Sliding into your crush’s DMs: a practice as old as social media itself. It’s what built AOL, defined Twitter, and crashed our final wall of separation between ourselves and the internet before we were all permanently, unchangeably connected. It’s hard to say who first used the term, and because the phrase was explicitly about internet culture, it wasn’t long before it was co-opted, twisted, and put into the worldwide vernacular. Your grandma knows what it means to slide into your crush’s DMs. It’s that pervasive.
The glory of the DM is that it’s meant to be a private message. Social media means you can say anything on a public stage, but sometimes you want to say something that isn’t meant for the entire populace to hear. So what are you, the technologically savvy and undoubtedly horny user, going to make your DM stand out? If you don’t know where to start, here is a guide to the most creative ways to slide in to your crush’s DMs. Success absolutely guaranteed.
Reply to Someone’s Story
This is pretty innocuous on the Thirsty Scale, depending on what you end up saying. Just in case, keep it friendly and low-key. Compliments and flattery are cool. Dick pics are not. Generally the act of replying to someone’s story is an obvious enough indication that you are into someone, and they will probably reply with that same understanding. Or maybe they won’t reply at all, in which case take the hint (that applies to all of these: almost nobody “accidentally” doesn’t reply to a DM).
Offer to Help with a Class
This is what we like to call the ol’ smokescreen. You shouldn’t be duplicitous in your intentions, because that makes you creepy, but it’s also creepy to be way too forthcoming (that means you, the guys who say “nudes?”). Instead, extend an olive branch out to your crush by offering to help them with some of their work. You gotta get your foot in the door to eventually meet up with that cute guy, right? The quickest way to someone’s heart is through their textbook and their unending dread about failing their classes and flunking out.
Create a Private Instagram Story with Only Them
Is this going to work? Probably not. Especially if you don’t actually know them that well. If it’s someone who’s a friend, or at least a casual acquaintance, you can try and play it off. But if you are shooting your shot from beyond the pale, this has no ambiguity and no ability to back out. It’s going to be weird and uncomfortable and super obvious, which might be exactly how you get in. Fortune favors the bold, so if you’re going to go for it, go for something big and stupid. No one can possibly fault you for only going halfway.
Send Them Your Resume
Sliding into your crush’s DMs is all about showing off, right? What’s more attractive than that NPR internship you had last summer? You can use it as a not-so-subtle way to show off your deep pockets, or you can have a complete custom (and wholly unnecessary outside of this context) resume that shows off your *ahem* more provocative skills. You might not get a date, but you might get a job.
Have Your Grandparent Write the Message
Old people are adorable. They write the funniest messages. Use that geriatric charm to get some cake. This is basically the old “oh, my friend stole my phone, lol” method but way more believable. Maybe you were showing Granny how to use Twitter and she didn’t log out? Or, depending on how chill your grandparents are, have them write that thirsty message for you. It might sound crazy, but sometimes desperate times call for ridiculous measures. Nana is definitely landing you a date tonight.
Meme That Shit Up
Again, this almost assuredly isn’t going to work. But that’s only because your meme game is trash. As is mine. But if you get something incredibly funny, it’s the perfect way to slide in. It works for Tinder most of the time, so why not apply it to some of the other platforms? Being “the funny guy” is actually effective roughly ninety-nine percent of the time. Everyone wants someone who makes them laugh. Memes just feel like a DM thing, you know? Save your stand-up bits for the first date.
Just Say Hi
Hey, idiot, it’s not that hard. The easiest way to blow your shot is by overthinking it. Getting your foot in the door is surprisingly easy. A big plan, a broad gesture, or a convoluted scheme is the quickest path to end up drinking dumb bitch juice when it’s all over. Sliding into your crush’s DMs is like when people propose during sports games: you better get ready to be embarrassed if it doesn’t go well. Keep it simple by starting off at square one. Ease into the conversation. It’s kind of amazing how many people don’t do this, so I’ll slot this not necessarily as “Creative” and more like “Unexpected.”
No matter what you end up going with, make sure to always be aware of internet etiquette. If they don’t respond, they’re not interested. Plain and simple. Don’t carpet bomb them with a million messages, or even just like three or four, because then you’re the creepy and sad person who doesn’t get the hint. More importantly, if they’re brave enough to tell you they’re not interested, just accept it. There are lots of internet fish in the internet sea. No petty insults, no aggro responses, no name calling. Most of the time they’ll try to be nice about it. If they’re not, you wouldn’t want to be with someone like that anyway. Know your worth.