. If your partner wants this to be a healthy relationship, then he or she will understand and will be on board for finding ways to be less selfish on a daily basis.
6. Onwards and upwards
Whether you’re dealing with a selfish lover or a selfish partner, the problem needs to be addressed. You can’t expect anything to change until you’re open with each other about the issue at hand. Often, trying to avoid talking just blows up in your face later down the road. It may be hard, but you deserve to be happy. Address things head on in a conversation with your partner and, if he or she is good for you, then you’ll be able to work together toward what should be a very enjoyable resolution.