The New Poet In Town
I had just finished my freshman year at Salisbury State University when I met this guy Matt, who just moved here from South Carolina. I was working a double that night and he sat in a table alone in my section. It was pretty slow so we made conversation. He told me he really didn’t know anyone and asked if I would show him around town. He was really good looking and seemed nice enough so I obliged. We hit it off instantly and it didn’t take long before we were inseparable.
Matt was very vague about why he moved here, stating only that he needed a change in scenery. He lived with his brother, sister-in-law, and their three children. Considering his brother was always busy, Matt had a lot of free time. He was quite romantic and gave me flowers and wrote me poetry- the whole nine yards. It was easy to get carried away, and we certainly did.
Everything was great, well almost everything. I grew tired of paying for the dates we went on, so I told him he should apply to the restaurant where I was working. He got the job and my boss even put him on the same shift as me. It took about two weeks for me to realize what a terrible mistake I had made. At first, it seemed like Matt was joking and being flirtatious when he made comments about guys being seated in my section. The jokes soon became jabs and I started losing tips…and my boss noticed.
Matt was changed to first shift, but this only made matters worse. He started coming in during my shift and staying for hours. He would leave for a while, but always came back to have drinks at the bar. It got so bad that he started following customers out to the parking lot and asking them how they knew me. It was humiliating! He was fired and I knew I had to break up wth Matt.
Matt disappeared for a few weeks, but the back-to-back rejection must have been too much for him. I would come home from work to find him drunk on my doorstep, begging me to take him back. I would just ignore him and walk by, but that didn’t deter him. I reached out to his brother for help and Matt disappeared again. Finally!
One night, I walked to my car about to head out to my parent’s house for dinner when I spotted a note on my windshield. It read:
I watch and I wait for you to see
The broken man you’ve made of me
I watch and I wait for your call
Just to hear the sound from your rise to your fall
Creepy, right? I crumple it up and throw it in the floorboard and head out to my parents. My car starting shaking so I slowed down so I could pull off the road. Before I could stop, one of my wheels came completely off the car! I called my dad and told him what happened. The lug nuts on three of my tires had been removed! We reported Matt to the police, but there was not enough evidence to make an arrest. However, the police discovered he had several outstanding warrants. Matt is currently in jail in South Carolina awaiting trial. Who knows what kinds of things this crazy ex is capable of attempting.
One Man’s Treasure Is Another Man’s Trash
I received a Facebook notification that my girl best friend tagged me in a photo and it had a few comments, so I checked it out. Her friend Ashley, that she had never mentioned made three comments about how sexy I was. I had been super depressed and lonely, so I sent Ashley a message. We started talking back and forth for a couple weeks and then she asked if I wanted to hang out. Truth be told, I just wanted to get drunk and get laid. She told me to pick her up at a convenient store in the county over. It was only 10 minutes away, so I showered and went on my way.
Well, she must have showered too because when I saw her, she was barefoot and only wearing a long pink bathrobe. I kid you not. It was weird, but it seemed like a guaranteed night of sex. Since I couldn’t take her anywhere dressed like that, I asked her if she needed to grab anything from her house. She said, “No, we can’t go there. My crazy ex and me are in a fight and he is batshit! I had to sneak out of there”. Okay well that explains the bathrobe, but wtf have I gotten myself into?
She ended up staying the whole weekend and I was getting antsy for her to leave, but she didn’t seem to have any intentions of going anywhere. I was trying to think of a plan when my best friend called. I told Ashley I had to take the call and excused myself. When I came back, she was gone. So were my shoes and my best friend’s clothes she had left in my dryer. I called my best friend back to tell her about the whole weekend. She freaked out and said I should have talked to her first because she is a psycho. Okay, lesson learned. I thought so anyway.
A couple months later, I get a call around midnight from Ashley and she is crying. She says she is walking on the side of the road and wants to know if I can pick her up. I didn’t want to leave her stranded in the road that time of night, so I agreed. As soon as she got into my car, she started trying to hook up with me. I felt myself caving and took her back to my place. Again, I found myself in a position trying to get rid of her. I had plans with my best friend that day and she showed up about an hour early than we planned.
Ashley kept asking me to come into the kitchen with her. She just kept asking me if something was going on between me and my friend. Nothing was, so I got pretty annoyed. My BFF noticed, although not knowing why. She suggests a card game, and starts to shuffle and deal. Ashley started blowing my phone up with text messages talking about how we should all sleep together. I got noticeably uncomfortable and decided we should go somewhere far away from the privacy of my house.
We head out to a local Mexican restaurant and order drinks to start. My best friend and I walk to the back half of the place to see if the pool tables are still set up. We get back to the table, eat, and then leave. My best friend started acting weird before we get to the car. She could barely walk after one drink and I knew something was wrong. She completely fell over in the back seat and passed out. This was completely out of character for her and I was freaking out. Meanwhile, Ashley brings up having sex with her again. Before I could respond, a big black truck is right on my ass.
Ashley tells me its her crazy ex, so I hit the back roads to lose him. I made a sharp turn that knocked her purse over. A bottle of pills roll out onto the floorboard. I dropped her off at the first store I could find and have never seen her since. This crazy bitch had just drugged my best friend in hopes we would rape her. This chick was by far a crazy ex I wish I had never met. Now everyone calls her Trashley.
Andrea wasn’t so much a crazy ex as she was a crazy admirer. I knew her from my best friend and neighbor, Nelson. She had a crazy past with his brother, no fault of hers but I still didn’t want in on that mix. However, she was at every party and always making excuses to talk to me. I didn’t want to be rude, so I entertained it for a bit and then I was the one making excuses to not have to talk to her anymore.
This awkward charade went on for about a year. In that year, I noticed Andrea would have a new best friend every couple months. With each new best friend, Andrea would morph into a desperate version of whoever it was at the time. It was sad to see such a pretty girl with no originality, self-esteem, or sense of self period. In fact, it was embarrassing. Eventually it would creep out the girl she attempted to imitate and the friendship ended.
One night when I was pity-talking to Andrea, and the crowd started to disperse. I was still in party mode, so I ended up talking to her all night. I ended up sleeping with her and started regretting it before we were even finished. I attempted to just stop a couple times, but she wasn’t having it. I just wanted it over, so I closed my eyes and remembered how much she needed to be someone else. She was literally a blank canvas, waiting to be painted. So I turned her into a masterpiece. I fantasized she was friend of mine that I’ve been secretly wanting.
Thank God it was over. I didn’t want ANYONE to know what happened, so I missed a few parties and laid low. One night Nelson came by my place, begging me to go to a bonfire party on the beach with him. I had been going stir-crazy, so I went with him. Everyone from our high school crew was there and I was having a blast catching up with everyone. I was super stoked that I didn’t see Andrea anywhere in sight. I noticed something was strange though. A small group of people kept looking at me with concern or something I could only view as that.
A girl I didn’t know came over and said, “You’re Blaine, right?” I nodded. She told me that Andrea had blasted me on Facebook to the county’s group page. She called me a drug-addicted pedophile that was into practicing bestiality. My jaw dropped and I started to walk away, but the girl grabbed me by the arm and reassured me no one would ever believe Copycat Andrea. It turns out an episode of a popular show aired with that exact theme. I let it go because being empty and unoriginal is worse than hearing outlandish stories about yourself. I’ll gladly take the latter in a town that knows Andrea. She may not be my crazy ex, but she damn sure is crazy. Perhaps, a crazy ex-one night stand is more accurate.
I became friends with one of my customers at work about three years ago. We already had mutual friends, being this is a small town. He lived and worked within walking distance of my job, so it was pretty convenient. He would bring me snacks and coffee when I needed it. He started paying me to clean his house weekly, and boy did it need it! There were Nazi flags everywhere, which I made him take down to even access the cost to clean. There were handguns scattered everywhere, and bullet holes in the floors, walls, and ceilings to match. Alongside a bunch of ammunition, lay grenades and gas masks. He has an entire room dedicated to shooting books indoors. He had the Anarchist Cookbook on the kitchen table, one of the few books he spared.
The place literally looked like a squat spot, which was baffling because he and his family are quite wealthy. So I made his house at least look like a home. I was able to overlook these red flags because I later discovered it was all to get attention. He was socially awkward and the few people that would stop by only stayed for a few minutes before they left. Considering the proximity to my job, we spent a good deal of time together. I always made it clear there was nothing between us other than friendship. However in his eyes, we were a couple.
I started seeing some pretty strange behavior out of him. I learned that he had an all-consuming addiction to Xanax, which he had a prescription. In fact, his mom, dad, and younger brother were also prescribed it. Hogan’s addiction was so severe that he took to buying it off the street and stealing from his little brother. Once, he even put his younger brother in the hospital because he split his head open during an argument over Xanax. He was quite volatile.
This is when I stopped hanging out with him altogether, but there was one thing I could not avoid. He was still my customer and I had a government job, so I could not refuse him service. I was the only person in my office, so I was basically stuck. He made numerous scenes in front of other customers on a near daily basis, one of which landed me a ten-day suspension. People started coming forward and telling me that Hogan was paying them to drive my house or to come in my office. Other people who were friends of his family started coming in warning me how unstable he was. We call these fine people “Hogan’s Heroes”.
It was getting scary. He would leave notes in my mailbox (a federal offense) and randomly show up at my friend’s house unannounced and uninvited. He was enraged that I did not want anything to do with someone who uses drugs and hurts their family the way he does. On top of that, he has a solid reputation for brandishing his gun on people in public places. Considering his family’s wealth, the police simply take away his gun and hands it over to his little brother with no charges.
Hogan simply could not let it go. He started harassing my best friend (who is male) and spreading unflattering rumors about his sex life. At first my friend engaged in the text wars, but then tried to squash it and bury the hatchet. We all thought we were free of Hogan, but we did not know how wrong we were. One night, Hogan barged into an older friend’s of mine house at 8:00 pm and attacked my best friend with a metal baton and attempted to reach for his gun on two occasions. The case is still pending.
One would think a court case would be enough for Hogan to let his obsession with me, “his blonde Barbie doll”, go. But oh no, it wasn’t. I still receive messages from him asking me to meet him somewhere. I never have and never will. Hogan is a loose cannon and honestly needs to be institutionalized. With no help from local police, someone someday is going to get seriously hurt because no one can control Hogan Spriggs. I’m scared every time I have to go into town. This guy is one crazy ex that I din’t even have to date!
The Wedding Crasher
I dated Kim all through high school and college. Everyone thought we were going to get married and so did we, to be honest. I even bought her a ring, but I wanted it to be a special moment when I finally popped the question. Another year went by and I still hadn’t given it to her. Something just didn’t feel right. I don’t know exactly, but the timing seemed wrong.
That spring, I went home for a week to spend time with my family. Normally, Kim would come with me whenever I would make these trips but she had a scheduling conflict with her job. So I headed to the airport alone. My flight was delayed for an hour, then two, then undermined. I waited in the airport for 4 and a half hours when they finally canceled my flight due to technical or mechanical issues. It was re-scheduled the next night so I went on home.
I get home and see a car I didn’t recognize. I walk in the door to find some strange guy wearing nothing but my robe. It was even monogramed with my initials! I sent both the nude dude and Sara on their way. I canceled my trip home altogether. I was too heartbroken to be around anyone. I ended up selling the ring I had bought Sara on eBay.
Fast forward four years and I am happily dating the most amazing woman ever. I bought a new ring and proposed to her. The following year, we were putting the final touches on our wedding. We had our reception at the same location we got married and had an open bar. My new wife went to grab us new drinks while I mingled with guests. She was taking a long time, so I glanced over to the bar and saw Kim crying while she was talking to her. My crazy ex actually crashed my wedding!
Kim was completely wasted and making a fool of herself. The other guests started to notice. I had to get her out of there, but how? Thankfully, my sister volunteered for the job. I still have no clue how she got there or how she even knew about it. I had not spoken to her since the night I kicked her and her other boyfriend out of my house. We refused to let it ruin our night, but talk about a cringe situation!
Do you have a crazy ex story to share? Tell us about it in the comments!
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essica Hope Murphy is a student at Ashford University studying English and Journalism & Mass Communications. If she isn't writing, she is fishing, cooking, or entertaining friends. In addition to Society19, her work can be found on Points In Case, Cracked Mirrors Online, LinkedIn, Murphy Review, and in The National Library of Poetry.