If you’re one of the few who pockets their phone all night long while throwing back tequila shots count your blessings. For those of us with less willpower, shooting out drunk texts while sipping a gin and tonic typically produces regrettable results. Here are a few texts you may have sent out.
1. “Where are you” or more commonly known as “wya”.
Woof. Whether this is going to a friend or a hookup from freshman year, it’s typically not a good sign. Either you’ve lost who you went out with or are about to make some pretty deplorable decision-making. Hope they’re too drunk to respond, cause nothing says Sunday scaries like a late-night wya text.
2. “F**k you”
You know how they say drunk words are sober thoughts? Well this might ring a little too true. We all want to say we’ve never gotten into a vodka-induced rage but nobodies perfect. Block their number and move on.
3. “Wanna order pizza?”
Drunk eats are like, scientifically proven to be better. Or something. If you’re anything like me you’ll wake up next to a half eaten pizza and $30 missing from your bank account. Guess it’s probably better than waking up next to a stranger!
4. Insert your name here.
Nothing quite like a random number and a singular text only including your name. Did you harass a cute bartender for his digits? Did a guy with a patchy beard force you to text him to make sure the number wasn’t fake? A personal favorite is when I gave my number to a mom at a bar who insisted she wanted to set me up with her son. Why, just. Why.
5. “Are you still up?”
A classic for those of you who prefer to ‘schedule’ time to hang out with a hookup. Probably comes off as desperate, or just sad when it’s 4 a.m. Especially awkward when you wake up the next morning to a ‘yes’. Sorry, pal.
6. “Do you have my key?”
Or wallet. Or phone. But if that’s the case you won’t be texting anyone. Realizing you lost something the following morning produces extreme anxiety because lord knows you can’t retrace your steps. Time to call the bank and cancel that card for the 10th time this semester. Whoops.
7. “I’m with (insert name).”
Presumably followed by your bestie ranting that you’re a stupid b***h and will be hurt by him again. The four tequila shots told you he’s definitely changed! And that ridiculous haircut you used to hate is miraculously super attractive! You’ll feel like dying the next morning for a variety of reasons.
8. I love you.
A common one among us affectionate drunks. You won’t regret this if its sent (probably misspelled) to your bestie or group chat. If it’s to a hookup you might just want to get a new phone and move to Mexico. I’m blushing even considering the consequences.
9. Come over.
Why beat around the bush when you could get straight to the point. Might come off as slightly aggressive but if it means finally kissing your crush from class then who cares. As long as it wasn’t sent to your T.A or ex from freshman year you’ll probably be fine.
10. Are you okay?
For those nights when you’re not the biggest mess of the group. Last you saw your friend was sloppily making out with a guy in a Red Sox jersey in the middle of the bar, and then she disappears into thin air. Is she alive? We can only hope.