{"id":118171,"date":"2026-04-11T14:25:04","date_gmt":"2026-04-11T18:25:04","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.society19.com\/ca\/?p=118171"},"modified":"2026-04-11T14:25:04","modified_gmt":"2026-04-11T18:25:04","slug":"i-fought-a-raccoon-for-a-bag-of-doritos-heres-what-happened","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.society19.com\/ca\/i-fought-a-raccoon-for-a-bag-of-doritos-heres-what-happened\/","title":{"rendered":"I Fought A Raccoon For A Bag Of Doritos, Here’s What Happened"},"content":{"rendered":"

Yup. I fought a raccoon for a bag of Doritos. Truth be told, I would probably fight you<\/em><\/strong> too. Don’t mess with my Doritos. It’s that simple. Here’s what happened:<\/p>\n

It all started when…<\/h2>\n

I was walking home from a party. Yes, I was a little bit intoxicated, but before you judge me I’ll have you know it was an open bar party. It would be a crime not to drink at least a little bit, okay? Okay.<\/p>\n

I don’t remember much from that night. But I do remember feeling hungry. I didn’t want to get home and heat up food or anything, which is why my eyes sparkled when I saw that convenience store by the gas station.<\/p>\n

\n<\/h6>\n

I bought a nice bag of Doritos. The champagne of snacks. So underrated. So delicious.<\/p>\n

After I left the gas station, I knew I was only about 10 minutes away from home. But the streets were kind of dark in that area, and I decided to call my\u00a0friend Jordan via Snapchat. Just in case, you know.<\/p>\n

With the left hand, I held my phone up so Jordan could see me through the camera. With the right hand, I was holding the bag of Doritos. As hungry as I was, I wasn’t planning on opening the bag until I got home.<\/p>\n

Suddenly…<\/h2>\n

I was about 5 minutes away from home at this point. I was very focused on the camera when a raccoon sneaked up behind me. The little sh*t grabbed my Doritos bag before I even had time to react.<\/p>\n

Yes, a normal person would let the bag go. But I was intoxicated.\u00a0And I am also not a normal person. So\u00a0I fought back<\/strong>.<\/p>\n

\n<\/h6>\n

I fought bravely (or at least I would like to think so). Eventually, my drunk self slipped and fell down. The raccoon took the opportunity to scratch my face, grab the bag and run away.<\/p>\n

And that’s about it.<\/p>\n

I fought a raccoon. And I lost.<\/p>\n

The next day…<\/h2>\n

I was under the impression that it was humiliating enough to live knowing a tiny raccoon defeated me in battle… but then I went to class. Turns out I never hung up the call with Jordan. So she witnessed the whole thing.\u00a0And she quotes the fight to this day.<\/p>\n

You think you know embarrassment. You don’t. Not until your friends are openly asking you about your rabies vaccination. And then you have to explain to them that a raccoon scratch was no reason for you to get vaccinated because you had already been vaccinated for rabies when a stray dog attacked you in Brazil.<\/p>\n

It’s sad to see your friends slowly losing respect for you as they learn these details.<\/p>\n

\n<\/h6>\n

The everrunning feud with raccoons…<\/h2>\n

What I didn’t know back then is that fighting over Doritos was just the beginning of this war. After the Doritos incident, I’ve had 3 more incidents with raccoons. Yes, three.<\/p>\n

First, a raccoon stole my donut<\/strong>. I was sitting on a bench having breakfast before work, and my phone rang. Since my hands were all messy, I had to put the donut down, in order to clean up my hands quick and take the call. It was literally a FIVE MINUTE call. FIVE MINUTES. OKAY. CINCO MINUTOS. I turned around, and all I could see was the raccoon turning around the corner with my donut! It was INFURIATING.<\/p>\n

Then, a bunch of raccoons raided my camp<\/strong>. I went camping with my friends. It started raining. Everyone ran to their tents. I forgot my glasses outside in the tabletop. Later that night, I woke up with a bunch of screeching sounds. I opened my tent, only to see a bunch of raccoons eating our food, and just pretty much partying on our camp ground. I yelled. Everyone woke up. We all got off our tents to shoo the raccoons away. But one of them stole MY GLASSES.<\/p>\n

I get why raccoons would steal my Doritos. Or my donuts. It’s food. They’re hungry. It makes sense.<\/p>\n

But why on Earth a raccoon would steal a pair of glasses is honestly BEYOND ME. Which is why I am now inclined to believe it’s personal.<\/p>\n

With that in mind, two weeks ago, I actually rescued an injured raccoon. So hopefully karma is on my side and those little devils will stop stealing my sh*t.<\/p>\n

Have you had any issues with raccoons? Let me know in the comments!<\/h3>\n
Featured Image:\u00a0https:\/\/www.pinterest.ca\/pin\/526639750167227307\/<\/h6>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Yup. I fought a raccoon for a bag of Doritos. Truth be told, I would probably fight you too. Don’t mess with my Doritos. It’s that simple. Here’s what happened: It all started when… I was walking home from a party. Yes, I was a little bit intoxicated, but before you judge me I’ll have…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":24987,"featured_media":118172,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":true,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[11197,11198],"thb-sponsors":[],"class_list":["post-118171","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-entertainment","tag-doritos","tag-raccoon"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nI Fought A Raccoon For A Bag Of Doritos, Here's What Happened - Society19 Canada<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Yup. I fought a raccoon for a bag of Doritos. Truth be told, I would probably fight you too. 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