You love everything about your partner, from the perfect wedding to romance novel worthy dates, your relationship is perfect except the one thing that is weighing it down. The in laws. We all have them and sometimes we can’t live without them, or can we? The only kind of toxic you should have in your life is the one-off of Britney Spears album circa 2009. Here is how to cut off your inlaws in 15 steps.
1. Make The List
Sit down with a cup of rose and write down the reasons you feel like it would be best for you to cut off your in laws. Removing any family from your life is a huge decision, so you want to make sure that you are making the right one.
Identifying the reasons will help you and your partner visualize the real reasons you want to move on without them. If your relationship with your inlaws is exclusively negative or it is beginning to take a toll on your marriage, then it is probably a good idea to cut the ties. If your mother in law is bullying you to the point where you lose self-esteem, then that alone is a great reason to cut off the toxic in laws.
2. Consider The Ramifications
While cutting off your toxic in laws may be the best choice for you, you will still want to consider the consequences of doing so. Ask yourself, how will this affect your marriage? How will your relationship change with your spouse? If you have kids how will this decision affect them?
A decision like this will change your life forever which is why you need to be prepared for the aftermath of your choice. Other relatives you may be close might not take your side on this matter and if you seek finical help from your inlaws they may not be as willing to help you and your family out if you need it. Look at the big picture and make sure this is the right choice for you.
3. Sleep On It
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and you should never make an important decision when you’re angry. If you still feel like you are fuming from something that your inlaws did or said then this is NOT the best time for you to make this decision. Sleep on it, think rationally and be confident in your decision. You do not want to regret something that you can not take back.
Blow off some steam while you make your decision, workout, do some yoga, or even meditate to ensure you are thinking clearly. If you are certain you want to cut them off, we support your choice, but speaking with a clear head will ensure the communication is at its best, and trust us you will want it to be.
4. Distancing Test Run
Before you jump in the deep end take a test drive to see if cutting off your toxic inlaws could work for you. By distancing I mean only attending family events like weddings, birthdays or reunions where there will be plenty of distraction and others to occupy your time.
Use your spouse as a referee between you both. Keep the communication short and sweet. Be respectful but don’t let them put you down. Stand up for yourself and your family.
5. Speak To Your Spouse
Set aside a time where you and your spouse can speak in private. Stay home and make dinner together and discuss your situation. Be honest and open with them, this is what unconditional love is all about. Express your feelings and reasons behind wanting to cut them off. After you address your concerns, your husband might be taken back and that’s ok.
He will have something to say about and it is important that you listen. Your relationship is what matters so be respectful and give your partner the same time to process this information. Avoid calling your inlaws bad people. Try shifting the focus on yourself. Say something like I know you love your parents, but I’m having a hard time dealing with the way they criticize me to my face. Follow up with asking his opinion by saying, Have you noticed this, too? What can we do about it?
6. Make A Game Plan
Hash out all the details with your spouse. Will you opt for Christmas dinners and the 4th of July BBQ or are you willing to compromise and attend big events only. Making sure that you and your partner are on the same page is a must. Having different points of view in relation to cutting out your toxic in laws can be detrimental to your relationship. Figure out which path is best for your relationship and conquer it together.
7. Set Boundaries
You have your game plan, now what? It is time to set your boundaries. Tell your spouse what boundaries you have and why. Will, you set boundaries when it comes to their advice on parenting? Is it better for them to stay in a hotel rather than your guest room? Will you allow your children to be around them if your husband is there? Setting clear boundaries is important.
Periodically you might have to adjust these boundaries and that’s ok. Fix what is working and keep what is. This is your game, you make the rules.
8. There Is No “I” In Team
You’ve been waiting for this moment forever and it is finally here. It is time to cut the strings, but don’t celebrate yet. Removing a toxic relationship from your life is great, trust me, I know but the road to the toxic detox is not easy.
When you’re dealing with toxic in laws, it’s important to be a united front with your spouse. Your spouse might decide to maintain a relationship with his family but he should still back you up.
9. Practice Makes The Inlaws Disappear
Practicing all day will keep the toxic in laws away. When you step onto the battlefield you’ll want to come prepared. Your inlaws have been practicing their passive-aggressive comments since you met. Grab your other half and rehearse responses. This way you will know what to expect when they bring up you or the rift between you and your toxic in laws.
10. Don’t Give An Ultimatum
After you cut the ties, it might upset you that your spouse has decided to continue a relationship with their parents even though it is toxic to them too. If your spouse is going to choose to pursue their relationship, stay out of it. Giving your partner an ultimatum will cause a rift in your relationship. If you force your significant other, and something terrible happens, they will resent you for keeping them from their parents.
On the flip side, If your spouse is severing ties with their parents, let them take the lead throughout the process. Let your inlaws hear it from them instead of you. Chances are they will hear the message loud & clear through them rather than you. If you speak first, they will believe that you are controlling the situation and forcing their son/daughter to cut them off which will lead to more troubles down the line.
11. Make The Cut
The bad thing about cutting off your inlaws is that you can’t do it without a little confrontation. Yes, this is stressful but it is necessary. Let your inlaws know that you are cutting contact with them. Keep the conversation short and sweet and stick to the facts. You can say: I am going to have to stop spending time around you because of the way you put me down around my family and friends.
Avoid arguing, it is not worth it. You are not there to fight you are there to cut the ties. You deserve to be happy and if cutting off their toxicity will do it, then its worth it.
12. You Don’t Owe Them An Explanation
From commenting on your weight to constantly stirring the pot, the last thing you owe your inlaws is an explanation. You do not need to defend your decision to anyone. Toxic In laws typically want control and when you take that away from them cold turkey, of course, they are going to do what they do best, start an argument.
Remember this is your life and YOU get to make the decisions about what is best for you. You deserve to spend time with those who cherish and love you. Do not waste your time having a he said/she said argument. You’re better than that. Remember it’s not you, it’s them.
13. Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Oh My!
If you want to limit contact with your toxic inlaws then it is in your best interest to remove them from all channels. Block them on Facebook and unfollow them on Instagram. Limiting the number of ways they can get ahold of you will be detrimental in getting a clean cut. If you do not want them in your life, it is best to cut all ties and stick to your word. The less they are there the better.
14. Stay In The Clear
Cutting off your inlaws is going to be a rocky road. At first, you may want to avoid events you know that they will be attending. Don’t go to weddings or to the grocery store you know that your MIN haunts down the isles. Stay in the clear until the dust settles, the last thing you want is to start a scene.
15. Don’t Feel Guilty
At the end of the day, you are doing this for you and your mental health. You do not need to accept being bullied by your toxic in laws just because you are married. Although there are plenty of us who feel this way, other members of the family or even your spouse may try and make you feel guilty about this. Don’t let them. You did what was best for you and as a result, you will be happier and more present in your relationship. Do not let toxic people ever bring you down. Period.
Fighting off toxic in laws can be hard but we hope this helped. Have you cut off your in laws? What worked best for you? Let us know in the comments below.
Featured image source: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/864268984715454605/
Oh Hey!Sierra here. I'm armed with an iced coffee on the daily and I have a passion for writing. When I am not writing (is that even possible?) I enjoy reading, painting, dancing and hiking.