Comfort foods are involved in a life worth living. You might be having a bad day one day; comfort foods can get rid of those nasty “emotions” and replace them with a sugary sense of security. They can also make a good day even better. Not all comfort foods are bad for you, though. Good ones do exist. But, they aren’t the most comforting, because you can take anything up a notch with fried confections. In fact, wrap everything in bacon and call it a day.
Chicken soup is supposed to have healing properties. Chicken soup has good things in it, but that’s not the only good part. In canned form, it’s got enough salt to satisfy a horse.
The most comforting part of chicken noodle soup is when someone else makes it for you. You normally have a cold and have wasted most of your energy caressing your nose with sandpaper.
It exists in one form or another in many countries.
Chicken and Biscuits
Chicken and biscuits are one of the most comforting foods added to an already comforting dish: gravy. They seem like the sort of meal that you would have after you got into a fight with a honey badger. You’re a mountain man in the woods, just living off of the land.
Yeah, you’ve got a few chickens. It’s you or them. So you make some chicken and biscuits and eat. The comforting part of it is knowing that there are no politicians within 100 miles.
Hot wings are comforting in the way that feeling sore after working out is comforting. They burn so good that you forget you have anything but a mouth. Your tongue asks you to leave.
Chicken wings are most definitely hit or miss. It’s like blindly picking a wine. You have absolutely no idea what you’re getting at first, and the internet doesn’t help when you sincerely ask it something. So you go to a pizza place ask them for wings, looking skeptically at the person when they say yes. You try them. You gambled and lost. You curse the god of chicken wings.
Ice Cream & Italian Ice
I Have No Mouth, and I Must Scream. The horror of a post-apocalyptic, vindictive HAL 9000 that tortures the last surviving humans—would be that much worse if there was ice cream there, sitting just out of reach. A perspiring cup of frozen goods. For me, it would be Italian ice.
Italian ice is probably less likely to cause you to choke to death, and the comfort is knowing that surpasses the ice itself.
Ice cream normally has milk in it. So, if you can’t drink milk, that doesn’t necessarily mean that ice cream can’t initially be comforting—it’s just that it will be terribly discomforting later on.
You always see in the movies some person sitting down, crying, eating ice cream. They’ve had a very emotional time with some difficult situation that they’re going through. Ice cream helps.
Pie can come prepackaged or homemade. The prepackaged ones have enough sugar to give you a buzz. Little pies are one of the best parts of a gas station. You go in and get your hot fries, skittles, and a tiny pie.
Apple pie is an American icon. It is as American as going into debt from price-gouged medical bills.
There are so many pies that it’s hard to keep up. You’ve got apple, cherry, chocolate, lime, mincemeat, pumpkin, and the list is potentially indefinite.
Everybody has a favorite pizza shop. There are two types of people—those who like pizza and those who are allergic to pizza. Pizza comes in a variety of toppings that it’s exceedingly rare to find a unicorn: someone who denies the sanctity of pizza.
If you’re the type of person who loves to have options, pizzas are right up your alley.
Whether it’s sweet potato fries or real fries—you will be comforted by the fact that you can continue eating them, past the point of feeling full. French fries are sometimes used as pick-me-ups for people who’ve heard really bad news.
It’s the type of food that—if you were asked to bring food to an event—and you brought french fries, people would consider you a hero.
Like most other things on this list, you’re hardpressed to find someone who would vomit at the sight of a donut. Donuts are as comforting as someone gently telling you that they love you.
Powdered. Glazed. Cruller. Éclair. Fritter. Filled. Holes. The donut holes are just amazing. They exist for the person who goes—I would like to not feel like a fat piece of crap, but I would also like to do something very unhealthy. They can rest easy knowing that they might’ve consumed more donuts during the hole-eating process than had they just gotten one donut.
Cookies are generally one of the most comforting things that you can put in your mouth. Everyone wants a piece of the pie. The Girl Scouts and Nestle get into fistfights over this kind of stuff, so it’s no joke.
Cookies are a double-edged sword: if you get a bad cookie, your extremely high expectation of what a cookie should be will make it that much worse. It’s akin to getting punched in the face by a flaming car tire.
Bacon is amazing. It’s so addictive that Democrats want to regulate it and Republicans want to ban it. If bacon were a person, it would be a superstar celebrity who eventually gets murdered and part of their body gets filleted and thrown in a frying pan.
Bacon doesn’t have healing properties—quite the opposite. Bacon will raise your cholesterol like no other if you let it. Bacon vies to control you by taking over your heart. It wants to influence your decision-making capabilities until you only vote for candidates who support more pig copulation. Pig coitus and abattoirs make your black-hole heart happy.