Breweries are where the hubs of American life come from. Beer is the lifeblood of this nation. A brewery is like a national monument to flavor and fuel. Some beers are said to be akin to motor oil, coffee grounds, bread, and cream. From urine filtered through a sock to black-sludge beer and everything in between, there is a beer out there for everyone. Beer is the pizza of drinks. Even if you’re gluten-free, there are beers designed with you in mind. Check out some of their homes.
Yuengling: America’s Oldest Brewery
Yuengling is America’s oldest brewery: does that make it the most American? Is that how it works? Or is the most American brewery a bootleg, moonshine distillery?
This brewery is located in Pottsville, PA—near the City of Brotherly Love. Yuengling’s lager has a nice zing to it. It’s not too heavy and leaves one’s thirst quenched and stomach full.
This drink goes awesomely with pretzel sticks and cheese. It goes well with pizza and hamburgers. Anything that is ladened in a massive amount of grease, this will wash it down.
This brewery offers free scheduled tours but they stress that you must wear closed-toed shoes. The kicker here is this: “We recommend wearing sneakers but we do have sneakers available for purchase at a nominal fee.” They are a brewery that sells sneakers. They are the oldest sneaker-brewery store. For a nominal fee, you can drink Yuengling from a shoe.
Oskar Blues Brewery
Originally located in Colorado, this brewery is your 100%-guaranteed chance to try Ten FIDY, a limited release imperial stout with 10.5% ABV. I can’t get this drink out of my head. Like striking liquid gold, I’ve had the FIDY fever for some time now.
It’s literally the best beer I’ve ever had. One can of the stuff and I’ve been on a slow pursuit for it ever since. Barrel-Aged Ten FIDY is something else you should try while you’re out there.
Ten FIDY, to me, is like when you forget the face of a relative who’s died. You forget their voice. But, you remember how they made you feel. They made you smile and laugh. That’s Ten FIDY. If there’s any reason to implore people to go get some Ten FIDY, it’s that I can live vicariously through your decision.
Founders Brewing Co.
Located in Grand Rapids, MI—this company makes one of the best imperial coffee stouts known to man. Founders Breakfast Stout has 8.3% ABV with that full-fledged coffee flavor.
Their website states that “we will be offering several in-depth classes to teach you about our brewery and this amazing growing industry.” Learn how to be a part of Big Beer!
Their stouts are not something you want to drink on a full stomach. Imagine taking a loaf of bread and condensing it into a singularity. Keep doing that until it turns into a thick sludge. Make that sludge taste delicious. Blackhole beer: Schwarzschild radius edition.
Sam Adams Boston Brewery
Located in Boston, this brewery is famous for its Boston Lager. The hops enthusiasts will jump at the chance to go to this brewery. Sam Adams Boston Lager is 5% ABV, but its hops are almost on an IPA level. To anyone who’s never tried Sam Adams Boston Lager, it tastes like bottled, Scottish humor.
Something less famous but more exciting is their Sam Adams Utopia limited release beer: 28% ABV. It boasts “A Deep Rich Malty Smoothness Reminiscent of a Vintage Port, Cognac, or Fine Sherry.” They use a thing called “ninja yeast,” to brew it. Ninja yeast. It will set you back a couple hundred dollars.
If you’re a yuppie with lots of money, by all means, purchase this Athenian hop-potion bottle of magic that probably has a genie living inside of it.
During the tour, you get “a complimentary tasting glass to keep and you’ll sample three Samuel Adams beers.”
Magic Hat Brewing Company
South Burlington, VT: Magic Hat is a magical brewery that makes the splendiferous amalgam known as Magic Hat #9: Not Quite Pale Ale.
The Magic Hat establishment seems to have a pretty cool tour. Here’s their promo:
Your tour starts in The Artifactory, the nerve center of the Magic Hat universe. From here, you’ll be guided up the tour ramp, passing many strange artifacts from Magic Hat’s past, while learning of the history of one of Vermont’s original craft brewers. You’ll then head to the movie room, where you’ll be schooled on the brewing process in all its strange and beautiful glory. Next, it’s on to the mezzanine where, schedule-pending, you’ll see our brewery in action, before sampling beers that are only available on our tour ramp. (Magic Hat)
This brewery is located in Halethorpe, MD. Of the breweries on this list, Guinness is not the most bread-like. That probably goes to either Founders Breakfast Stout or Ten FIDY. Guinness books tours where they pair your beer with food. The brewing & taproom and restaurant hours are pretty similar. The restaurant is open only from Thursday through Sunday.
‘CÉAD MÍLE FÁILTE.’
It’s an ancient Irish saying that translates as ‘you are welcome, a thousand times, wherever you come from, whosoever you be.’ (Guinness)
Dogfish Head Craft Brewery
They have departments: Brewery & Distillery, Brewings & Eats, Chesapeake & Maine, and the Dogfish Inn. The last one: a cottage. A cottage. Cottage. Cot. C. See?
Dogfish Head: 60 Minutes IPA, 75 Minute, 90 Min., and finally…120. The number of hops in these beers will indiscriminately put hair on whoever’s chest it comes into contact with. If you take a bath in 120, you’ll walk out a hipster lumberjack.
There are many things you should do in your life, and going to at least one brewery is one of them. The other ones would include following your dreams, taking out insurance plans on old relatives, and diving face-first into a pool filled with Michelob Ultra (for visibility).